CHAPTER 47 — ENDLESS CIRCLE

“I’m you have...” The word died on his lips as he leaned down and placed a hand against her pale skin.

He was her husband, wasn’t he? Yet, it seemed false to call himself that. He had been anything but a husband, and he knew she deserved better.

“I love you, Lily.” Her tired blue eyes scanned his face as he spoke. “There is so much I must say, but first, you need to recover fully. Perhaps then, you will regain your memory. Will you come with me?” He waited for a few seconds until she nodded.

Straightening, he pulled her to her feet with him, her tired body immediately falling backwards. He was quick, catching her before she reached the ground. He carried her in his arms and crossed the room. He placed her on the bed and leaned back to find that her eyes were closed. Brushing her limp blond hair aside, he pressed his lips to her damp forehead.

“Marry me, Lily,” he whispered softly. Reaching for her left hand, he ran his hand over her empty ring finger. “Wake up and marry me.”

***

Lily felt herself slipping in and out of consciousness until time ceased to exist in her mind and her memories were nothing but bits and pieces that adamantly refused to come together to form a complete picture.

There were days she dreamt she was in New York, standing over her mother as she watched her make a dress, or sitting with her father in the living room while he read a newspaper and she knitted a sock. Then there were days she was standing in a barely furnished house, with children whose faces she failed to recognize, surrounding her. She always felt a familiar surge of love for those children—a love she imagined only a mother could have.

Was she a mother? She couldn’t remember getting married; she especially could not remember birthing a child.

Still, she dreamed of those children more often than she dreamt of her parents.

She could tell she was dreaming, for the memories were vague and sparse. There were times she believed she was awake—times she sat in an unfamiliar room while a stranger spoon-fed her soup. She never got to see the face attached to the hand; perhaps it was the darkness of the room or the weakness of her mind. She however felt the impact of the meal in her stomach, warming up her entire body and filling her with strength. She would then slip into another world of fragmented memories or dreams that never seemed to connect or make any sense.

If she had children, where was her husband? She never saw his face in her dreams, not even once.

There was however a dream she had, one where she was walking in an unfamiliar hallway. There was a woman beside her and they were speaking. She knew they were speaking, even if she didn’t hear the words. Then there was pressure applied to her back. She felt the hands pushing her forward until she was falling.

A loud cry escaped her lips as her eyelids snapped open. Trembling, she scanned the unfamiliar room in confusion. She knew then that she had been dreaming and so much more than that; she knew she had woken up. She wasn’t just awake; she had control of her limbs, she thought, glancing down at her moving toes.

There was a still figure beside her, she thought, darkness shrouding her vision as she fought to see his face. His hands fell to the side, almost as if he had been holding something in them.

Slowly, she staggered out of bed, trembling. She saw the fire in the fireplace and immediately desired its warmth, cold air washing over her bare body. Crossing the room on wobbly feet, she settled on a chair by the fire and reveled in its heat.

“Lily?”

She spun around to find a man standing before her. Her first instinct was to back away from him, but there was something about him that seemed terribly familiar. Something about him made her feel safe and, strangely, love.

Did she love him? She searched her clouded mind in vain. She couldn’t remember, no matter how long she sat staring at him.

“Who…” She shook her head slightly, fighting desperately to remember. “Who are you?”

He opened his mouth to speak, his words sounding like nonsense in her ears. Closing his mouth as quickly as he had opened it, he leaned down and touched her face, the feeling of his hand against her face, causing her heart to skip a beat.

“I love you, Lily.” His words filled her heart, bombarding her mind with the memories that had eluded her for several days. They flashed through her mind with so much speed that her head and heart pounded dangerously, darkness suddenly clouding her vision.

“There is so much I must tell you, but first, you need to recover fully. Perhaps then, you will regain your memory. Will you come with me?”

She needed to lie down, if only for a few seconds. Yet, she feared she would reawaken to a blank mind. As it was, the darkness was already speedily closing in on her and it was impossible to fight it.

Nodding hurriedly, she felt him pull her to her feet, the ground giving way underneath her. Her body began falling in that instance, fear clouding her mind. Strong arms caught her, and she felt herself falling against his solid chest.

“Marry me, Lily.” His beautiful voice made her heart pound faster as she surrendered to the darkness, confident she had nothing to fear, for her mind might be capable of forgetting when she reawakens, but her heart wouldn’t.

Her heart was incapable of forgetting Raymond and her six perfect children.

***

Raymond watched with great relief as Lily’s health improved with every passing day. He watched her memory return—however slowly. He watched her skin regain its natural color, and best of them all, he watched her regain her strength.

She was reunited with the children a week later, when he was completely certain she could handle their presence. He watched them gather around her, each child’s excitement barely containable as they gently wrapped their arms around her and kissed her cheeks. She kissed them in return, tears staining her face.

He knew then, as he watched the children gather around her, that he had a family once more. He knew he loved Rachel, but that was all he wanted to feel for her, a love that only existed in the past. Lily was his present and his future.

Slipping out of the room silently, he made his way down the stairs and out through the back door. He made his way to the barn and found his axe. Walking out of the barn and through the vast farmland, he kept walking, the gentle breeze caressing his face as he did. The Axe dangled in his hand, its weight barely comparable to the weight he felt in his heart. When he reached his destination, he placed the Axe on the ground and stood frozen for a few seconds, his eyes fixed on the tree that stood tall before him.

He could almost see Rachel standing before him with her skin stained with mud as her eyes danced with excitement. She had been so excited about this tree, that he had come here every morning to pluck a bucket full of its fruit just for her. He had buried her by this tree. He had burned every painting he ever made of her by this tree. He burned the paintings on the evening of her death. He had been upset, and had taken everything he thought reminded him of her and burned it.

The tree seemed like the final straw, but he knew he needed to cut it down; it needed to be in his past, not his present.

“Goodbye, Rachel.”

Reaching up, he plucked an apple from its branch and buried it in his pocket. Taking the axe in his hands, he swung it at the tree, putting a dent in its trunk.

For several minutes, until the tree fell to the ground with a loud thud.

He released the axe, sweat beading his skin as he stared at the fallen tree.

Sighing, he buried his hand in his pocket and retrieved the apple from it. He decided then to plant another tree using that fruit; he would take a piece of the old and birth something new with it. It was the same thing with his new family. There was still a part of Rachel in it; she was in the children they had together. But while the new tree would come from the old, the tree itself would be different. He would give it its own opportunity at life, its own opportunity to not just grow, but birth fruits completely independent of the old tree.

A smile creased his face for the first time in many weeks as a soft sigh escaped his lips. He wanted children with Lily; he wanted to give her the opportunity to possess his heart completely, to own him, independent of Rachel. He wanted to have children with her, children independent of Rachel.

Taking the tree by its branches, he hefted it into the lake and watched it slowly float away. Turning around, he took the axe and cleared a new ground for the apple in his pocket. Taking the apple and biting off a huge chunk of it until he saw the seeds, he dug a hole in the earth and buried them.

Rising to his feet, he made his way back to the barn and mounted a horse, heading to town.

***

Raymond carried Lily down the stairs to dinner that evening. She protested his actions, insisting she could walk, but he ignored her, a wide grin on his face.

It had delighted Scarlet to cook dinner, and the plate of porridge proved to be a significant improvement compared to when she first started cooking.

After dinner, each child kissed Lily goodnight, and he carried her back up the stairs, noticing that she didn’t bother to complain. He placed her tired form on the mattress and pulled the covers over her. Her eyelids feel close and in only a matter of seconds, the sound of her soft snores filled the air.

Reaching down, he pulled his shirt over his head and dug into his pants pocket. His fingers brushed against what it was he sought, before he climbed into bed side her.

For a few minutes, he watched her sleep, the steady rising and falling of her chest, reassuring him she was alive.

Love for her flooded his heart until he could barely do anything but pull her into his arms. He brushed his lips against her head and reached for her left hand. Taking captive of it, he slipped a simple gold plaited band into it, the ring fitting perfectly.

She stirred in his arms, turning until she was facing him.

“Raymond?” She searched his eyes. What are you doing?

He shook his head, reaching for her hand and displaying the new jewelry before her.

“It is our bond,” he smiled, “an endless, unbreakable circle.” His free hand caressed her face. “With this ring, Lily, I am wed.” He leaned forward, his forehead coming to rest on hers as he stared into her teary blue eyes. “I’m wed to you. I will be your husband—I will completely be your husband, withholding nothing from you. I will neither withhold my ability to be a husband, nor my ability to be a father,” he slipped his hand down her face until it was coming to rest on her slightly bulged stomach, “to the children we will have together, the children I desperately desire to have with you.”

A soft sob escaped her lips, her eyes closing briefly as tears slipped down her face.

He slid his thumb across her cheeks, wiping her tears. “I have made you cry too often, love. I’m sorry.”

He felt her hand rest on his arm, tugging slightly on it as her eyelids gave way to her sparkling blue eyes.

“Kiss me, Raymond.”

He nodded once, grinning as he pressed his lips to hers and pulled her against himself.

“I do not have a ring to give to you, Ray,” she whispered solemnly against his lips. “But my heart, which is everlasting, will always be yours.” She kissed him once more, her fingers burying themselves in his hair. “I promise.”

It was the last thing she said, before he pulled her further into his embrace, loving her with not only his body, but with his entire heart.