Maya
I arrived at the B&B a couple of hours ago. It has been nearly twenty-four hours of travelling, and it was hard not to spend it crying. I didn’t want to disturb people with my sadness or make anyone ask questions. I have made up for it since I came to my room. I have been crying non-stop. There is a feeling of emptiness. He would have read the letter by now, and the idea of him upset and heartbroken was enough to kill me.
Everyone I have met has been lovely to me. They have made sure I have had food and have everything I need. I don’t officially start for a couple of days because they want to give me time to settle in and adjust. The place is beautiful, not only the B&B but everything surrounding it: the clear blue water, the green fields and the mountains in the distance. I have never seen anything like it. Yes, I have heard and seen photographs of Scotland, but none of them compare to seeing it in person. I am hours away from any city since I am on a little island. The ferry ride here was an experience and took three hours. I saw different birds, seals and even dolphins. I can use it to get to the city, but there are only two a day. I have everything I need here for now. There are a couple of shops, pubs and restaurants in the area. It is peaceful, nothing like being back home.
I wish all these amazing things were enough to make this easier, but they aren’t. Conrad would love a place like this. I want nothing more than to call him and tell him I am okay and make sure he is alright, but I can’t. I sent Callum all the proof he needed to let him know I was gone. I swear, he better leave them alone.
I can’t help but wonder if Conrad hates me. If he doesn’t hate me, he will be worried sick about me. He won’t like the idea of me being alone. I slowly sit up from my bed and go sit on the bay window. I hug my knees to my chest, staring out at the scenery. I smile for a second, but it quickly fades. I don’t know when I will be able to smile again without feeling guilty because of what I have done.
I need to find something to do because I have the urge to go back to old habits, and I don’t want to fall into such a thing again, no matter how badly I am feeling. If I were to start again, it would be hard to stop. I would be disappointed in myself, and I am sure Conrad would be disappointed in me, too, if I started hurting myself again.
I head to the bathroom to clean myself up. I want to go outside and take some photos before it gets dark. I brought a camera with me since I don’t have a cell. I pulled on one of Conrad’s hoodies, which I had brought with me. I whimper as his scent catches my nose. I may have taken a few hoodies and some tee because I don’t want to lose all of him. They will be a comfort, hopefully. I put a coat on too because it is cold outside. I don’t want to end up sick before I even have a chance to start working.
“Are you heading out, Maya?” one of the owners, Catherine, smiles.
“Yes. I need to get out for a little while. Is there a coffee shop close by, or are they closed?” I ask.
Catherine knows what I’ve been through. We had a long, in-depth conversation over food and coffee when I arrived.
“They are closed now. If you want, I could make you a coffee to take with you?” she suggests.
“I don’t want to be a bother.”
“You won’t be. Please don’t travel too far; it will get dark soon. I don’t want you to get hurt or lost,” she says, concerned.
I smile, “Thank you. I promise not to travel far. I will be back before it gets dark.”
She nods and tells me to take a seat. She disappears to make my coffee. When she comes back to me, she hands it to me along with a little bag of something.
“A snack for your travels. Beautiful melt-in-your-mouth Scottish tablet and macaroon.” She smiles, handing it to me.
“Thank you. That is very sweet of you. I will be back soon.”
“Enjoy your exploring.”
I thank her again and head out. I shiver the second I step outside, but the cold air feels nice. I close my eyes and draw in a breath. I pull it together the best I can and start my walk. I spot a bench by the water and take a seat to drink my coffee. I will keep the snack for later. I feel too sick to eat. I had to force myself to eat earlier.
I snap some photos. The view is so stunning. I wish I could show them to Conrad—maybe one day. At the thought of him, the tears start again. I regret my choice of leaving, even if it was the right thing. I wipe my tears and head closer to the water to take more pictures. I know that nothing will work no matter what I do to distract myself. The pain won’t go away, and my heart won’t stop hurting.
I walk around, taking everything in and taking many photos for the next hour before I head back.
“How was your time out exploring?” Catherine asks.
“It is so beautiful.”
“Yes. Dinner will be served soon, sweetie.”
“Thank you, but I am not hungry. I am exhausted. I am going to shower and get some sleep. I need to adjust to the time change and recover from jetlag.” I say softly.
“Okay. I understand. If you get hungry later, please come down and help yourself. There will be leftovers in the kitchen.” She smiles.
“I will keep that in mind. Goodnight, Catherine. Thank you for making me feel welcome. I will see you in the morning.”
“You are welcome. I hope you rest well. Goodnight. Tomorrow is a new day.” She says softly.
I return to my bedroom. I probably won’t be able to sleep, especially since I am in a new place and alone. I can only hope my body gives in to the exhaustion, and I can’t fight the sleep anymore. If I don’t try taking care of myself, I really will end up sick. I need to find some strength if I want to make it through this.