Back when I was a child...
I read books in the garden in secrecy to hide from my father's sight as much as I can. This is what makes me happy and worth living, however, it's a trespass in my family. The book I read is one of the subjects my brothers have. Lessons are all about enchantment. Enchast is the ring of glowing light that appears on the caster's hand; sometimes, it consists of three layers depending on the number of spells to be cast at the same time.
I stretched forth my hand and imagined an enchast on my hand. To see it in my hands would be the best day of my life and that day was the beginning of my steps toward that dream. I read further and lost count of the page. The moment I've been running away caught me when a maid approached me and said,
"Young lady, the master is looking for you."
Behind her, several steps away outside the garden are my father with my oldest brother. It was too late to hide the book behind me yet I still do. The maid delivered me to them and I avoided the glance of my father. He extended his hand to me.
"Give me the book."
He could have snatched it from me in hostility but he's trying my obedience. I gave it to him and he gave it to my brother.
"Who taught you to read?"
"I learned it by myself," I bragged in order to impress him but the outcome was a disappointment.
"Did I tell you to study?" He sat to match my height. "Dandeline, what you are ought to do is to practice your elegance, be graceful in demeanor, be polite in talking, and be a girl according to what you are born with." He fixes my already fixed hair and the tight dress. "You are the only girl amongst my 9 children and no one can bear me more offsprings anymore. The salvation of the wealth of our family is your responsibility. You have to be a woman that men in Walton or Johnson or Montecarlo family will admire. Reading may only turn them off. So, mind your own duty. Do I have to repeat myself?"
It was choking. "No. I understand, father. I'm sorry..." His words limped me towards my dream. Or maybe because of the body I have: a girl.
My mouth was shut throughout the day not only because I cannot satisfy myself by reading but also because of what I am. I sat submissively in front of the mirror while the maid silently combing my brunette and wavy hair. The families my father mentioned are his business partners. He worked hard to maintain the wealth of this family and the partnership they have. To be a woman of any of that family, to be stylish, to be high maintenance sounds far away from my ambition.
The astounding mansion cage I lived in was suffocating. The house rules are choking. I always envied my brothers for they have more rights for themselves. For parents, having a son was a great advantage and respectful. If I bear my man sons, my reputation for the entire family will be esteemed. Daughters will play a role for other families.
And if a woman cannot bear a child, she shall be cast out, then her man will find another woman who can bear him children. That was the role everyone in that mansion taught me: the divine role of the woman is to be ruled by her man and make his seed prosper.
Is it really me whom I should despise? Was it my choice to be a girl before I was born? Should I reprimand myself that I dreamed of something unreachable? I stood up and pushed the chair and the maid, glaring at my reflection. I imprudently stripped my dress, scrambled my hair, and messed up the pillow, blanket, and things in my room.
"Young lady! What're you—!?"
"I HATE THIS FAMILY! I HATE THIS PLACE! I HATE THAT DRESS!" Even the innocent doll I had was pummelled and trodden by my frustration while groaning. "This! All of it... sucks! You! Nonsense! Pathetic... manhood!" Then I removed my slippers and threw them at the pendulum. "Womanly!? Me!? Screw your cock!!" And then again pummel my pillow. "I want to be an enchantress! I want to study! I want to be a boy!!"
"Young lady, please!"
I flipped my messy hair and ceased when I heard someone clapping at the door. Suddenly, I behaved myself. The woman even my father respected was present in our mansion that night. My authoritative grandmother. "So, my only granddaughter wants to be a boy?"
"..."
"Or," an enchast manifested in her hand and everything I messed up including myself was rearranged, "you want to be an enchantress?"
I looked at her with amazement and pleading eyes. "Yes."
I was frightened when she came closer. "Are you confident with your answer?"
"Yes!!" I yelled yet my voice broke and tears went out.
Several days of an argument happened between my father and grandmother. And it concluded with stripping me of the honor and name of the family, rights, inheritances, and protection. Freedom isn't for free. It was the day that I turned my back on the life I despised. My grandmother, whom I thought had a bigger mansion and strict servants like my father, took me to her isolated house in the village of Dachologie Vil. around the city of Plandreas.
She lived alone with her dogs of different breeds. It took me a while to be friends with them until I officially adored them. She taught me everything she had as an enchantress, she taught me how to read, and she taught me about the history of our family. My ancestors were once friends of silver wolves. Not only about enchantment but she taught me how to be a typical woman. Someone who cleans the house, cooks, does laundry, does gardening, and grooms the dogs.
I was 16 when I finally learned how to manifest my enchast and my spellbook. It was one of the happiest days of my life. Every sacrifice was worth my dream. Though that was the beginning of everything. I used my magic to expedite my work such as putting protection in my eyes when cutting onions. I was 18 when my grandmother convinced me to be a student in Venduque Academy, the school of mages in Plandreas. It is where spellbooks are created by the main source of enchantment protected by the authorities.
On that very day, my name was enlisted on the students under the course of Moon Priest. It was the day I also knew that the moon had a plan for me. I proudly announced to my grandmother the outcome and the night was filled with celebration. I knew it was difficult to enter an academy where boys predominated the campus. Whenever I passed by, their eyes—followed with murmurings—were at me.
But my anger for boys was enough to overlook them. Our room was classic, with more on books and shelves, and any blueprint that explained the theories of magic. My seat is separated from the boys because I wanted to. However, the lazy professor we had told us to regroup for learning a spell from the moon: the moonlight that will tame the werewolves.
Contrary to my will, I approached a group of boys but all I got was an insult although they weren't trying to insult me. "This task is difficult for girls. You can join us and leave the rest to us to make it work."
"..." I turned my back and returned to my seat. "Nevermind. I'll do the task myself."
"What? So moody."
I really hate boys. They think big about themselves. Lazy. Arrogant. Too carefree.
One of my classmates came rushing, he was one hour late. Another thing is irresponsible! He took a seat at the same table as mine. He was chasing his breath and his clothes were wet. He fixed himself with enchantment to look appropriate in front of me. But I wasn't welcoming. The others made a ball-size moon that radiated glowing light. It was attractive but they all needed to combine their Enchast for a tiny ball moon.
"Uhm, hi? About the task... How can I help?" he asked politely.
"Nothing. Just watch."
"... Huh? I can help—"
"Moonlight attracts werewolves and we oughta use it to tame them or distract them, according to my studies. But if you were to tame thousands of werewolves, a tiny enchanted moonlight will not work. Considering the number or not," I manifested my spellbook and flipped it automatically to where I wrote my spell, "making the enchanted moonlight more realistic by size will hypnotize them by its beauty."
The second I closed the book, the whole room turned dark. I raised my hand and on the tip of my pen appeared a bigger moon that radiated lights. I smirked at myself because their jaws dropped. "If humans weren't attracted to your moonlight, then so are werewolves." As told by my strict and loving grandmother.
The professor gave me the highest score.
I often studied by myself in the library. My love for reading never subsided. I read a book pertaining to the Moon Goddess and her origin, including the history of the werewolves. She isn't an inhabitant of this world but she can set foot here by a proxy or vessel. An unfinished spell was included in this book, so I copied it into my spellbook.
Werewolves have four breeds; white, black, red, and gold. White and black propagated gray wolves. Throughout the generations of their existence, breeds multiplied including the adopted children of the Moon Goddess which is called Hybrid—a half-werewolf and half-human.
Werewolves originally are wolves but because of the moon's blessing, they can shift into a human which is appropriately called Intelligence. But that doesn't mean that they are half-human. I was engaging with the exciting facts provided in this book when a lad approached me.
"Dandeline!" He was my partner during the task. "You're amazing! I've never seen a girl excel in this academy before. You might be the first one. It's nice to have you in our class! My name is Shun." His kindly and welcoming smile was the first thing I remember about him. He's tall and dark, a few strands of his hair are sliding down to his eyebrow, and his perfect nose is the asset I first saw in him.
Nevertheless, he disturbed my precious time.
"Hm, thank you, Shun." I smile a little bit.
"You must be smart... and diligent... studying on your own," he stammered. "Don't you want to have some company? I can tour you around this academy if you want!"
"No. Mind your own business, then we'll be good on terms."
"Can you be my business?"
"What?"
"So I can mind you. I mean, a friend. Can you?"
"No."
I left the book on that couch, and him, dumbfounded. What does he want from me? A friend? Someone who will follow him wherever he goes? I came home that day with my tempered head. Dishes were waiting for me so I washed them harshly, making a loud clattering noise.
"Boys... Really? Do they think they can manipulate me by befriending me first? Pathetic!" I scrabbed the poor plate while ranting. "That strategy won't work on me! You! Think you can... dictate where I should be!? Don't tell me... what to wear! Don't tell me what to do!" I was grudgingly putting the plates in their dryer. "Stupid manhood!" I flipped my hair through my soaked hand.
I smelled something sweet that very moment. And then I heard my grandmother's voice. "What's the cause of your tantrum, child?"
"There is this boy—" I was struck when I found him behind my grandmother. I pointed at him. "What're you doing here!?"
"Y-Your grandma orders..."
"They have the sweetest cakes in the village! This boy is a diligent seller," my grandmother answered. Shun laid three boxes of cakes on the kitchen island and received the payment. "Do you know each other? That's wonderful."
"She's my classmate." And he told my grandmother about how excellent I was. "Sooo~ you live here? This house is cool." My grandmother seemed to trust Shun. Would that be a wise reason for me to trust him too? I never let this boy roam around the academy without my surveillance. Once he told anyone about my behavior, then I would cut his tongue. Hence, grandmother was right, they have the sweetest cakes.
He was always late to class.
One time, I heard him discussing with our classmates.
"Don't you think it's naive," one of the boys said, "for a woman to have education, too? As far as I know, they are supposed to learn feminine behaviors."
"What? don't you think Dandeline has it?"
"She's doing the things of men. It's not for girls in the first place. I prefer a woman who relies on me to protect her and give her a life. Someone who acts accordingly to what she is. Someone who will submit herself to take care of me."
"We're all going to fatherhood here, and a woman cannot be a father."
"See? If women started to have careers too, then who will be the homemaker? It is the women's role. Someone should nurture the kids at home and make home sweet while the father works. If both parents have careers, then who will watch over the kids? Servants or relatives might be the solution but the kids will always look for their parents."
"Man, I can't imagine our home without my mother there for us."
"Men do the work and women make the home. Allowing women to be educated up to the future will only diminish the importance of the home. People will only think about careers. Whereas family should be the main place of anyone's comfort."
"We can't do anything about it anymore.”
"What do you say, Shun? Have you talked with her?"
"She's avoiding me," Shun finally spoke.
"Aw~!"
"Come on, I won't force her if she's uncomfortable."
"Do you like that kind of woman?"
"It's not impossible. And guys, don't be intimidated about that future. Women can have the privilege of education too. We can't rely on gender roles forever. Coz, you see, the rest of my family are females. My father died early. If women can't have the chance to have an education, to have a career, then how shall they sustain the family needs?"
"Man, they should remarry a rich man or make the daughter marry a rich dude."
"Look, don't think it's about the gender that makes us balance, it's about how an individual balances their skills and home. Fathers aren't just workers of the family. They are obliged to love their kids and teach them, not just the mother. And if the man can't work, the woman will. Nothing is more united than a family who shares the same skills to fill the emptiness of another instead of relying upon the other family's wealth just because we have to stick with our gender roles."
I walked away and soon realized that I was smiling. Those boys have brains after all. And Shun's opinion stood out. That was the beginning of the days I sought for his presence.