Chapter 141 I'm a monster

Chapter 141 I'm a monster
Jayden's POV

The words felt heavy as they left my lips. They became even heavier when I noticed the way Elara's eyes widened.

She had promised not to react like that.

I should have known that keeping a promise like that would be impossible.

No matter how much I wanted to pretend that what happened to Jane wasn't as bad as it sounded, there was no way to tell someone that you were responsible for the death of the woman you once loved and expect them to look at you the same way afterward.

The shock and disbelief in Elara's eyes made my stomach sink.

I shouldn't be telling her this.

She already thought of me as a monster. This would only make it worse.

For years, I had convinced myself that I could live with what happened. I had built my entire life around that guilt. Every year, on the same day, I drank until I couldn't remember my own name. I let the memories consume me because I believed that was the only punishment I deserved.

But telling Elara was different.

Because for the first time, I actually cared about what someone thought of me.

And that someone was looking at me like she didn't know who I was anymore.

Shaking my head, I tried to dismiss the topic. "Just forget about..." I began, withdrawing my hands from hers.

I shouldn't have started this.

I shouldn't have said anything about Jane.

I should have kept my mouth shut and allowed Elara to continue believing whatever version of me she had created in her head. At least that version might have been easier for her to accept.

But Elara grabbed my hands back, staring into my eyes.

"Continue." She said slowly, her voice trembling slightly. "I said I'd listen, and I would. Tell me."

I looked at her for a few seconds.

There was no disgust in her eyes.

Not yet.

That almost made it harder.

But at the same time, something in me wanted to trust her. So, against my better judgment, I continued.

"Jane and I normally argued. We got into a fight anytime I saw her with Marcus. She usually said that nothing was going on between them, but... I never believed her." My jaw tightened.

Even now, admitting that part of the story made something bitter settle in my chest.

Jealousy, insecurity, possessiveness.

Whatever I called it back then didn't change what it had done to us.

"She and Marcus had something... They were together before she left him for me, and a part of me was worried that she'd leave me and return to him."

Elara already knew this part. Her expression barely changed.

But then, I looked away from Elara.

It was humiliating to admit that I had been afraid of losing Jane to another man. I had everything back then. Money, influence, power. There wasn't much I couldn't get if I wanted it.

But none of those things could guarantee that someone would stay.

And I had been terrified that Jane would realize Marcus was the person she wanted after all.

"On the day of her accident, we had another fight. Jane got really annoyed over something I said. She took her car and stormed off."

My fingers curled around Elara's.

I could still remember that day. The way her voice sounded, the pain in it, the anger... Everything hit me at once.

At the time, I had been too angry to care about anything else.

"I was angry too, but I followed her in my car."

The memory became clearer the more I spoke.

I hated that.

There were some things a person could bury beneath years of silence, but they never really disappeared. They waited.

"She must have realized that I was behind her because she... sped up. I tried to catch up to her, but then the next thing that happened was a blur." My throat tightened.

I swallowed and forced myself to continue. "One moment I was driving fast, the next she was shoved off the road by a truck. The collision happened so fast, I... I was in shock."

I could still see it.

The way her car and the truck collided and the sound that followed haunted me every night.

Everything had happened in seconds, yet somehow, that moment had lasted forever in my head.

My voice became quieter. "I just sat there in my car as I watched people gather around, yelling for someone to call the ambulance."

My chest tightened. My fingers went cold.

I had replayed that moment countless times, but I had never said it aloud.

Not to anyone in my family.

Not even to myself.

My voice broke, and I looked away, shaking my head. "I didn't... I didn't..."

The words refused to come out. My throat closed around them, and for a moment, I couldn't breathe properly.

Then I looked down at our hands.

Elara's fingers were still wrapped around mine.

A warm touch landed on my arm, and I looked up to see her staring at me, her face strangely comforting, just like her touch.

She wasn't saying anything.

She didn't need to.

The look in her eyes urged me to continue.

I blinked before looking back down.

I had never told anyone about this moment of my life.

It was the one I was least proud of.

There were plenty of things I had done that I wasn't proud of. Things that would make most people question whether I deserved to be called a human being at all.

But this was the worst.

I stayed silent for almost a minute, trying to regain my composure. Elara didn't say anything. She just kept staring at me, her hand still on mine.

I appreciated the silence. I didn't want pity.

I didn't want her telling me that everything was going to be fine when it wasn't.

There was nothing fine about it.

When I felt ready, I continued.

"I didn't call for an ambulance. Instead, I turned on the ignition and drove away." I raised my head to look at Elara, who couldn't hide the shocked look in her eyes.

There it was.

The reaction I had been expecting.

For a second, I almost looked away.

Instead, I forced myself to hold her gaze.

"What?" I heard Elara ask. "Why?"

Her question was filled with disbelief.

I couldn't blame her.

Why?

Because I had asked myself that question every day since.

"I..." I swallowed, trying to form the words. "From where I was, I could see Jane. She wasn't moving. She wasn't... She wasn't breathing."

My voice dropped.

That was the image I remembered most.

Jane was seated in the crushed car, blood dripping from every part of her body. Her eyes were closed, and there was no sign of life.

My eyes became blurry. I closed them before I could shed a tear.

"I wasn't thinking. Maybe if I had called an ambulance, or done something, maybe she would have survived, but I wasn't thinking. I just..."

The words became tangled.

The tear still found a way out of my eyes. I felt it trickle down my cheek.

I had spent years trying to find an explanation for what I had done.

Whether it was out of fear, anger, or guilt... None of them were enough.

The truth was that I had been a coward.

I had seen Jane lying there, and instead of getting out of my car, I had driven away.

Maybe I had been afraid of facing what I had done.

Maybe I had been afraid that people would know I had followed her after our argument.

Maybe, somewhere inside my head, I had convinced myself that there was nothing I could do.

Maybe...

"Jayden." Elara's warm hands found my face, cupping it and forcing me to look at her.

"It's alright."

It was only after she spoke that I realized I had really been crying.

My eyes lifted to hers.

No.

It wasn't okay.

My eyes stung as I opened them, and the tears fell freely.

"No, it's not." I shook my head. "I am a monster. I am..."

The rest of the sentence never left my mouth.

Elara moved before I could finish.

Her lips pressed against mine.

My entire body froze.

For a few seconds, I couldn't understand what had happened.

I stared at her when she pulled away, my mind refusing to catch up with the sudden warmth still lingering against my lips.

She had kissed me.

After everything I had just told her.

After hearing the worst thing I had ever done, she had kissed me.

My chest tightened, but this time, it wasn't from guilt.

I searched her face for disgust.

There was none.

Only those eyes that had been staring at me since the moment I began telling her the truth.

Elara's lips lifted slightly as she stared at me.

"Would I kiss a monster?"