Chapter 43 Chapter Fourty Three
CANDY’S POV
I don’t know how I managed to hold in most of the tears choking me until I make it blindly back into my room, the onrush of guilt and self loathe that cane out of nowhere drowning me from the inside until it’s nearly impossible to breathe.
Slamming the door behind me and hoping it locks even though I know Adrian didn’t follow after me, I slump against it, sliding down until I feel my ass plop hard against the bare, cold floor.
I feel frozen and numb and that has nothing to do with the temperature of the room. My chest hurts, this fiery pain that I cannot reach tearing through it with a vengeance that makes it feel very physical as the tears start to come, running down my face in unstoppable torrents.
I draaw my knees up against my chest to shield it, to make it stop hurting and though it doesn’t work I pretend it does, wrapping my arms around me until I feel small enough to disappear.
The tears won’t stop coming and at first it’s just about Adrian, tonight and myself, my stupid decisions up to this point to use him- the only person that has shown any modicum of care about me recently to numb myself knowing that I’ll never feel the things I felt for Nikandr with him. He’s a good guy, he’s tried times and again to show me that and God I want to want him to the point if feels like insanity but it’s not working! My dumb mind is fixated on the one person I shouldn’t give a fuck about because it thrives on torture.
He doesn’t deserve to be a stand in for a man I can’t have, I can’t do that to him and making the conscious decision to even try, again and again, makes me no better than everyone else that have hurt me in that way.
From that, it’d morphed and spiralled, tapping into every other messed up aspect of my life I’m here pretending isn’t crumbling to keep me trapped in the sadness.
This isn’t the woman I thought I’d be at this point in my life, fighting with my family, fighting heartbreak, still working under someone because I couldn’t stand up to my father to demand my rightful position for putting his company on the map.
I became the pushover that disgusted me all my life. Where’s the light and joy in the life I’m asking Peach to walk into?
What does my choice have to offer her? At this point my fight is pointless and maybe what she’s chosen, no matter how wrong I know it is, is better than this. I can’t have her going through this and hurting like I am too.
Maybe he’ll care enough to take care of her and treat her like the princess she is.
And maybe I can learn to let him go.
Fuck!
I cried until I was too exhausted to move from my spot, until my eyes hurt and my chest felt heavier than a block of lead. It hurts to admit that I’ve failed myself, failed the younger version of me that looked forward to this point in our life because I’m nothing like she imagined.
I’d be disappointed too if I were in her shoes.
Something has to change, be different before I lose my fucking mind and that has to start with fixing this mess I created. I’ll apologize to him in the morning, put my best in the job that brought us here and when we get back I’m just going to be better.
And yeah, I’ll call my sister and apologize too for not listening and being there for her in the way she needs even though it’ll kill me to. I’ll hold her hand whenever she needs me to, stand beside her while she says her vows to the man that has my heart by every fault of mine and even smile for the pictures.
Maybe Everything will be fine then, it has to be.
I woke the next morning curled on the cold floor and feeling like shit, worse now that the alcohol has worn off.
My face feels bruised and my eyes hurt.
Shit, all it’ll take is one look at me for anyone to see how pathetic I’ve let myself become.
Sighing, I peel my mostly naked body from the floor and drag it to the bathroom then proceeded to have a bath to wash all of last night away from me.
It helps to spring time life into me but not enough to shut up the voice inside my head reminding me they the level of emotions I endured last night can only be from one thing- my incoming period that always mercilessly fucks up my emotional balance.
It doesn’t help that I dread it because it comes with insane cramping that always threatens to take my life but now I have to add confronting the truths I finally admitted to myself last night to it.
Pushing all of it to the back of my mind though, I move like a robot on autopilot, going into my room to quickly get dressed.
As I’m putting on my pants, I hear the doorbell ring, announcing someone outside my door.
At first I imagine it’s Adrian and shame keeps me in place, wishing I could disappear. When the sound doesn’t go away though, I finally force myself to go open it.
I’m surprised to find one of the hotel staff with a brighter than the morning sun standing outside.
“I was asked by your......your friend to return this to you.” The young lady says, presenting my phone to me.
“Oh thanks.” I force a small smile but I don’t think she buys it because she quickly excuses herself and disappears.
I must have forgotten it with Adrian in my haste to escape before I came apart in his arms last night. It’s no wonder he didn’t bring it himself, last night must have been as confusing as hell for him too because I put the move on him first and then ended up crying and bolting.
Absently, I tap my screen awake as I try to simultaneously finish dressing but the notifications on my skin brings everything to an instant pause.
Apparently I missed a shit ton of calls in the time I was apart from my phone, some of them from my mom, a couple from dad and even one from Peach, but that’s not what has my heartbeat picking up speed against my resolve and better judgment.
No, it’s the endless calls from an unknown number and the text from that sane number saying,
“It’s Nik, I need you to answer the phone.”