Chapter 84 Chapter Eighty-Four - Amelia
As I look down into the bassinet, listening to the steady thumps of my precious baby girl, I lose count of how many emotions are running through me. My mum tried to brace me for how overwhelming having a baby is. She warned me that from one moment to the next I won’t know whether I want to laugh, scream or cry and she was right, but I still wasn’t prepared. However, the one thing she didn’t prepare me for was how to do this without her.
Zara whimpers quietly in my mind as I look over at the framed picture by the television of my mum holding my daughter the day she was born, and I can feel the tears filling my eyes. She tried so hard to make herself look healthy and strong for her granddaughter that day. It’s such a beautiful, bittersweet photo. My mum’s radiant red hair almost cocooning my daughter, her thick black tufts a stark contrast against my mum’s red. Mum was so happy to meet her granddaughter and even though my daughter was fresh out of the womb, it’s like she knew what my mum needed in that moment and looked up at her with adoring eyes. I’m glad that moment was caught on camera. It’s one I’ll cherish for as long as I live.
I hear the door to the suite open and I look over as Marcus walks in with an empathetic look. He shuts the door and walks over to me, wrapping me in his arms. I cling to him, breathing in his sweet scent as I let the tears fall freely.
“It’s alright to let it out, baby. You don’t have to be strong all the time,” he says softly, tenderly stroking my hair.
“I feel like if I let myself break down I’ll never stop,” I say in a trembling voice.
“Amelia, I have felt how much your grief has been weighing on you. Don’t keep bottling it up,” he urges, cupping my face in his hands, his pained forest eyes looking down at me. “If you won’t do it for yourself then do it for our daughter. Let her know it’s okay to let out those feelings.”
His words pierce me like silver. I know he’s right, and I don’t want our daughter growing up thinking she can’t express her emotions, but I just don’t think I can handle this much grief without it killing me.
“The pain will only get worse the longer you push it down, Amelia,” Zara sighs sadly while she remains curled up in a ball in my mind.
I feel Marcus wipe the tears from my cheeks, but that only encourages more to fall.
“Talk to me,” he implores.
I look up at him, my vision becoming blurred by my tears. “I knew she was in pain…” I cry with a shudder. “I knew she’d been so broken and alone since dad died, but she held herself together and tried to be strong and be there for me during the pregnancy and the birth, so much that I thought…I thought she’d get through it. Not every person dies when they lose their animai and she was tough, you know? You know how strong my mum was.”
He nods as tears brim in his eyes, “Tough as nails. I still remember her decking me when she first met me,” he says with a bright smile.
I chuckle as the tears continue to fall. “I convinced myself she could survive this…but I was stupid because I knew how much they loved each other. How could I ever think she could live without him? Now both my parents are gone, and I don’t know what to do. Every time our baby smiles, or yawns, or squeezes my finger I want to run out and share that moment with them, but I can’t because they’re gone,” I sob as I struggle to catch my breath. “I know I have you, and I have my grandparents and my friends, but I feel so alone. I’m a parent and I don’t know how to be a parent and I can’t turn to my mum and dad for advice and it’s killing me.”
I sob uncontrollably, air barely coming into my lungs as Marcus holds me bone-crushingly tight to his chest as if he’s trying to hold me together. Zara lets out a pained howl, but it only breaks me further. My whole life, I knew how to be an Alpha. I trained since birth to be an Alpha, so it has always come naturally to me. I stepped into my destiny with confidence and pride and as much as I wanted to be a mother, that’s not something I was ever trained to be. You can read every parenting book on the planet but as soon as that baby is placed in your arms, those books mean nothing. The two people I want to be able to turn to for guidance on how to be a parent are no longer here and now I just feel lost.
“I’m an orphan, Marcus, and I don’t know how to handle that.”
I weep against his chest, my body shaking and hyperventilating as I let out my tears, with Marcus never loosening his hold on me for a second. I cry until I can’t breathe, my eyes start to burn, and my chest begins to ache, but still, it’s not enough. There aren’t enough tears to release the pain I feel; this emptiness that’s consuming me. Every child knows that one day their parents will die, I just never imagined it would be this soon, or that I’d lose them so close to each other. I never thought that the greatest moment of my life – bringing my daughter into the world – would quickly be overshadowed by the death of my mother just two days later.
“Amelia, I think it might be a good idea if we make you a couple doctor’s appointments,” Marcus tentatively suggests.
I pull back to look at him as I take shallow breaths, “W-why?”
“Because you just gave birth and that alone comes with a million emotions you have no control over and on top of that you’re dealing with the loss of not just one but two parents, people I loved too,” he says with tears in his eyes. “I see what you’re going through, and I see how hard you’re trying to be strong, but you don’t need to. Please go and see a doctor because I can’t lose you too and neither can our little girl,” he pleads.
I sink my teeth into my bottom lip to stop it from trembling. I can see the pain and fear in his eyes, the electricity of our bond still in full effect as he wipes the tears from my cheeks, but it’s only as I feel that jolt that I realise I can’t feel his emotions. In fact, I haven’t felt them in days.
“You’ve been putting a block up, haven’t you?” I whisper brokenly.
He sighs as he nods. “You’re already burdened by your own emotions; I didn’t want you to have to deal with mine too.”
“Marcus…” I start to protest, but he quickly places his finger to my lips.
“I don’t regret my choice and I would gladly do it again, so don’t you dare start feeling guilty. I did it because I love you,” he says forcefully.
I suck in a shaky breath, “I guess even with a block up you can still read me like a book.”
“I’d be a shitty fucking excuse for an animai if I couldn’t read the love of my life. I don’t need some magical bond to read you, Amelia.” He leans in, placing a soothing kiss against my forehead only for the room to fill with the sounds of unhappy cries. I look towards the bassinet, wiping the tears from my eyes and trying to compose myself as best I can. Marcus squeezes my shoulders. “I’ve got her.”
Marcus steps over to the bassinet, leaning down and effortlessly lifting our daughter into his arms. He cradles her little marshmallow body in his muscular arms, smiling down at her with nothing but love and devotion. He slowly rocks her in his arms and quickly her cries die down.
When I first met Marcus he had more faults than I could poke a stick at, but his natural instincts for taking care of children have never been one of them. These past five years I’ve seen the way he dotes on the children of our pack and especially our friend’s children, both here at Invictus and back at Aurum Obscuro. Marcus is a natural dad, and right now I couldn’t be more grateful because as much as I would give my life for our daughter, I would be drowning if I didn’t have him.
I step closer and reach out, holding our little girl’s hand between my fingers. Instinctively she clasps her hand around mine with incredible strength, glancing over at me with bright turquoise eyes; eyes my mum gave to me, and I passed on to her, but that mop of hair on her head is all Marcus. I lean forward and place a tender kiss on her forehead, breathing in her comforting scent that I can only describe as smelling like a tropical, baked Alaska. I feel an infinitesimal part of me begin to heal when she reaches up with her free hand to touch my face.
“I love you so much,” I whisper.
“She loves you too, Amelia, and I know she’d want you to take care of yourself just as much as I do,” says Marcus compassionately.
I close my eyes and take a calming breath before I look back at Marcus, as I resign myself to doing what needs to be done. “You’re right. I will reach out to my OBGYN, and then I’ll talk to Eric about making room for me in his schedule.”
Marcus sighs with relief, holding our baby securely in one arm as he wraps his other tight around me and plants a strong kiss on my forehead, “Thank you, Amelia. I’m so proud of you,” he praises, tucking me under his arm and burying his nose in my hair.
I lean against him taking comfort in his scent. His body warms mine and the jolts of our bond calm me as I watch our daughter self-soothe by sucking on my hand and making those cooing sounds that melt my heart.
“I think she’s going to be a chip off the old block,” Marcus says proudly.
“That’s a terrifying thought.”
“Ouch. Come on I wasn’t that bad,” he sulks.
I look up at him, raising my eyebrow in challenge, “You really want to open that door?”
“Hey, I have a lot of good qualities,” he argues defensively.
“Then let’s hope she only inherits those,” I smile up at him.
The pain in my heart hasn’t eased and maybe it never will, but embracing my soulmate and baby girl sure does help keep me from falling apart.