Chapter Forty-One

Fitz was still sleeping on my stomach when I woke up in the morning. After my upsetting little realization last night, I knew why I didn’t mind it. I said I thought I liked him. But I knew I did. It didn’t make it right. So I guess it made things a little easier knowing why I was feeling all of this.

The next part was going to be hard. Trying to have him in my life, but keep him at arms’ length. I couldn’t cross the line. Not if I wanted to stay who I was.

Fitz moved around on me before he woke up. He rolled onto his stomach, but stayed on my lower half to look up at me. He smiled at me before he kissed my stomach. “Good morning, Sugar.”

“Good morning.”

“Are you feeling better?”

The answer was no. I had the dream again. As bloody and violent as ever. I didn’t want to tell him that. “A little.”

I had blood on my hands. He could tell me a hundred times that I was justified, or that he deserved worse, but it didn’t matter. I took a life. I stopped a heartbeat.

“Thank you for trying to help me last night.” I touched his face the same way I did the night before. He was a little scruffy at the moment, but it didn’t take anything away from how soft his face was. “You were very sweet to me.”

He smiled, and kissed me again, but lower than my stomach. My body warmed, and he moved his body higher up so that we were face to face. The pressure was hurting my stomach, and I didn’t know why. His weight never did that before.

“Glad I could help you out.” He kissed the bottom of my throat, and slowly started moving down. I remembered telling him how I felt, but I knew that I made it clear nothing changed. I hoped he understood that, because I didn’t know if I could be cruel enough to remind him right now. Not after he took care of me again.

His hand started at the back of my thigh as it moved up, and I tried to figure out a kind way to tell him that I still didn’t want to be his mate. As his hand glided up my body, and pressed against my side, I winced.

He almost jumped off of me. His eyes were wide with panic as he said, “Did I hurt you? What happened?”

I sat up, and winced again as my hand moved to my side. “I don’t know. It just hurt.”

His eyes moved down, and narrowed. I looked to see what was making him angry, and I caught sight of my thighs. The tops were covered in black and blue splotches that matched ones on my arms. I could only imagine where else they were. I was thrown around a lot the night before.

I stood from the bed, and felt the soreness in my body. Fitz held his hands out to steady me, but I told him I was fine as I walked to the bathroom. There was a full length mirror on the back of the door, and I unbuttoned my shirt to see the extent of my damage. I held the shirt in my hands, and gasped at what I saw.

My torso was the same shade as my legs and arms. I didn’t realize how badly I was hit until now. Every move I made hurt me like I’d spent the previous day, well, being thrown around.

Fitz knocked on the door. “Can I come in?”

“No. I’m not dressed.”

“So what? I’ve seen you in less. Not to mention all of the stuff I’ve done to you. I feel like we’re past modesty, Sugar.”

He had a point, but it didn’t make me any more comfortable with the idea. It added a dangerous intimacy to our relationship.

I took the shirt, and covered the top half of my torso before I let him in. He looked angry as he took in every single bruise on my body. He didn’t speak as he traced their edges.

“We need to train you more. This shouldn’t have happened. This is my fault.” He dropped his arm and sighed.

“I only trained for a day. The only reason this isn’t worse is because of you.”

It hardly comforted him. “I’m never letting this happen again. I wouldn’t have slept near you if I knew you were in pain.” He touched my stomach, where his head had rested.

“I know, but you couldn’t have anticipated this. I would have asked you to move if I was in pain.”

He nodded.

“I need to get dressed.”

He nodded again, and forced himself out of the room. I showered with warm water, and tried to not let it hit the bruises too much. Every touch was miserable. I made it a quick shower.

I threw Fitz’s shirt back on to go get new clothes. I picked out a dark blue dress with half sleeves. It would cover some of the bruises on my arms and all of them on my legs.

I walked back out of the bathroom, and found Fitz packing our things up. He had cleaned my knife for me, and he was tucking it away in his bag. “We need to move again,” he told me. “With what happened last night, it’s going to attract attention from Felix.”

“Where do we go? We didn’t figure out where the demons are held when they’re not being auctioned,” I said as bile rose at the thought. “Or if the ones that got out are safe.”

“We have to assume they’re capable of getting themselves home. They aren’t children.”

“But what if they get captured again?”

He walked over to me, and took my hands. “I’m sorry, but that isn’t our problem. We can’t keep every stray we find. Including Dawnie.”

My forehead crinkled. “What are you talking about? We said she was going home.”

He smiled. “I know you. You keep everyone that comes into your life. You can’t help it.”

“I don’t do that.”

He eyed me.

“Oh whatever!” I yanked my hands away, and crossed my arms. I regretted it instantly since it just caused more pain.

He laughed, and went back to packing. We loaded up his car, and went to Phin’s room. When we knocked, he wasn’t the one to answer. It was Juliet.

“Hey,” she said as she let us in. Phin was on the bed, but everyone else was gone.

“What the hell?” I said. “I thought you were sleeping with the girls, and the boys were together.”

She bit her lip. “Well… Pepper sleeps half on me, and I decided that I needed to not be in that bed anymore. Dawnie was sleeping, and I didn’t want to wake her to switch. She was mumbling about her pet alligator, and kept growling in her sleep. So I went to Phin’s room.”

“Okay,” I stretched out the word. “That doesn’t explain where Ferris is. Did you sleep in a bed with Phin?” She had to if Ferris was there. Phin wouldn’t let them share.

“Um… Ferris didn’t sleep in here.” Juliet looked away, and ran her hand through her very messy hair. She looked jumpy and disheveled, and her eyes were fading with silver…

“Oh my god!” I shouted. “You guys did it, didn’t you!” I pointed to her and my brother. “What the hell? Did you kick Ferris out so you could have sex?” I almost threw up in my mouth, and Fitz patted my shoulder.

Juliet bit her lip again to keep from smiling, and Phin got off of the bed. “We’re not talking about this. You’re my sister and it’s fucked up.”

“WHO ARE YOU TELLING! I’m not the one screwing my ex, and kicking Ferris out to do it.”

“That’s not what happened,” Phin said aggressively enough to get Fitz to step in front of me.

“Why don’t you calm down before I kick you hard enough to make sure you and Juliet won’t be having sex again any time soon,” Fitz threatened.

I groaned at the same time Phin did.

“So,” I said. “Are you guys back together now?”

“No,” Phin said, and Juliet looked to the floor. “It was a one-time thing. It didn’t mean anything. She was just feeding and it got out of hand.”

Fitz laughed and looked at me. “Did it now?”

“Yeah,” Juliet said with narrowed eyes. “Happens. You should know. You’re an expert in sex that doesn’t mean anything. I’m sure you will be ‘til the day you die.” The last comment was a warning to me. If I let him get what he wanted, it wouldn’t matter to him. I was a prize he was working hard for.

“Where is Ferris?” Fitz changed the subject with no subtly at all.

“He slept with the girls.” Juliet put her hand on the back of her neck, and stared at everything that wasn’t a person. It was painful to see her so embarrassed, but because of her, I was feeling it too. I felt stupid for letting Fitz touch me the night before.

“You made him sleep with the girls?” I growled. “So either he slept with an insane woman, or he slept with a girl whose hormones just kicked in.”

“Pretty much.”

I smacked her arm, and she yelled as she checked it. I didn’t care if I hurt her. “That girl is gonna get pregnant because of you.”

She eyed me up and down. “Maybe you should focus more on your sex life and less on other people’s.”

“She doesn’t have a sex life,” Phin cut in. “She isn’t allowed to. Ever.” He looked at me. “Ever.”

“She’s not your baby sister, dumbass.” Fitz stared down at him. “She’s allowed to fuck someone if she wants to.”

Phin cringed. “No she is not! Hear me, Will? No sex for you.”

I threw my hands in the air. “I’m not the one who just got laid. Maybe you should let up on me.”

“Never.” He pointed at me. “It’s my job as your brother to insure that you go to the grave with your virtue.”

Juliet snickered, and spoke under her breath, “Too late.”

“What was that?” Phin turned to her.

“Nothing.” She smiled, and I almost hit her again. To avoid it, I went to Pepper’s room, and knocked on the door. Fitz followed behind me, but he didn’t say anything. That might have been for the best.

Pepper let us in, and we saw the sleeping arrangement. Dawnie was sitting on her bed talking to Twix, and Ferris was on the bed he slept in. There was a tall line of pillows that divided the bed. It didn’t take a genius to know who did that.

Ferris stood up. “Good news. Dawnie said she could track your parents. She just needs something that belonged to them to do it.”

“How does that help?” I asked.

Dawnie said. “Everyone has a light. I see them always, and they have different colors, and different levels of luminosity. Like you and your mate.”

“I don’t have a mate.”

She tilted her head, and innocent confusion crossed her face. “But I see it. Your lights are connected. They’re even the same color. That only happens with mates or twins. And you are not twins.”

Fitz leaned forward with the most pleased look. “We’re Blood Linked. That might be why.”

“Okay,” Dawnie nodded. “We can go with that. The light is who you are. It’s a reflection of your soul. When your soul is connected to another, they blend into one light.”

“And you can find my parents with this light?”

She placed Twix on her pillow, and started walking on her tiptoes. “I can. I found you and your father before, but I had objects to focus me. Without it?” She shrugged. “I can’t do it. Too many lights.”

I started pacing. “What do we do?”

Fitz spoke tentatively. “We have one option, Sugar, but I don’t think you’ll like it.”

I swallowed as my feet stopped moving. “What might that be?”

“Willow, we need to take you home.”

My stomach dropped, and a feeling of cold spread through me. “Home?” My prison cell. Where I lived my entire life without actually living for a single day. It was the place where I thought my parents died. I had nothing good to think about in that house, but I guess that didn’t matter much.

“Home,” Fitz nodded. “It’s not a choice, and I’m sorry about that.” He looked to Ferris. “Can you get the girls packed while I go and tell the others?”

“Sure.” Ferris started packing up his bag, and Pepper did the same.

“I’ll be back for you.” Fitz leaned down to kiss my forehead before he left.

“Wow,” Dawnie smiled. “Your mate is very attractive. Good for you. Though I imagine he crushes you when he’s on top. Do you have to be on top for sex?”

Ferris laughed, and I covered my face with my hands. “We don’t have sex.”

“Huh. But why?”

“We’re not together.”

She couldn’t wrap her head around it. “You have the Link, and your souls are one. I don’t understand.”

I tilted my head up to the ceiling. “The Link was something he tricked me into. We are not mated, and we never will be. Let’s move on.”

“But…” she said when I looked at her again. “He’s just so pretty. Mind if I take a crack at him?”

“Yes,” I growled in a voice that wasn’t mine.

She smiled. “Ha! He is your mate. You’re cute.”

I decided it was time to stop talking since it was only getting me in trouble. Ferris offered to stop off to get Dawnie shoes and some new clothes, but she said she didn’t like shoes. She was pretty tall, but she fit into some of Juliet’s clothes, so she made do.

When we all met up at the car, Fitz stopped me as everyone else got in. He held me by the shoulders, and told me that everything would be fine. I wished I thought that too.

***

We got there around dinnertime. We had stopped off to eat at my request. I wanted to buy a little more time before we got home. I didn’t know what was waiting for us there. We left a bloody mess, and an abandoned home. There could be police after us for all I knew.

The house looked the same, and that caused a stabbing pain in my chest as I stared at it. Our tiny house stood alone on a plot of land. I never thought anything of it, how alone we were. It was all for a reason, I knew now.

Phin put his arm around my shoulders. “I know, sis. Just breathe deep, and put one foot in front of the other.”

I looked up at him. “How are we supposed to do this?”

“We aren’t alone.” He looked around at our friends, and he took my hand, leading me to the door.

It was unlocked, and I wondered if anyone had been in it since we left. Then we stepped inside. Everything looked the same as I’d always known it. The couches, TV, and carpet. The mess. I looked to the kitchen, and saw the long dried bloodstains. I guess it went untouched.

My breathing felt labored, and I got dizzy. Fitz caught me, and held me at his side. “Steady now.”

I left him when my body took over. I went back to my little cell, and didn’t know why I wanted to see it so badly. I just did. I think I wanted to remember what it felt like to not be scared for my life. The door was closed, and I stopped with my hand on the knob. I pressed my forehead against the door, and tried to not feel sick over how this whole place smelled exactly like it did before. Everything was different, so why was my house the same?

I felt Fitz beside me as he rubbed my back. “Do you want to do this alone?”

I shook my head. I gathered all the nerve I had in my body, and turned the knob, swinging the door open. My breath caught when I saw how untouched it was. I stepped in with Fitz right behind me. He closed the door.

My room was pretty tiny, but it held all of the things I loved. My little bookshelf, trinkets, and pictures that Phin drew me when he was little. I went to sit on my bed, and I stared at the floor.

The mattress shifted when Fitz sat beside me. “A twin. Really? How are you supposed to have any fun?”

I laughed despite the mood. “I wasn’t supposed to have fun.”

His head turned to my bar covered window. “I can tell.”

“SWEET BABY JESUS! MY IPOD IS HERE! Oh I’ve missed you!” I heard my brother scream from his room.

“I guess he’s doing better than I am.” I looked back at my feet, and Fitz put his arm around my waist, and his head on mine.

“Would you feel better if we fooled around in your childhood bed a little?”

I snorted. “I don’t think so.”

“Come on. Don’t pretend you never wanted to. Late nights, all alone.” His hand slid up my knee, and stayed on my thigh under my dress while he whispered in my ear. “I’m sure you thought about it.”

“I didn’t. Kind of hard to want something when I didn’t even know what I wanted. It’s not like I got to go to school and meet people. A guy I liked. I never even had a crush before.”

“Zero to sixty for you then, huh?” His hand glided further under my dress, and he started kissing me right under the corner of my jaw.

“Not happening.” I grabbed his hand, and moved it off of me. “We can’t do this.”

He sighed, and moved back with a frown. “As you wish, Sugar. Should you want to live out any of your teenage fantasies, know I’m available to be used however you want to use me.”

I rolled my eyes. “I’m sure.”

He looked back at the bed, and patted it. “Though this bed is very small. If we’re going to share it, one of us will most certainly need to be on top of the other.”

I stared sharply at him. “You can just sleep on the floor.”

He shook his head. “Not happening.”

“Clearly I’d need to be the one on top or you might kill me.”

He smiled. “I’ve been on top of you before, and I never hurt you. Plus, I prefer being on top.”

I got the feeling we weren’t talking about sleep anymore, but I was curious. “Are you saying that theoretically, if we did end up having sex, you wouldn’t let me be on top? Maybe I wanna be on top.”

His smile grew into something a little too cocky. “I like being the one to do the work. I don’t want to feel like I’m not doing anything.”

“So the answer is yes?”

He shrugged. “I like giving better than I like getting, but if you wanna—”

“No,” I said with attitude. “I don’t want to try. Just nice to know how you feel about giving up control even for a little while.” It fit his personality so well. I should have known he would be that kind of person in bed. Not that it would concern me.

I stood up, and started walking out of the room. Fitz grabbed me, and pulled me onto his lap, facing him. I crossed my arms instead of putting them around his neck like I might have done under different circumstances.

“I’m not going to apologize for my sexual preferences,” he said firmly.

“I didn’t ask you to.”

“But,” he said softer. “I don’t want you thinking that if we ever did happen, that I wouldn’t be different for you. We both know what happens to me below the belt when you’re on my lap.”

“When I’m feeding. That doesn’t count.”

He smiled, and I felt his thumbs move back and forth on my hips. “It’s not about the feeding. It’s you. It’s always you.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“I know you don’t. But you will. One day you’re going to understand everything you do to me, and that you’re the one with all the power and control. You can make me do anything.”

I breathed out. “You keep proving that we wouldn’t work together. Do you think I want power? I don’t. I want someone that I’m equal with. I don’t want to control someone. I want something that you don’t want to be.”

He uncrossed my arms, and held one of my hands between his. “Willow, if I could be someone else for you, someone softer, kinder, gentle and nurturing. The hero. Someone that deserves you… I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t change a thing. I am not a good man, but I’m a man that can keep you alive. You’re safe with me and you always will be.”

“Do you think I want any of that? Do you think I need a knight in shining armor? I spent my whole life having people trying to take care of me instead of showing me how to take care of myself. I don’t want a hero. I want someone who can help me be my own hero. I want to be able to stand on my own, no matter how many friends I’m surrounded by.”

“I’m here to be whatever you want me to be for you. I’m trying, Willow. I really am. Don’t you see any of it?” His desperate eyes were searching mine for what he needed to see.

I put my free hand on the side of his face, and my thumb moved along his cheekbone.

I saw it. How could I not? But I had an overwhelming fear that this wouldn’t last. It never did. The old Fitz was right around the corner waiting to set fire to the progress he was making. It hasn’t been that long. Anybody could be good for a few days.

“I do,” I said quietly. “I see you trying, but there’s so much damage.”

“I know there is. Please, just give me a chance to fix this. I need you. All I am is what you turned me into. If you weren’t around… I don’t think I would be anything at all.”

I touched my forehead against his, and he closed his eyes. I leaned closer to him as I got ready to put my lips over his. I wanted to comfort him, and it was the only way I knew how. My lips barely grazed his when I was called.

“WILL!” Phin yelled. “We need you!”

Without a word, Fitz picked me up, and set me on my feet. I walked out the door, and he followed. We all met up in the living room, and Fitz stood away from me so he could lean against the wall.

“So,” Dawnie said. “If I’m gonna track your parents, I’ll need something of theirs that has a lot of value for them. It’ll make the light brighter.”

“Okay,” Phin nodded. “I’m sure we can get some stuff for you. Will, you take Mom and Dad’s room, and I’ll look anywhere but there.”