Chapter 61 Chapter Twenty-Nine Part Two - Azadou
“Azadou, could we talk for a moment?” Jartre carefully asks.
I want to snarl and tell him to go fuck himself, but since he just saved Orenda and my unborn child, I steel myself and give him a stiff nod. I walk to the door, feeling Orenda’s eyes on me and glance back to see her watching me with a dumbfounded expression. I step out into the hallway and wait for Jartre to join me. He steps out, closes the door behind him and looks at me with that same paternal look he gave Orenda, making me suppress a sneer.
“If you’re about to lecture me, I don’t have the energy for it,” I forewarn.
He responds with a brief, half-hearted smile as he shakes his head. “Orenda is alive right now because of you, if anything, I want to thank you.”
I raise an incredulous brow. “Thank me? She nearly died because of me,” I remind him. How fucking stupid is he?
“So…you don’t want me to lecture you, but you don’t want me to thank you either,” he ventures. “Are you trying to put me in a precarious position or are your emotions in that great a conflict with one another?” he gages thoughtfully.
My nostrils flare and my mouth sets into a hard line. “What the fuck do you want me to say?”
Jartre takes a deep breath and scrubs his hands down his face. “Azadou…” he begins. “I’ve been where you are. Not exactly the same,” he clarifies before I can interject. “But close enough. I spent thousands of years wallowing and focusing on nothing but my anger and bitterness, and I did so because that was easier than going through the hurt I felt. That anger can fuel you, but it’s fucking exhausting. Believe me, I know,” he stresses. “I let that anger get the best of me and ended up doing a lot of bad things that hurt a lot of people,” he admits remorsefully.
“So you asked me out here to offload?” I deadpan.
“The difference between you and me is that when happiness came knocking at my door I knew what it was and could remember how good it felt, which made it easy to accept. Because of how I brought you into this world you never got the chance to know what that felt like, and I’m sorry. Happiness walked right up to you, but not understanding it, you ran from it and clung to the only feelings you did know. I think you spiralling was inevitable. And while how it played out is terrible, I’m proof that you can get past it.”
I look away, hating how much sense everything he said makes and hating the fact that the person I hate the most in this whole forsaken universe, might just be the one person who understands me the best. How’s that for irony?
“She’ll forgive you, ya know,” he suddenly states.
My head snaps to him, my eyes bugging incredulously. “Have you been skipping through lightning? I made her watch as I turned and killed humans. I made her reject me, then accepted it and almost got her killed because of it!” I exclaim angrily while trying to keep my voice down.
“And then you got a hit with one big dose of reality and now here you are, saving her, bringing her home and calling on the person you loathe most just because it’s what was best for her,” he points out. He sighs and takes a step towards me. “Azadou, for just a second, stop thinking and let yourself feel. Take in all those feelings, no matter how horrible they might be and tell me what they are saying to you.”
I frown at his instructions but decide to comply. I take a deep breath and try to push away all the noise in my head, then let in all the emotions I’ve been holding at bay. They hit me like a tsunami, their intensity overwhelming and even scaring me. There’s anger and hurt but underneath is yearning, not for vengeance but for something…hopeful. I look at him, too scared to say what I’m feeling out loud.
Jartre reaches out and clasps my shoulder firmly, staring into my eyes encouragingly. “Say it.”
“I…want her,” I utter strenuously. I was sure I had no more walls left to knock down, but it seems there was one more left, and right now it’s crumbling down. “I want to be with her. I want to…be someone who makes her smile instead of reducing her to tears. I want to live, truly live and I want to do it with her.” The words are spilling out of me with no end in sight, each one lifting my burden a little more. “I want to know what love feels like. I want to go back in time and take back all the pain and hurt I caused her. I want…I need to make this right. I want to see my child be born and watch them grow,” I profess achingly, a tear rolling down my cheek as I feel my connection to the baby and hear the way it and Orenda’s heartbeats form a harmonious rhythm. “For the first time in my existence, I feel like I have a reason to be here. I want to live, and I want to be worthy of them both.”
I gasp for air through shuddering breaths, placing my hand on the wall to keep myself upright as I process the overwhelming emotions I’m feeling right now. I feel…raw and exposed, and as terrifying as that feels there’s an odd relief in it as well.
Jartre claps me on the back. “Bet it feels good to get that out,” he muses.
I snort and quickly wipe the tears from my face as I let myself calm down. “Among other things.”
“You can still have all those things,” he promises.
I look at him sceptically. “She could never forgive me after everything I have done,” I argue shamefully.
“She could if you gave her a reason to,” he clarifies.
My brows furrow as I straighten up. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, earn her forgiveness; whatever it takes,” he cheers auspiciously. “If you really want everything you just said, then you need to make it happen. Get to know her, earn her trust and in time you might just earn her forgiveness.”
“And if I can’t?” I challenge warily.
He sighs. “Then you would have to learn to accept that, but even if you can’t have her, that doesn’t mean you can’t be a father to your child,” he offers.
“What if she doesn’t let me? Maybe she won’t want me near the baby after what I’ve done,” I worry, speaking my fears out loud.
He shakes his head adamantly. “Orenda would never do that. I would stake my very life on it,” he wagers.
I sigh with nerves and exhaustion, running my fingers through my hair. “I don’t even know where to start.”
“Start with just being there for her however she needs. Orenda has just gone through a terrible ordeal that we don’t even know the half of. I may have healed her body and restored her essram, but there will likely be scars and trauma left from this that might never heal. She’s going to need all the patience and support she can get, especially so she can get through this pregnancy.”
My stomach sinks sickeningly. I hadn’t even thought about that. In just the course of a few hours, I’ve gone from wallowing in misery to learning I’m a father, then being told Orenda was missing to finding her, only to realise she and our unborn child were on the cusp of death. I’ve had so much to process – and still do – while focusing on each task that was placed in front of me that it hadn’t occurred to me what ramifications this might all have on her psyche.
I’ve thought about and expected hatred and disgust for my actions, which I know I deserve. I have even imagined what she must have gone through while being held captive, each scenario more gruesome than the last. But even with all that, I believed that once she was found, brought home, and taken care of, she’d be okay; she’d probably still hate me but at least she’d be okay. I don’t know why I had convinced myself of that. I couldn’t deal with my creation or imprisonment and yet for some stupid reason, I believed she’d just be perfectly fine after all of this. But how can she be? What if she can never get past it?
“Azadou, I can see you spiralling; don’t,” Jartre demands forcefully.
“How the fuck can’t I?” I snap in agitation. “I have never taken care of a single living being, Jartre. I’ve never even tried to get close to anyone before. I barely understand half the shit I am feeling and she’s in there needing someone who can be strong for her and get her through something I’ll probably never fucking understand,” I blurt out as my stress levels rise.
“Then you ask,” he retorts like it’s obvious. “Take it from someone who learned the hard way; you can save yourself a lot of stress by just asking. If you don’t understand something or know something, then ask. If you feel unsure or find yourself paranoid and jumping to conclusions, then talk about it. Notwithstanding a certain prophecy, things would have gone a lot smoother when I met Gabriella had I just thought to do any of that, but I was a stubborn dick with way too much baggage. You’re a lot like me whether you like it or not, so here I am paying it forward,” he declares.
I stare at him unblinking. “You’re telling me the answer to the shit in my head, and the trauma Orenda is going through is to just…talk?” I ask sceptically.
“It seems overly simple, and some topics are harder than others, but you’ll be amazed by how effective it is,” he promises. “I mean, look at us. We’re talking right now, and it seems to be working. You haven’t taken a swing at me or thrown a bolt of lightning at me once,” he boasts proudly.
“Doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about it,” I retort cynically.
“But you didn’t do it,” he smugly points out. “You can’t tell me getting this off your chest hasn’t made you feel a little bit better,” he challenges arrogantly.
“At this rate, your head’s going to get so big it’ll explode and take the whole house with it,” I mock boorishly.
Jartre snorts with laughter and claps me on the back once more. “Well look who discovered humour,” he announces in amusement. “I think you’ll be just fine,” he assures me.
I’m not accustomed to being so chummy with Jartre and I’m finding it rather unsettling. That being said - and it begrudges me to admit this - but his words have been somewhat fruitful. I still don’t see how just talking with Orenda can help either of us, but I may as well try. Just thinking about what I have to do to earn Orenda’s forgiveness is making me feel physically ill, but the thought of spending time with her and the hope that this might work is soothing my fractured essram and making it feel just a little less broken. I don’t know if Jartre is right, but either way, I have decided to try. If not for Orenda or myself then at least for the life growing inside of her.