I wasn't aware that I'd been making it void until today.
I stoop down and weep. "I... I can't say the same words anymore..."
"Yes, you can! Don't bind your perseverance over your fear!" The way she knocks my senses out of me rubs salt into my wounds. She's the only person who knows. She's the only person I never thought I'd been waiting for. And that made me pity myself dramatically.
"It's my fault! I plan my own sadness! I am so weak! I'm so selfish!"
"Okay, calm down—"
"It's my fault why he suffered... and suffering! It's my fault why he looked at me with such cold eyes! I ruined his life! He's the real victim, not me... I don't deserve him! I'm not worthy of his love!" I continued. Lanasia is trying to tame me; caressing my shoulders and finger-combing my hair. "How could I... How could I bestow misery to that kind werewolf!? How could he love someone like me!? What if he falls out of love because of my perversity!? I am not worthy to be his other half, I only broke his whole life! He doesn't... He doesn't deserve someone as cowardly as me! I— gonk eserv he!!"
She put a handkerchief in my mouth as her only option to shut me up. She allowed me to wet her shoulder with my tokens of feebleness. She speaks gently this time, "You're such an overthinker, my friend. If he ever falls out of love with you because of your idiocy, then make him love you again. There's no reason to give up if your love for someone is sincere. You may rest, then rise up again." She wipes her little sweat on her forehead. "Ugh, my kid might come out earlier than expected due to frustration! And you'll give her a headache on her first day of life!"
I pull out the handkerchief and wipe my pathetic tears using it. "It's her mother's fault anyway. Oh... her?"
We both felt short-term dizziness after bursting our heavy emotions like that. The engaged couple assisted me while Lanasia's Omegas assisted her. And they all look like bewildered nurses for two pregnant patients that could give sudden birth out of our drama. Plus, my dogs are playful already to disturb them—my kind of sweet headache every day. They give us fresh water and a fan to cool down.
Manjiro points out while massaging his temple, "The panic attack hits differently if the patient is pregnant."
"You, children, are exaggerated."
Lanasia opposes, "It's reasonable. Perhaps this is your first time. Giving birth is equal to shaking hands with the personification of death."
"I mean we're not giving birth yet."
"It would be helpful to cease all dramas if you don't want us to worry," Manjiro suggested and I repulse,
"I just speak for myself—!"
"That's enough, please. Manjiro," Linly pacified.
It could be the extract of my bitterness, the reason why I often depend on my own and downplay the service of others. Motivation or happiness may come from within but the impact is excessively different, and the best. I could never realize my shortcomings if none of them knocked on my door, and I would still be embracing the darkness of my thoughts if I didn't open the door for them.
But there is this heedless lad who trespasses my house. "Mother! What happened—!?"
"Don't you have some manners? Knock!" My big husky dog pulls his cloth to the outside and my magic closes the door.
"Come on!" he complains from the outside. He knocks thrice before entering with the same manner: a concerned son. Zaeramil looks weary when he knelt down in front of Lanasia, the Omegas humbly gave way. "Mother, are you okay?" he consults. However, I spit the water I was sipping! "Geez, ma’am. Act your age."
I'm surprised—and impressed—with his royal white cloth, fresh haircut, and physical maturity! I observe him and the way he converses with Lanasia. His mother assured him of her well-being before he composed himself. I whisper to savage my friend,
"From bartender to prince. From lone wolf to Alpha." I gave a judgemental glance at her from head to toe. "From criminal to Luna. Your family tables the turn," I said in jest.
She whispers in return, "We've been through lots of changes and discrimination these past months. Who would've thought that Hessuel would choose my husband to be the next Alpha?"
"Matheo is loyal. He deserves the responsibility. And your son, how could you handle a son like that who lacks moral respect for senior citizens? Perhaps he inherited this attitude from you?"
"Wow, how dare you~" she sang with a smile.
Zaeramil is busy chatting with the couple about the ways to propose marriage.
"Why do you ask, by the way? Would you like to have a girl? or a boy?"
"And how did you know yours is a girl? Haven't I seen this kind of technology humans made?"
"Oh, my friend~ You could enchant a belt to hide your baby bump but not to identify the identity of your child?"
I played a smirk on her. "I'll make an enchanted belt for you if you tell me how."
"You're so good with witches' negotiation! I'll give it to you for free." An enchast glow at the tip of her finger as she scans my womb. Out of curiosity about the gender of my baby. Then she covers her circled mouth. "I will tell you if you answer the answer I wanted to hear from my question," she negotiates eventually. Something about her teasing eyebrows and excited smile bothers me with the suspense.
"What is it?"
"What's your decision regarding your mate?"
"..." My mood was silenced. "Give me time to think about it. I'll have to rebuild myself again."
Her genuine smile comforts me. But she holds back the result of the gender test! The couple left and Lanasia with her pupils spent the night in the palace. She was proven guiltless by the moon servants as part of the alliance of the 2 packs—in fact, she never committed a crime. At night, sleepiness didn't drop in my head. I've been ruminating about the plan I should make to bring back Hessuel's intelligence. Haiban has given me a clue.
I dine for midnight snacks and turn on the fire in the furnace. My own way to discover my child's identity is to see the future. When I activated my enchast and saw the answer, I had the same reaction as Lanasia.
Henceforward, my resolution has lit up my path once again. In the middle of the night, I prepared my fare and other non-cosmetic things in my string leather bag. I left the food and water for the dogs. I put my belt on. Before I leave the island, I pick a few of the plentiful flowers in my garden and tie them in a ribbon.
I queue for the train 30 minutes before it opens at 4 am. I am the only passenger during the ride until I arrive in Lanbarc city. The streets are empty. I stroll under the line of fire trees, watch the silence of the small village that had fully recovered, and ultimately reach my monthly destination: Cormelio's grave.
My previous flower offerings dried up. I lay my new offering and make my previous offerings bloom by my magic. The day dawn playing in the sky is comforting. Similar to how I felt while walking away from darkness, and now I can see the light shining in my life again. Trauma whispers to me for several weeks. Doubt bound me for so many days. I have the guts for almost everything except for one crucial thing: the guts to fight for my love.
It wasn't fate that made me miserable. It was and always had been my poor choices that made me unfortunate in love. I have never fought for it. But now I want to test how much love can conquer. It is now an additional reason why I choose to live at 23.
It was the age I got married to Shun. We built our dreams and started. At this age, I want to continue that dream again. I want to make my romance bloom. I chose 23... because it's full of dreams I want to start all over again until it has been done. And the following age shall be the fulfillment instead of regret. And I will make it happen with my mate. Pushing him away also means pushing my dream away. Guilt made me recognize that mistake.
Neither Acro nor Hessuel is around. That's unusual. My sleepless mind reciprocates by my heavy eyelids. I only realized that I fell asleep when I felt the softness of fur on my skin. I jolt my arms. "Hess—!" Yet it's a big white wolf.
"Why did you come here alone?" Lanasia has been standing behind me with her Omegas. "To visit my deceased brother is part of my schedule, too. You should've told me."
"It's sudden."
I stretch my arms and neck. My legs are numb and prickly! A new batch of flowers is laid on Cormelio's grave.
"Sudden? I hope that means my slap diverted you to the right way of thinking."
"I know where Zaeramil inherited that habit of disrespecting the elderly."
"The behavior is exclusive for you," she teases. "Let's dig in first."
The village is getting lively. We had a hot breakfast in a small eatery.
"You know, I have the same words," she remarks in the voice of sadness. "It's my fault my brother died. I involve him in the mess of werewolves. I often cared more about my own safety than his. And I never got the chance to thank him, to introduce my family to him, until he died. You're lucky that Hessuel is still here, you can see him, you can touch him, or you can talk to him. But my brother... he's totally gone now."
"Shut your mouth, child. Don't compare your misfortune to mine. We all have our problems and it weighs differently on the bearer and watcher."
"I'm not comparing. I'm just stating the differences—"
"Don't paraphrase your reason. I was part of the agreement. I felt the same. Apparently, Cormelio didn't regret his choice. So for him, I shall cherish the life he sustained for Hessuel. I will do whatever I can to put away Cormelio's life in vain by helping my mate become whole again."
"Wow. I like you more today than yesterday." She can now smile at me. "Thank you."
"No. Thank you. You're part of my brute recovery."
She wryly shakes her shoulders. "Because we're like sisters~"
"I'm not done with you yet. I'll show you something."