I turned the bedside lamp off and was about to leave when she reached out to me. Like a little kid, she grabbed my thumb with her hand, wrapping her fingers around it, pulling gently. "Cam." "Yeah?" "Thank you." I shut my eyes closed, wanting to be the one to comfort her, wishing she'd let me. But I knew she probably wanted to be alone. "Whatever you need." "Cam?" "Hm?" "Can you stay?" Desperately. "Yeah." I climbed in beside her, pulling her in my arms. She turned toward me, curled her arms around my back. The feel of her, the scent of her, the shape of her felt like my whole world. "I'm sorry," she murmured against my neck. "For what I said to you at the parking lot." I stroked her back, up and down, up and down, until I felt her muscles loosen. "Already forgotten." "I don't know why you're still here with me." I could hear the shame in her voice. "Stop beating yourself up for what you said. Stop it, Kara." My voice turned harder than I meant to. But damn she had to stop this bullshit. "I mean it. What you said at the parking lot didn't even nick me. It would take more than that to get rid of me." Self-hatred was an intimate, familiar companion to me. I'd attached it to my shoulder, gave it permission to destroy. I didn't want that for her. Never for her. "You want to know why I'm still here?" I waited until she lifted her eyes to mine. "Because I'm crazy about you. Absolutely fucking crazy about you." It was the truth. Nothing she could do or say could turn me away. Not anymore. In response, she pressed her face to my chest, her fingers tightening on my shirt. She fell silent for a while and I would've thought she had fallen asleep if not for the stiffness of her shoulders. "It's hard for me to let someone take care of me. I'm so used to..." she trailed off. I waited. "I'm so used to giving, Cam, I don't know how to receive," she finished. I stayed still, wanting her to go on. The intimate parts of her life she willingly shared was more valuable than gold to me. They were her memories that were mine to keep. "I don't know how to receive without giving something in return," she clarified. "Why?" I asked. It seemed that she was preparing herself before she answered. And when she did, she sounded exhausted. As though she had been fighting a war for a long time. As though she wanted to go home but couldn't. Wouldn't. "Because it feels fucking great not to owe anyone anything. That I could say to myself that I had paid back my debts. Every one of them. I don't need to take anyone's help if I don't want to." "You can always refuse it." "No," she replied. "You can't always refuse. Not when you're a single parent and your kids are hungry. No one's there to share your suffering, to lighten the load. Not when you can't even afford to buy yourself a new winter jacket, so you patch it until it looks like a damned pity and you wear socks with holes. Not when you can't pay the electricity bill. Or buy medicine for yourself when you're sick because what if your kids get sick? My dad did all that, swallowed his pride and accepted their help and some their scorn along with it, their self-righteous bullshit. She was there." Her voice snarled, turned bitter. "My mother. She was in my house with my dad and Dylan." That was the reason why she was so hurt, reacted the way she did. Not just because of Tala leaving, but of the mother who had left her when she was too young to understand. If her mother was even close to what mine was, I wouldn't want her to come back there. Today had been a shit show, and I was glad Kara was with me now. "They looked at me like..." her voice hitched. "Like they don't need me anymore. If my family doesn't need me, then who does?" I do. God help you, because I do. "What good am I now, Cam? I've been taking care of them since I can remember. We've always been together. And now she's returned, and I'm supposed to step back and get over it? They're my family. I don't know who the hell she thinks she is coming to my home, disrupting everything when she had left it a long time ago. She wasn't in our lives for the majority of it. She's going to hurt them again. I know it. I won't let her. There has to be a rule, a punishment from the fucking universe for how wrong this is. Am I supposed to be happy, welcome her like I've always been waiting for her to come back? I stopped waiting for her. A long fucking time ago. I don't want to wait for anyone, don't want to need anyone. I'd fight it so damn hard I hurt from it." There were tears in her voice and fury, but no tears slipped out of her eyes. I could see her as a child, strong and courageous and stubborn, helping her dad, suffering because she couldn't do more. "I believe I'm a strong person. I have to believe it," she said with conviction. "If I feel weak, I bullshit myself that I'm strong until it works. And I'm terrified that I'm not. I'm fucking terrified. If I'm not strong, then I don't know who I am. And it's a terrible feeling not to know who you are." "I know who you are," I said. Her eyes turned to me, scared, hopeful. I stroked her cheek, rubbing my thumb on her bottom lip. "If it gets too heavy for you, let me carry it for a while. I won't expect anything back. I will give to you freely. Anything you ask of me." "Cameron." The way she said my name ripped something inside me. "I can't break now. I'm scared I'll get used to it. I'm scared I'll start looking for you. I'm scared I'll start needing you. And that will break me." I sucked in a breath. I understood her more than she could know. I was afraid of her, this woman who could twist my gut like no one could. I fought it, fooled myself that I could forget her. It's too late for that, isn't it? "Do you know where I was going when I stormed out of my house after seeing my mother?" "Where?" "To you," she answered quietly. "I was coming to you." It's too late. She already got me. From beginning to goddamned end. "I didn't know if you were home, if you were still on campus, but I just...I just...needed you. I'm done for." I pulled her closer, rested my chin on top of her head. She buried her face against my chest, wrapping her arms tightly around me. "That's okay," I said. "I'm right there with you." She made a small sound at the back of her throat. "Sleep, Kara." And when I felt her relax, her breath evening, I laid a soft kiss on her hair. "If it gets too much," I whispered softly. "We'll get into my truck and I'll drive us to the end of the world. Fuck everything else. If that's what you want to do, just say it. And we're gone." I thought she was asleep, but I felt her tighten her arms around me. I froze. Waited. Maybe she was sleeping because she didn't say anything. I closed my eyes. * I woke up disoriented, as though I had forgotten something important. I waited for my mind to connect when I felt a slight movement beside me. "Cameron?" Kara. I turned to face her. She wasn't in my arms anymore, but she was on her side, facing me. In the dark I couldn't see her face clearly, but I saw the silhouette of her, felt it, smelled it. Wanted it. Craved it. "Are you awake?" she asked softly. "I'm awake." "You said to me if I say the words...you'll show me," she whispered. "You said to tell you when I'm ready." Her silky voice, then her words registered. "Cam," she murmured. "Yeah?" "I'm ready now."