45. Dazzling Cosmic Clouds
**DAY TWO**
I take my sweet time staring at Emara, she is sleeping carefreely, completely oblivious to the wolfish gaze of an animal on her.
My eyes trace the delicate lines on her face, the shadow of her jawline, and her black hair falls across the pillow like the stretch of dark night in the sky.
I am utterly mesmerised, feeling a strange mix of guilt and desire. I am aware I shouldn’t be staring at her like a creep, but at the same time I can’t seem to pull myself away from her orbit.
Like a lost astronaut, I stare at Emara like she is the most beautiful galaxy I have discovered and I want to dive into her dazzling cosmic clouds.
My fingers itch to out and touch her again, to feel the warmth of her milky skin beneath my fingertips. And the only thing that is coming between us is this thin sheet of blanket, that I want it gone forever.
With careful movement, I slide them off. My breath gets caught in my throat as her pearl glistening body uncovers from under the sheet like Moon from the cluster of dark clouds.
Emara is a masterpiece, living and breathing, a marvel of universe and I, a mere humble admirer lost in her beauty. It is both an honor and obsession to witness this.
I lean in to her celestial body, which is a constellation of perfection. I can smell the faint scent of shampoo, which smells exactly like mine.
*Mine.*
A spike of possessiveness rushes through me and I hold her closer in my arms, the warmth of her body is so inviting. I want to memorize every inch of her and save this moment of quiet intimacy forever in my mind’s memory card.
Once again, I graze my lips against her collarbones, which cast a gentle shadow like lunar craters, and I lick them lightly.
I am aware that I have lost all my intelligence, but in the moment it feels so good.
My lips trace tiny freckles adorned on her upper chest like cluster of stars, kissing them gently as I pass through the valley of her rising and falling breasts.
My heart pounds in my chest, each beat a reminder of my internal conflict. Telling me I am a fucking creep.
*I am not creep!*
*I am not just kissing her. I am soothing the areas I have hurt her.*
*It’s for the heeling purpose.*
My twisted mind replies back to my conscience, further ignoring creed and kissing her gentle slope of breasts which feels like dunes of silk.
My lips brush against her taut nipples, inviting my exploration. Her skin feels so warm and smooth, I can’t help but shower her with my deep affection.
My lips trace her ribs, feeling their gentle rise and fall, looking like a polished stone that has been warmed by the light of the Sun.
Going down, my lips slide to the dip of her navel and gently, I lay kisses on her center, like it is the center of my universe. A place of creation and life.
My stomach moves as I stare at the soft curvature of her stomach, like an endless expanse of wonder. Each kiss feels like a discovery, a new star igniting in the cosmos.
My lips travel lower to the soft part of her lower belly and I gently kiss it. Emara gently stirs under me and I remain frozen on my spot, scared to wake her up and getting caught.
I know it is not right, but I have never felt this good, doing the wrong thing.
Watching her sleep, I press my lips at the line of her hips as if I am the explorer, finding my way through this magical galaxy of her body.
As I kiss her, I feel a connection to something greater, something infinite and eternal.
Emara is my universe, my stars, my everything. In this moment, I am both lost and found, drifting in the endless sea of her cosmos.
“I love you.” A whisper comes out of me, barely audible against the backdrop of my beating heart.
*Fuck! I shouldn’t have said that.*
A knife of regret pierces right through my chest, as if hurting the other me. The one she broke into tiny pieces, played with her innocent smile, and trapped me in her smart plan.
“No.” I shake my head, standing up. “I can’t love you.” *And I can’t let you go.*
The problem is.. *I can’t forgive her, nor I can free her.*
Her sweet poison has been injected so deeply into my system that I can neither purge her from me, nor I can live with her inside me.
I am unable to choose a side. And even if I manage to make a choice, my other side will pull me back.
*I am in a fucking messed up zone!*
But looking down at her, for what I did, for what he did to her, the knife of regret presses deeper into my heart, hurting me more than she ever did.
*Fuck!*
“I am sorry.” I whisper against her cheek, where her dried tears still play a sad symphony.
“I just wanted to talk to you. Tell you all about me, even the dark times I went through all alone, without a shred of sympathy from anyone.” I close my eyes, feeling the cuts deepening in my chest.
*I guess I don’t even deserve to share it.*
I look at her, sleeping soundly. A part of me wants to reach over and know what it feels like to cuddle with her. But I don’t want my demons to touch her.
Not that they haven’t already.
*Fuck!*
There is no denying that I find this girl attractive, sensual and somewhat intriguing. There is a part of me, a deep rooted part of me who still wants to go back to that night at the party and relive the moment when she was dancing and I was just.. Staring at her.
*How boldly those hazel eyes were gazing back at me!*
That was the moment something stirred in me. And right there I knew, she was the one. The only one who could challenge and tame my animal.
*But fuck the fuck!*
I rub my face, realizing there is nobody who can tame the beast within me.
*Not even myself.*
Maybe I am forever cursed to be alone in this life.
“Good night, love.” I kiss her feather soft cheek, which reminds me of sweet cotton candy.
It takes everything in me to pull away from her touch, and I stand up, controlling my urges to get back into the bed with her, and sleep against her warm body.
I fist my hands and walk out of her room, back to my cold, barren room which makes me feel like a worthless piece of crap.
Tired to my bones, I fall on the bed, staring at my watch. It binks of 3:52 AM.
Maybe if I sleep nicely for an hour, I can cover up the next nine hours of work with a fresh mind with coffee and pills.
*Only if I get an hour sleep.*
I sigh deeply, closing my eyes. But her face, her sleeping face flashes in front of me. She is all over my mind, and it is such a tragic that she is not here in my bed.
*Fuck! I am so fucked.*