Chapter Forty-Two

I woke up and Fitz was still lying with his head on me, and his hand clutching my side, his rainwater scent all around me. The night of weight on me, made me even sorer than I was the day before, but I couldn’t be bothered by that. Fitz needed this right now.

I’ve never felt more devastation than I did when he saw those pictures. His eyes held all the sadness in the world. Everything that he’d had since the day my mother left him. I wondered what it did to him, having the reason for his abandonment be the thing comforting him. It killed me, but I needed to stop comforting him. I let him kiss me, and I shouldn’t have. I never should, but I do anyway, and it’s wrong. If not for the fact that he’d done what he has, then for the fact that I shouldn’t lead him on.

“Fitz.” I nudged him gently until he made a sound. “We need to get up.”

He yawned on me, and I literally had to look away lest the cuteness swallow me whole. He moved so that we were front to front, and he smiled before he went in to kiss me.

As quick as I could, I maneuvered out from under him, and ended up on the floor. Not what I had planned, but it got the job done.

I was on my back when Fitz leaned over the edge of the bed. “How ya doin’?”

I sighed. “Fine. You?”

“I’d be better if you hadn’t decided pain was preferable to me kissing you good morning.”

I stood up, and dusted myself off. “No. We don’t do good morning kisses. We don’t do goodnight kisses. We don’t kiss at all anymore. Last night was an exception that I can’t make for you again.”

“And what about the night before that? That was an exception too?”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “I didn’t ask you to do that.”

“But you didn’t stop me. You never stop me. We both know why.”

I started walking over to my dresser. “This conversation is over.”

“No it’s not.” I heard Fitz move off of my bed. “You want to be with me, and you’re pretending not to. You made me say something last night, and now it’s your turn. Tell me that you like when I touch you. Admit it.”

I turned around, and my anger made me want to shove him. “What’s that going to do for you?”

“I’ll know. That’s what it’ll do.”

“Fine,” I growled. “Yes, I like it. I hate that I like it. And I hate that you take advantage of me like that.”

His eyebrow went up. “How am I taking advantage of you if you want it?”

“I don’t want it. I like it. That isn’t the same thing. I’m choosing to not be with you, and that’s my choice to make. Not yours. The fact that you don’t understand how what you do is taking advantage proves you haven’t come very far.”

His face contorted in hurt. “Then tell me. I told you that I’m trying, but I can’t help not knowing everything I should know.”

I rubbed my eyes. “You know that I like when we…” I trailed off. “And you also know that I don’t want you to do that kind of stuff, but you do it because you know I’ll let you. I’ve never done any of this before, and I know that I’m naïve about a lot of things in life. You know that too, and you use it to get what you want. Trying would be you not touching me, because you know that once everything is over, I’ll regret it. Trying is making sacrifices for someone else. If you want me to believe that you’re trying to be different, then stop taking advantage of how much I want you. Prove that what I want matters to you enough to not always get what you want. Figure out if you can do that. If you can know that I’d probably let you do whatever you wanted, and choose not to do it. If you want to try, then try.”

I turned back, grabbed a handful of my clothes, and went quickly to my bathroom. I locked the door, and turned the shower on before I sat on the counter.

Everything felt so strange. Being home and looking at my things, forgetting what was happening to me. Seeing Fitz in my bed, and remembering it all. I felt cruel for yelling at him after what he went through in Mom and Dad’s room. My brain was warring at with itself. One part telling me to be kind to him, because he had so much hurt in him. The other was reminding me that Fitz was capable of truly awful things, and I’d seen some of them. I’d been on the other end of them. A few nice things couldn’t get all of the red from his ledger.

The man had me in the palm of his hand, and he knew it. I felt pathetic for not being better at fighting him. I didn’t even know where to start. We were in each other’s lives, and there was nothing I could do about it. As tricky as this got, I wouldn’t make him leave. I couldn’t. He was already so broken, and if I made him leave… it would only take the little good he had and destroy it.

I got into my shower, and looked down at the bottles of half used shampoo I’d left. Everything looked the same. It made me want to stay, but I knew that wasn’t an option. Most likely, Felix was on our tail, and this was a big risk in the first place.

The clothes I picked felt like home when I put them on. An old shirt, and pants. My own socks. I folded my dress up, and took it out of the bathroom with me. I set it on the bed next to where Fitz was sitting.

When I tried moving away, he grabbed my hand to stop me. “Willow, if you want me to stop touching you,” he paused for a breath, “I will.”

“Call me crazy, but I don’t believe you.”

He sighed. “I won’t.”

“No kissing?”

“No.”

“No…other things?” My face was red, and I knew it.

He smiled. “No. My hands will remain above the waist from now on. Until you tell me to do otherwise.”

“No sharing a bed?”

His face dropped. “Please don’t do that to me, Sugar. We can share a bed without touching.”

I crossed my arms. “I’m not giving you permission to share a bed with me. Why would you even want it if we’re not touching?”

I thought he wanted to answer, but he didn’t. “Don’t make me sleep alone.”

I looked at his hands as they held mine. “You slept alone for twenty-eight years. You don’t need me.”

He held my hands tighter, and I wasn’t sure if he knew he was doing it. “I think you know I do.”

I took my hands away. “Stop. Just stop all of it.”

“Stop what?” His eyebrows pinched together. I really didn’t think he knew.

“Stop…wanting to be with me.”

“Sure. It’s easy to just shut off. Like a light.” He stood from the bed, and started walking around me. “Because I’m so cold and unfeeling that it would be nothing to forget this. Because all I want from you is sex. I’m nothing more than a monster. Right?”

I took a step back, and I was against the wall. “It doesn’t even make sense.”

He stopped. “What doesn’t?”

“That you want anything to do with me. I made the closest thing you had to a mother leave you, and I’m nothing like you. I’m boring, and I can’t even keep myself safe. You should want someone else.” Anyone else.

“It doesn’t work like that, and it’s not a light I can shut off at your whim. It’s not rational or right. It is what it is. I can’t wish it away. I’ve tried. The only thing in this world that I want is you. When I first figured it out, it made me sick. I don’t like people. I just don’t. Then you came along, and you ruined it all. You left me unwell, and the only thing that can make me better is you. Despite what you think, I don’t feel the best when I’m kissing you, or when I’m making you pant for me. I feel like I’m at my very best when I’m beside you, singing you to sleep. When I say I want you, I mean I need you.”

I had to keep telling myself it didn’t matter. He wasn’t telling the truth. He was not a good man, and if I gave in, he wouldn’t be good to me. I would be a little fool who let a crush ruin her.

I left him in my room, and went to hide. Everyone was in the living room, and Phin had something in his hands.

“Hey, Will,” he said. “So I found these magnets we made Mom and Dad for Christmas when we were kids. Dawnie said these might work.” He looked behind me. “Where’s tall, pale, and dickish?”

I sighed, and put my hand on my hip. “Not here. Can we do this?”

Dawnie stood up, and took a magnet from his hand. “One at a time. I need to cook for a while.” She closed her eyes, and stood as still as a statue. After the first minute, the rest of us sat down.

“Did you go to bed early?” Phin asked as he nibbled on what had to be a two month old Poptart.

“Yeah. I was a little tired,” I lied, and crossed my legs.

“Where’d you sleep?”

Wrong question… “My room. You?”

“Mine. Jules and I shared my bed. Dawnie got Mom and Dad’s room while Pepper and Ferris took the couches. Where did Fitz sleep?” he asked, clearly knowing. “Your bed’s kinda small.”

“It is,” I agreed.

“Yeah. So where?”

I didn’t answer.

“Oh, Will… Please tell me you didn’t share a bed with him. That’s a line I don’t want you to cross. I know when I say that I want you pure forever it’s not gonna happen, but don’t let him be the one to sully you.”

I looked at a sympathetic Ferris, Juliet, and Pepper. Ferris was the most upset for me. He was the only one who knew I had an inkling of care for the man.

“Don’t worry,” I told him. “My virtue is still intact.”

“Good.”

“GOT IT!” Dawnie jumped up, and down as she screamed. Fitz entered the room, and stood at the wall, conspicuously not looking at me. “Your mother is up.”

“Up?” Phin sighed. “What does that mean?”

Dawnie sharply turned, and pointed at him. “Up. Like… up! North. She is north. I feel the distance, and it’s around fifteen hundred miles. A day in a car and several on foot.”

Ferris cocked his head. “Why would we ever go on foot?”

She jutted her bottom lip out, and shrugged. “Perhaps you like walking.”

Juliet typed on her phone, and then she stopped to look up. “She’s in Washington. Right around where we were. We must have just missed her.”

My heart sank. I was in the same city as my mom, and I couldn’t find her. How worthless did that make me?

“I told her where you were. So she must have found your father first.” Dawnie grabbed the other magnet. “Let me see if they’re together.” She closed her eyes again as she focused.

Several minutes later she yelled, “I’VE GOT A HIT! He’s with her right now. I can feel it.”

“Then we should leave,” I said. “Let’s get packed up and go. Dawnie, if you need clothes, you can try my mom’s. They might fit you.”

I left to go to my bedroom. Since I didn’t think I would be back to the house in my life, I decided I needed to take some things. I didn’t own much, but I had a few important things. Little trinkets I’d gotten over the years. The hot pink duckling plush Juliet got me for my nineteenth birthday. Some of my old clothes. Books.

Fitz stood in my doorway as I packed my things up. He didn’t speak to me, and I didn’t speak to him.

The last thing I grabbed was a bag of Skittles I had stashed away for a special occasion. It was at the bottom of my sock drawer, and it was all that was left from when Phin got me a basket for my birthday.

I sat on my bed, staring at the only picture I had of me and Phin. And I felt every horrible thing I was doing to him because of what I was. I ripped open the top of my bag of candy and ate a handful.

The bed dipped when Fitz sat down next to me. “What’s wrong?”

I offered him some candy, and he held his hand out so I could pour some in. He ate them one by one while I shoved mouthfuls in to drown out the pain.

“I think I ruined my brother’s life,” I confessed. “He’s supposed to be starting college. Instead he’s running for his life before he’s meant to fight for it. He was supposed to get to be happy.”

He shrugged. “Who says he’s not happy?”

“What? Of course he’s not happy.”

“You have no reason to think that. He’s on a different path, sure, but he has his family. Just as soon as he stops being a stubborn moron, he’ll have his girlfriend, and he can go back to getting sex on the regular. That makes a teenage boy happy.”

“Ugh,” I groaned.

He popped a red Skittle in his mouth. “It’s true. He’s also about to get his parents back. He has a couple new friends. School is boring. Truthfully I think that he prefers this life to that one. At least you’re both actually living now.” His eyes drifted back to my barred window.

I sighed and changed the subject. “Are you taking that box with you?”

He stared at his feet. “I guess I am. I can destroy it later.” He stood up. “We need to get going.” He zipped up my bag, and took it to the car for me. Everything was organized in the trunk so that it all fit. Dawnie had a change of clothes, but she still didn’t want shoes.

Fitz drove for about twelve hours— allotting breaks for lunch and dinner —before stopping for the night. We got three rooms, and we were deciding how to divide them up.

“Are you gonna pull the same stuff you did before?” I asked Juliet. “If so, then I’m getting Ferris his own room.”

She pouted. “No. He can share with Phin.”

“Good.” I gave them the keycards, and Fitz followed me up to our room.

I grabbed my pajamas that I got from home, and changed into them. Flannel pants and a big shirt. I crawled into bed at the same time as Fitz got into his.

“Can you promise me I won’t wake up with you in my bed tomorrow morning?” I asked as I pulled my blankets up.

He stared at the ceiling when he spoke. “Honestly, I don’t know.”

***

When I woke up, my hand stretched across the bed… and didn’t feel a thing. Just blanket. No Fitz. I opened my eyes, and the other half of the bed was made up.

I sat up, and looked to the other bed. He was on his side, still asleep. I guess he was there all night. I won. So why do I feel so bad about it?

I got up before he could wake, and I scurried to the shower. I made it quick, and changed into a dark green dress that made me look like the Ghost of Christmas Present, but I wore it anyway. I got my boots on, and Fitz slept through all of it.

I didn’t want to wake him, because I didn’t want to talk to him. So I left the room. The first place I went was the girls’ room. Dawnie let me in, and it was full of the rest of our group.

“Morning,” Phin said. “I see you dropped some baggage.”

I laughed. “He’s sleeping, but yeah.” I sat next to him on the edge of the bed. “He’ll be up soon and we can go.”

“We could leave him here.”

I rolled my eyes. “He can track me, Phin. Not an option to ditch him.”

“Dammit.”

Dawnie tugged at a shirt that was too short for her. It showed a sliver of her stomach, and she clearly didn’t like it.

“We can get you new clothes,” I offered. “You should be comfortable.”

She looked up at me, and smoothed her shirt as her nose twitched. “I’m sorry. I should have gotten bigger clothes.”

I stood from the bed, and the girls stood with me. Juliet said, “We can take you. We’ll only be gone a half-hour if we hurry.”

The boys stayed behind while we left. We weren’t too far from a strip mall, so we went on foot. Dawnie told us more stories about her alligator, and the time he bit a mailman’s foot on the way. The mailman didn’t think it was as funny as she did.

“What store first?” Juliet stopped in front of a few, and stared up at the signs. We were a little close to the swanky parts of California, so most of the stores were the disgusting fancy ones that made me a little sick just looking at them. Juliet however…

“This one!” she answered her own question, and ran into a store. We were forced to follow her, and even Dawnie looked board. Juliet ran around looking at clothes for herself. It only took Dawnie thirty seconds to decide that she didn’t want anything here. We let Juliet play for a few minutes before Pepper dragged her out.

We kept walking until Dawnie stopped us. She stood in front of a window with a mannequin dressed in all yellow. “I like that one.” She pointed. “I want it.”

Pepper tried to open the door to the shop, and it stuck. She peered inside and said, “The lights are all off. I think they’re closed. We need to try somewhere else.”

Dawnie looked confused. She pointed at the window. “But I like what they have in there.”

I tried to comfort her. “We might be able to find something like it in a different store.”

She didn’t understand. “But this is here. Now.”

“And the store is closed,” Juliet said without bothering to hide her irritation.

“Hmm…” Dawnie pondered her situation as she walked closer to the building. She locked her eyes on a trashcan, and picked it up.

“What are you—” I said before I was cut off with the sound of glass shattering around us, and an alarm blaring loudly enough to hurt.

“Now it’s open!” Dawnie smiled. “We can leave money on the counter.” She walked through the window, and grabbed the clothes while the rest of us stared at each other.

“DAWNIE!” I screamed. “You can’t do that!”

“Why?” she said with pure innocence.

Another kind of alarm started screaming. A siren.

“We have to go!” I went to get Dawnie out of the window, but she was still messing with the clothes.

“In a minute,” she said.

“Now! We’re going to get arrested if you don’t stop.”

We couldn’t just leave her, but the sirens were getting closer and closer and… here.

Two officers stepped out of the car, and we were all kinds of fucked. They cornered us, and we all put our hands up but Dawnie.

“So,” the male officer smiled. “What do we have here?”

Dawnie hopped out of the window, and onto the glass covered ground. “Shopping. I was gonna buy that.” She pointed back.

He said. “Buying doesn’t normally involve breaking windows, and taking things without paying.”

“We were gonna pay.”

“Sure you were.” The man and his partner cuffed us all while Dawnie tried to figure out what was happening. Then we were shoved into the back of the cop car, and all I could think was, How did this become my life?