The Most Exquisite Form Of Self-destruction.

The Most Exquisite Form Of Self-destruction.

Ace – Point of View

I looked at the man I was about to marry.

I was drowning in sensory details. My heart was a talking drum. The blood roared in my ears like a dam. My head pounded like a pestle to a mortal. I was a mess. I was melting away. My heart found it hard to carry everything. I was spilling from the edge, bleeding onto the ground. The love was pouring out from every part of me, swallowing me whole, ruining me certainly.

“One of the first things I noticed about Spades was his hands.” I began, my eyes on him, unflinching. Everyone else had faded into the background. It was always him.

“I know it seems stupid, but his hands have always been rough, evidence of hard work. I met him when I was a child, and he has always been a very hard worker. Spades’ hands were a glimpse into our future. Then, I didn’t know we could have a future. It was wishful thinking. His hands told me he would take care of me, which was odd because I have always taken care of myself, well, in some ways.” I shrugged, blooming when he smiled.

“Another thing I noticed about Spades was how masculine he was. He was different. He had grown. He was hard on himself because he had set himself on a pedestal, one he believed he didn’t deserve, so he was constantly working to be worthy of the air he breathed. Within a specific time frame, he has grown into the perfect man. I once came across something along the lines of ‘couples aesthetics’ which didn’t really make sense to me then, but now, I think I understand. Spades and I fit in every way. I genuinely believe he was made from me, because I find pieces of myself in him, perfectly so.” I rasped, my chest expanding with so much love.

“We have had our ups and downs. Every separation has only pushed me into being the type of man he could love. I wanted to be worthy of him. So I worked out. I worked out every day. I put my gym to use. I started eating healthy. I stopped smoking like a broken-down car. I stopped being so angry. I just stopped. Love changes you. It makes you desperate. It makes you a mess. It makes you weak. It makes you more human. It makes you do everything to be worthy.” The words spilt from my mouth, a heartfelt confession.

“I love you, Spades. You know I love you. I am glad to be marrying you. I am going to spend the rest of my life proving that we were made for each other. With this ring, I give my life to you. Take it. It has always been yours.” With trembling hands, I slipped the beautiful ring around his finger.

“Okay,” He smiled, blinking away tears.

“So, I love you, Ace, but that seems shitty compared to what you just said.” He admitted, and our friends laughed.

“So, here’s the thing, Ace,” He began, and I nodded slowly, eyes on him.

“I have always been laid before you, a stupid lamb in a slaughterhouse. I was obsessed with you. I wasn’t having a good day until you looked at me. I have always had a particular tenderness for you; it was unhealthy, it was sick, it was wrong, but I didn’t care. I knew that there was an eight per cent possibility that we would crash and burn, but I was ready to burn with you. I knew you would ruin me, and I was ready. I wanted to be with you, in whatever form. My love for you was an infestation. It was disgusting. It was desperate. It was lonely. It was absolute.” He whispered, taking my hand in his.

“That was the thing, I was ready to die with you. You were always going to be my endgame. I know it is not healthy, but I didn’t care. I just wanted you. I built us castles in my mind. I pictured the family we would have. I loved you from the moment I saw you, Ace. Loving you was the most exquisite form of self-destruction. You ruined me, and I am glad I ruined you, too. We broke down the people we used to be and slowly became the best version of us, the people we were meant to be.” He smiled at me, and I nodded, a knot in my throat.

“I am excited for the rest of our lives together because you have shown me that Love can be maddening, yet beautiful. You have shown me the slow and sweet moments of love, and of course, the high too. Do you understand me, Karlin? I love you. I will always love you. I begin and end with you. With this ring, know that I promise to spend the rest of my life with you. I will always love you, even on rainy days, even on days it feels so hard. I begin and end with you.” He avowed, and my eyes burned with happy tears.

I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him deeply.

Then, we danced. We danced with everyone. I danced with my Mom, with Tatiana, Valentina, Cateleya, Marie, Viola, Dani, and everyone! We had fun. The wedding was filled with our closest friends and our families. The Captains were also present. Constantin and Natalia were all loved up in a corner. Ashley was also in a corner, but alone. She still didn’t feel comfortable amongst us because of the huge part she played in my father’s death. In a way, I was glad she was being haunted, but I had forgiven her, and so had my mother.

Spades and I also danced. We fed each other, fed from each other, then we went to our home and we made love in a lot of ways. We weren’t holding back. We are married now. The rest of our lives had begun.