Chapter 90 Remembering
Cassie
Making love with Grey felt like remembering a language I'd forgotten I spoke. Every touch was familiar yet new, colored by months of separation and the knowledge that we'd both changed in fundamental ways. He worshipped my body with a reverence that was completely different from the desperate passion of our early relationship, his hands and mouth reacquainting themselves with every curve and hollow with something approaching awe.
"I've missed you so much," he whispered against my throat, his voice rough with emotion. "Every night, every morning, every moment in between."
I couldn't speak, couldn't find words for the tangle of emotions coursing through me. Relief and desire and fear and hope all twisted together until I couldn't separate one from the other. Instead, I answered him with my body, my hands mapping the familiar territory of his shoulders, his chest, the sharp line of his hip.
He'd lost weight during our separation. I could feel it in the way his ribs stood out under my palms, in the new hollows beneath his collarbones. There was something else different about him too, something in the way he touched me that spoke to deeper changes than physical ones.
"You're different," I said, my fingers tracing the line of his jaw.
"How?"
"Gentler. More... present. Like you're actually here with me instead of somewhere else in your head."
He paused in his exploration of my collarbone, lifting his head to meet my eyes. "I am here. Completely here. Dr. Mitchell taught me about mindfulness, about staying in the moment instead of spiraling into worst-case scenarios."
"Show me," I whispered, echoing the words I'd used earlier.
What followed was a slow, thorough demonstration of just how present he could be. Grey took his time with me, building the tension with patience I'd never experienced from him before. His mouth worked magic between my thighs, his tongue finding that perfect rhythm that made me arch off the bed, my hands fisted in his hair.
"I missed the way you taste," he murmured against my heated flesh, the vibration of his words making me cry out.
When he finally moved up my body and joined us together, it was with a gentleness that brought tears to my eyes. This wasn't the desperate claiming I remembered from our fights and reconciliations during our marriage. This was something deeper, more sacred, like he was trying to memorize every second, every sensation, every breath.
"I love you," he said as he moved inside me, his forehead pressed to mine. "I love you and I'm so sorry for making you doubt that, even for a second."
The apology, delivered in the midst of our joining, nearly undid me completely. I felt tears spill down my cheeks as I wrapped my legs around him, pulling him deeper.
"I love you too," I managed, the words torn from somewhere deep in my chest. "Even when I hated you, I never stopped loving you."
We moved together with a rhythm that felt like coming home, like finding something precious I'd thought was lost forever. When I climaxed, it was with an intensity that surprised us both, my body convulsing around him as waves of pleasure crashed over me. He followed seconds later, my name falling from his lips.
Afterward, we lay tangled in my sheets, both of us breathing hard, our skin slick with sweat. Grey's arm was tight around me, like he was afraid I might disappear if he let go.
"That was..." I started, then trailed off, unable to find adequate words.
"Different," he finished for me. "Better. More..."
"Real."
"Yes. Real."
We lay in comfortable silence for a while, our breathing gradually returning to normal. Outside my windows, Johannesburg was settling into evening, the city lights beginning to twinkle in the growing darkness.
"Grey," I said finally, my voice small in the quiet room.
"Mmm?"
"I need to tell you something. Something that happened while you were gone."
I felt his body tense against mine, and I could practically hear his mind racing through possibilities. The old Grey would have immediately assumed the worst, would have started interrogating me before I could even get the words out. But this Grey just waited, giving me space to find my way to whatever I needed to say.
"Dante came to see me," I said, the words feeling heavy in my mouth. " after you left."
His arm tightened around me almost imperceptibly, but his voice was calm when he spoke. "Okay."
"He brought food, said Ella had sent him to check on me, but that wasn't really why he was there." I took a deep breath, forcing myself to continue. "He still has feelings for me. He told me he never stopped loving me, that knowing I chose to marry you had been torture."
Grey was completely still now, barely breathing.
"He tried to kiss me," I continued, the confession tumbling out in a rush. "Almost did kiss me. I was lonely and hurt and for a second, just a second, I wanted to let him. I wanted to feel wanted by someone who wasn't going to disappear."
" you didn't." It wasn't a question.
"No. I pulled away. I told him to leave and never come back." I tilted my head to look at him, needing to see his face. "But I thought about it. I considered it. And I need you to know that, I need you to understand how close I came to betraying what we had."