Cameron The thing I liked about snow was that it kept people stuck in their homes. But today was Christmas Eve. Fuck me. I slammed on the brakes of the loader, hoping to hell I didn't just kill the pedestrians that jaywalked on the street. They sneaked up behind me just as I was clearing the snow and trying not to hit the Stop sign on the street with a couple thousand pounds of steel bucket. I let out a sharp breath when I spotted them running away, carrying bags of takeout with them. Shit. Go home, will you? I stretched my arms up, groaning as the muscles on my neck and back stiffened. I'd been at it for nine hours. One more hour to go then I'd get to see Kara. The sight of those pedestrians carrying takeout food reminded me that I should at least bring something. I parked the loader, grabbed my phone and sent a text to her. Should I bring anything? Spitfire: Your sexy ass would be nice I chuckled. I missed her. Does your dad drink beer? Spitfire: His blood pressure is pretty high so no beer Spitfire: No need to bring anything, Bigfoot. Just you. You're almost done, right? Yeah I texted Dylan. Dylan: ohemgee please bring some real food! Anything! Anything would be like a gift from God. Kara made dinner. Nuff said, amirite? Maybe a gigantic bucket of chicken with all the fixings if you really want a suggestion. But I mean you don't have to! You got it Dylan: Thanks for the gift! I already opened it. Ohman it's lit! I highkey love the gaming keyboard. So stoked! Dylan: Thanks Cameron! Dylan: Just wait till we start opening presents! Dad got you some. Dylan: Do you know what time you can make it? In a couple of hours. Dylan: It's all Gucci What did that even mean? I unwrapped the lollipop wrapper, stashed the plastic in my pocket. The sweetness burst in my mouth as I bit into the candy, tried not to smile with all the texts I just read. I had no idea what had gotten into me when I bought all her Christmas presents. At first, I was only getting her one, unsure how she'd feel about it. My woman couldn't live without her coffee so it made sense to get her a coffeemaker for her new place. But then the salesman told me it would make her happy if I bought coffee beans with it. It made sense. They were the best quality in the province he said. He asked what it was for and I said for her new place. It got out of hand after that. All the things he suggested made sense, so I got those as well. And then he asked if I was going to a Christmas dinner with my girlfriend's family. So why not buy something for them too? I couldn't argue with that so I bought something for Dylan and Mike too. And since I was on a roll, I got one for Rick. And Caleb. Shit. How was I even supposed to give it to Rick and Caleb anyway? It would be embarrassing. For all of us. I'd just keep these gifts in storage until the end of fucking time and not tell a soul about it. End of story. When my phone rang, I answered without looking. "Yeah?" "Can I please speak with Mr. Cameron Saint Laurent?" "Speaking." "This is Esther Falls Hospital." My heart started to pound. "What is it?" "Are you Mr. Zacharias Saint Laurent's son?" "Yes." "Your dad is in the hospital right now. We need you to come." My mouth turned dry. "What happened?" "We'd like for you to come please." She gave me directions and said something else, but I forgot what about. My ears were ringing. The white snow in front of me looked blurry. I wondered if I was losing my damn eyesight. "Mr. Saint Laurent?" "I'll be there." * Alcohol and pills. The combination nearly killed my father. They had pumped his stomach and said he was going to live. They thought he tried to commit suicide. The nurse didn't say it outright, but the careful way she worded things and the grave tone of her voice implied it. She couldn't stop looking down, and I wondered what the hell she was looking at. When I glanced down to where she was looking, I saw the bandage around my wrist. And knew what she was thinking. I heard the nurses at the station mutter things when I walked away. "Maybe it runs in the family. Depression is serious. They need to get help." "Both father and son are gorgeous. It's too bad what happened, isn't it? Suicidal..." "Did you talk to him about the programs he could—" "Guys, hold on. We don't know what's going on here—" I didn't try to clear it up. Let them think what they wanted. They should at least hold off until I was out of earshot to start talking. Did they think I was deaf? Who gives a fuck? My hands trembled as I walked in the hallway. It was too bright in here, the walls a pale yellow, and it smelled of fresh urine and antiseptic. In the hallway were chairs, bulky equipment, computers, a small cart full of towels and hospital gowns. The beep of machines. And then my father in a hospital bed as I stepped in the room. He looked different. Somehow less domineering, more human. Without the façade of his thousand-dollar suit and tie, his sleek hair, he looked...normal. Except for the gray pallor of his skin. There were lines and machines attached to him that I couldn't tell where they started and ended. I felt numb. It was as though I was in a dream. I wasn't participating but watching it all happen in front of me. I wasn't here, not really. But my hands shook as I reached for a chair, positioned it a few feet from his bed. I didn't want to get close, didn't want to see. My knees trembled as I sat down. I leaned forward, propping my elbows on my knees, raking my hands in my hair and let them stay there. I let out a slow, silent breath. I had no idea how long I stayed like that. "Cameron." I looked up. "Is that you, son?" He sounded like his voice had been through a grater. I didn't say anything. My throat had closed up. He fell asleep again. The next time he woke up it was a few hours later. I had been in the same position since I got here. Unable to move, unable to think. "Cameron?" "Is this why you asked me to meet you?" I asked quietly. I could hear the coldness and emptiness in my voice, so much different from what I was feeling inside now. "You were going to say goodbye, then fucking kill yourself?" I saw him try to sit up, struggle. I stayed where I was. "Why not just do it without bothering me?" He gave out a small laugh, then started coughing. "You sound like Raven there for a little moment." "I'm nothing like her." "I...I wouldn't know. And that's my fault." I wanted to get the fuck out of this place. Who is this man that sounded so different, looked so unfamiliar? "I must have ruined your evening. You cancelled our dinner tonight and I thought you must have other plans." He managed to prop himself up. "I was going to tell you to wear a tie. For the dinner." "I hate ties." "I remember," he said. He tried to smile and then winced. "From when you were a kid. You hated it." There was an ache in my chest that I wanted gone. It climbed up in my throat, threatening to suffocate me. "What am I doing here?" "I don't blame you for not giving a damn about me, Cameron." "If I didn't, I wouldn't be here." I fisted my hands. He looked at me with so much need in his eyes it made me feel... I didn't know what the fuck it made me feel. I looked away. "I..." He took a careful, slow breath, looking ready to pass out. "Should I call the nurse?" "No. I'm fine. Listen," he said. Sweat popped out on his brow and I worried he would lose consciousness. I took a step toward the door, ready to call the nurse when he said, "I was wrong, Cam. I thought my company was my legacy. But you are. I didn't have anything to do with you when I should have. She took you away from me." Why was he telling me this? "I never wanted kids, but when you were born, it was as though nothing mattered anymore but this little boy in my arms. So small, so vulnerable, and he needed me. I felt like I had a weakness when I never had before. And it was you." I wanted to get up. I forced my legs to get the hell up and leave this room, but it was like being stuck in quicksand. I was drowning, I was helpless, and no one was around to throw me a damn line. "But then she knew. Raven hated me. She used you to get to me. So I punished you to get to her. It was the biggest regret in my life, shutting you out. Can you forgive me, son?" I didn't say a thing. Not a goddamn thing. "I fucked up, Cam. I fucked up so bad." He swiped a hand over his face. "The company that I've built. I'm going to lose all of it. All my life's work in the shitter. God knows I probably don't even have the money to pay the lawyers." Suddenly everything made sense. Why he'd asked to meet me for dinner, why I was here. "Do you need money? My trust fund?" He laughed bitterly. "I'm not going to touch your trust fund." "You can have it. All of it. I had never touched a single dime of it. Is this why you asked for me?" "No... That's not the reason, Cameron." "Right." It was like acid had been poured down my throat, trickled down my chest. It burned. In all the years, the rare times he'd called me, he'd always needed something. Something that he could take away from me and benefit him. There was no reason to believe otherwise. I should laugh. Laugh at the pathetic little child inside me that hoped for something different, something more. "Like I said, you can have it." This time I got up. "Goodnight to you." "Cam, wait. Please, son." But I didn't. I kept going. Kept going to the only thing that still made me want to keep going. Kara.