The silence made me hear the droplets of the faucet in the kitchen, the cracking of the furnace, and the rustling of the curtain. And those are the awkward sounds of silence after my approach. He has the right to sulk like a woman. And it's my responsibility to reconcile with him. And the problem is I'm walking in the mist towards the beginning... because I'm poor when it comes to romance!
"... Can we talk?"
"... I'm listening." His subtle response sounded irritated which made my seat hot. This feels like confessing in my principal's office! He can't even look at me. His dreary stare at his clumsy wolf intimidates the mood that this conversation may lead.
In any case, "You heard everything. And that's the fullness of truth," I started. "Hessuel, I'm... sorry. I'm truly sorry from the bottom of my soul. I've done it all because I'm scared to let you die. The moon gave you to me. And that was my foolish way to protect the blessing..."
"Was it I who pushed you to that decision? Was it because I'm too naive and dangerous or annoying—?"
"No. Don't blame yourself. I carry all the blame here! And we don't share it."
He turns his face at me. "Dan, there must be something wrong with me that was why you pushed me away! you left me behind!"
"Yes, I did! I stole your memories of me from you and left you behind because I thought it's best for you if we never met. That you can be a great Alpha without me because around those times, the whole pack needs you and, compared with that, all we have is a pleasure."
"That's why you decided on your own?"
"Yes! That was why I concluded the enigma on my own."
"You... actually believed... I can be a great Alpha without you?" he reprimanded. At this very moment, I learned that love can bring me down the belt. And the man I love is my greatest weakness.
"Because I'm a hindrance to your potential. You made dangerous decisions because of me. I don't want you to neglect your purpose because of me. It was all me! I am the one to be blamed! You were frap to me because of my own greed in the first place. I'm not a perfect Luna for you. And I didn't want to hinder the reason why you woke up in this era..."
"And you preferred Sherizzah to be my Luna? You preferred to give me away to any pure she-wolves because you think I deserve better than a dumped woman like you? You preferred to make me an Alpha without you because you think I wouldn't shed blood? Did you prefer to end us all because you criticized yourself!?" His ferocious eyes and fangs are against me. And after he noticed that I flinched, he looked away. "Did I fail... to cease those thoughts of yours... before you left me?"
He tried many times to lift my burden up. He was the one who tried to mend me yet I was the first one to drop him and broke him. And it was just me who's been dragging myself down the darkness, not showing appreciation by turning my back on it. My voice quivers, "Please don't blame yourself... I'm sorry. It was all because of my poor decisions."
He lowers his voice as gently as dull. "And you'll keep making it if you can't let go of those thoughts. It's just you and me, all this time from the beginning, who build what we and we'll have. Not the Moon's Order pack. Not the mages. Not the black wolves. Just us... Then this will not work out."
"What... do you mean?" The coldness struck my whole body. I've been trying to rebuild what we lost. And now I just felt the ache of concluding everything one-sidedly. I deserve it more than anything. But the tears accumulating against my vision disagree.
"What I'm compelled to do... is to keep holding onto the futile hope that you could see yourself the way I see you. I can never free the slave if you didn't initiate the plan. I can never know my purpose, my home, and my memories without your help. I can never behold the imaginary glimmering flowers in my perspective whenever I'm with you if I never met you. I am dead... if it wasn't because of you. You're not a nuisance to my potential. You don't hinder my purposes since you're a part of it in the first place. I am not demanding a perfect Luna. You are none of those but you are worthy of me more than anyone else.
"Dan, you are my heroine."
"..." My face slumps. He's indeed more powerful than anyone I met before. He can destroy the heavy burden weighing me down. However...
"We met at the right time with the right origin. It was all meant to be... and that was it. We will not work out... unless you fix yourself."
He left my side afterward.
"W-Where are you going?"
"I'd rather walk away than be pushed away."
"Wha— No! Hessuel! I'm not gonna push you away again!"
Does it mean he wants to cool off? But it pains me to see him walk away. I know this kind of quarrel is a part of love and it's frustrating! He leaves while his wolf is gnawing the bars to escape. I'm prohibited from using spells, so I got no choice but to chase him literally! I put on the belt immediately and ran. I was expecting yet still surprised that he's already on the pier!
"Hessuel, stop!!"
But he didn't regard it again. He was setting the boat when I caught him on his waist and plunged with him into the water! We resurface together. I'm clinging around his shoulders while he's wrapping his arm around my waist, his other arm holding onto the boat. "What are you doing—!?"
"I'm not letting you go!" I exclaimed at his face, slightly shivering. The tears are mixed with lake water. "No. I won't leave you again! I won't make decisions on my own about us again! I will fix myself, so please, don't leave me... don't leave us..."
He's unknotting my arms. "O-Okay, b-but first—"
And I tighten my cuddle, sinking my face into his shoulder. "I love you! And I fear losing you." Then I speak successively, "I swear I will fix myself I will think better for myself I promise just don't go!! Give me a chance I want to be a good mate to you I want to watch the kids grow with you I want to live the rest of my life with you I oath with the moon and heavens that I want it to be you and I will," I took a deep breath, "fight for you!!"
"..." He touches my arm with his cold hand. "Dan—"
"Please, let's fix this once more... I don't want to lose you."
And another fact I learned about love; coaxing, forgiving, and adjusting are genderless. It's the balance a couple needs to repair the most beautiful art they've seen: their own romance. For someone as aromantic as me, it's cringing! But not for Hessuel.
After the silence, I noticed his uncontrollable chilling. I touch his cheeks to check him and say, "Oh my goddess! Are you alright!?" He's pale and weak again!
"Ha... I-I'm... not okablrb." His mouth sank into the water before he could finish his sentence! I hurried to hang him on the boat, mount in here, then pull him up!
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I should've cut my drama earlier!"
I can almost conclude that he's being attacked by seizure. He just came from sickness last night and hasn't fully recovered. Yet he had the audacity to leave. I took him back inside patiently and obliged him to change his clothes while I'm preparing hot coffee. He's sitting on the rug in front of the furnace—covering himself with a blanket—beside my sleeping dogs, Acro is sleeping with them too. His wolf has calmed down like him. Yet I can see the blush on his face while he's quietly staring at the fire.
"Here." I gave him a cup of coffee and sat beside him. "I'm... sorry again," I muttered. Then I looked at him when he didn't respond a word. "... It's true. You've changed." I don't see the lively and funny Hessuel at all. He's the exact opposite now.
"You're not the first one who mentioned that to me."
"I still like it." I give a smile to him when he looks at me, then he avoids my glance again. My sweet sheepdog cuddles with me. "Why can't you look at me straight? Are you still mad?"
"I'm not mad at you."
"Then why? Are you so discouraged you can't manage to look at me?"
"... Because you don't want to see my raging eyes."
I smile at the furnace. It's correct that I was frightened a while ago. Yet greater than fear, it broke my heart. I don't want him to look at me that way, and he knew it so he's thriving not to look at me. "I understand anyway," I said, nevertheless. There is silence again in between. "... I'll just avoid your glance so you could look at me."
"It's you who wants to gaze at my eyes."
I chuckled and hissed, "You can still remember that?" I remove my belt, lift my half-dried dress, then borrow his burning hand to flatten it on my baby bump. "Soon you'll have twin sons. The first silver pups to be born in this generation." I'm staring at his hand while I know that he's staring at me.
"Dan..."
"Hm?"
"Tell me about... your pregnancy."
"A pregnant werewolf is different from humans. They yearn for the heat of their mate. Not specifically sexing, cuddling and tenderness are enough to make them happy. They are often attacked by anxiety, not by will, so it's important! They want to smell the scent of their mate every day. Their werewolf senses double, they tend to be more aggressive or glutinous! Some want to hunt the prey for their satisfaction! Some glow, some become stronger, some—"
"And you?"
I failed to avoid his glance. "Right. I... just want to feel you were there, especially during the first trimester. That's it. I'm half, therefore, the effects are half as well," I said straight to his eyes. He pulls his hand back and grasps his head. I embrace him immediately when I catch his balance! "Hessuel! How are you feeling!?" I check the temperature of his forehead and he's burning hot! I laid the cup on the table and supported him to the couch. I've never seen him as vulnerable to the cold as this!
He's resisting but because I'm stronger, I pin him down on his shoulders and cover him with the blanket. I was about to prepare for the aid but he grabbed the skirt of my dress and grunted, "Take off that clothes."