Chapter 20 Chapter Twenty
CANDY’S POV
“Oh my God, I love you Cay and you’re one of the smartest people I know, but you can be so painfully dumb sometimes it makes me sad!” Peach exclaims by the time I get to the part of my story where I walked away from Nik like any person with any atom of integrity should. Prior to this, she’s been a perfect listener with the best reactions, only glaring murderously at me every time I take a pause.
“What the fuck do you mean you walked away? The first time in your life someone treats you right and you walk away.”
“I couldn’t face the rejection.”
“You couldn’t have known he’d reject you, you beautiful idiot.” She throws herself down on the bed dramatically, covering her face with her palms like she’s disappointed in me.
“You don’t get it Peach, he only agreed to the whole thing because I promised no strings attached, there’s no way he’d have agreed to more.”
“The worst he could have said is no.” She almost yells, jolting back up from her lying position. “Now you’ll never know.”
“No is enough to kill me, thanks but no thanks.”
She sighs, falling into my lap this time, adjusting until her fair head is resting in the crook of my folded legs, her eyes shooting daggers at me.
“Let me get this straight, you met someone you like when you weren’t even looking and he’s nice, took care of you, treated you like a queen, possibly likes you too and most importantly dicked you down good for the first time in your life after you finally managed to escape that deranged pig called Brent and you walked away from that because you’re scared of rejection?”
“Yeah, that exactly.” I answer sarcastically, rolling my eyes.
“This makes me so sad right now. You deserve a little goodness in your life r after the spin of rubbish you’ve had to deal with.”
I laugh, a small mirthless sound that’s strange to my ears.
“There’s no guarantee that he’s the good guy, Peach.” I say dismissively.
“All I know of him are surface level at best. For all I know, he could have been a serial killer playing pretend and I thought I fell for that because I was vulnerable at the time. Oh my God, he could totally be a serial killer and I wouldn’t even know.”
That pulls her from my legs into a sitting position again, staring at me like I’ve gone mad.
“What’s his name? Please tell me you got his name at least so we can look. Who knows what we’ll find.”
“Nikandr.” I supply with a sigh, dying with thinly veiled curiosity. I kind of want her to look, see what she’ll find so that I can maybe watch him from a far and know that he’s fine.
Okay, now I sound like a stalker.
Belatedly, I notice Peach’s surprise at his name. “His mom is half Russian.” I say, flushing from the memories of him saying it in his entrancing voice, smooth like velvet even in a crowded, noisy airport.
“You’re a lost cause.” She says, looing at me with amused eyes.
She picks her phone off my bedside drawer where she’d dumped it earlier, pulling up all her find-a-person-that-doesn’t-want-to-be-found weapons.
“Last name?”
“I don’t know.” I answer, grimacing. Now I know I should have asked.
“You didn’t ask his full name? Oh my God Candy, I should just throttle you right now. There could be like a million Nikandrs walking the face of God’s green earth right now.”
I don’t even have it in me to reprimand her about her slip up with my name, the last of the hope hiding somewhere inside me that she might find him dying before we even start looking.
After an hour or so of ransacking the internet for a Nikandr that matches mine, I give up and lay down. What’s the point of looking anyways? I’d personally admonished myself about moving on from all this before Peach waltzed in and yet here I am, fooling myself. I guess I let Peach’s optimism suck me in and give me hope and now? I have to snap out of it and face moving forward.
“Well, that’s done and dusted. I’m sure I didn’t miss anything, so can I get back to my life as I knew it before you barged in?”
She lifts a brow to look at me from the top of her phone, shaking her head like I’m truly a lost cause.
“You are beyond redemption.” She says, thankfully climbing off my bed.
“You can’t hide out here forever though. Even if not him, you have to climb out of this shell you’re hiding in eventually and put yourself out there again.”
“No, thanks.” I answer without looking at her, picking up my laptop again to dismiss her.
“I’ll keep looking and when you’re less……..” She waves her hand to encompass me, “whatever this is, I’ll run my findings by you, see if anything clicks. For now, I’ll let you be.”
I sigh in relief when she walks out the door, shutting me back in in my cocoon. I bury myself in application after application, refusing to let her words permeate my soul. I don’t need anybody, I don’t need to be put out there just so I can be trampled on. From here on out I’m just going to be my own woman, with warm memories tucked away for the cold, lonely nights when it gets too hard and I’m going to be happy!
Hours pass, the skies getting dark, before I manage to finish the last one for the day, sending it out. Now that that’s out of the way, I might go to my apartment tomorrow and figure out how to get it in prime shape to house just me. I’ve always had to share it with someone, first Lindsay and then Brent and at some point the both of them but now that they’re otherwise occupied, it’s time to wipe their every mark and print from it so it can become my haven again.
Gnawing on that thought, I leave my room in search of something to eat. My stomach has given up rumbling and has now progressed into protesting its lack of food. The ache is mild but persistent enough to get my ass fast into the kitchen to make myself a couple sandwiches.
As I’m about going back to my room to avoid running into my mom and her incessant queries about what I want to do about good for nothing Brent, apparently everyone except me could smell his rot from a mile away, Lindsay’s too, I have a change of mind.
Taking a detour, I match down the hall, food still in hand, towards dad’s study.
It’s either I finally meet him or I break into the damn place and snoop around until I find something that gives. As usual, I find the door locked. I knock over and over but there’s no response from inside, not even his frustrated voice asking me to go away.
Unsatisfied, I run up to my room and dig around the drawers until I find the spare key he’s forgotten he gave me a while back. I match back to the door and carefully unlock it, nor eager to draw any attention to me and my shenanigans.
As I push the door open, ready to start my hunt, I’m pushed to an immediate stop, frozen in my tracks, the bite of sandwich I just had coming back up my throat fast.
Oh God no! No! No!