⋆ Chapter 198

⋆ Chapter 198
I smiled at Cillian, and it was the kind of smile that barely touched my eyes, the kind you give when words get stuck in your throat and you’re not sure where to start. So I didn’t. I just sat up slowly, the silk sheets slipping off my skin. My legs still trembled a little, but I swung them over the side of the bed and started gathering my clothes.
I pulled on my shirt without looking at him. My pants followed, then my shoes. He didn’t stop me. He didn’t say a word. Just watched from the bed as I tied the laces slowly, like stalling might somehow keep the moment from breaking.
When I finally stood, I turned to face him. He hadn’t moved, hadn’t reached for anything except his robe, now tied loosely around his waist. Our eyes locked. And I hated that I still wanted him.
“You came here to talk…” Cillian finally spoke. He already knew.
“For months,” I said softly, “all I wanted was to feel you. To have you… fuck me. Hard. Like it could hurt enough to make everything else stop.”
He blinked but didn’t interrupt. I took a breath.
“At first, I didn’t care. I just wanted you. I needed the way you made me feel. But now I realize… I was trying to drown something. I was numbing the pain of losing him. Of losing Xavier. Of losing my mate. And I’m sorry.”
There was a silence between us. Then Cillian rose from the bed and moved slowly, wrapping his robe tighter. His face gave nothing away, but I knew him well enough to feel what was behind the stillness.
“Ever since I knew you were Xavier’s mate,” he said, walking toward me, “I already knew what I was signing up for, Pet.”
His voice was gentle and quiet in the large room. It didn’t sound angry. Just tired.
“I’ve lost people, too. I know what grief does to a person. I carried it for centuries, letting it rot inside me until all that was left was rage. Losing Eleanor…” He paused, eyes dropping to the floor, voice tight with memory, then slowly lifted to meet mine again. “It gutted me. And all I wanted after that was for Xavier to feel what I felt. I’m sure you already know where that led.”
“But then you came along. And I watched you. The way you were willing to change what you are for him. Then I wasn’t angry anymore—I was jealous. And then somewhere along the way, without even meaning to, I got attached. The hate, the vengeance... It all went away. Because before I could stop it, I was already falling in love with you.”
That took my breath away. “Cillian…”
“The pain you’re feeling now… it might not be exactly what I felt back then. Maybe it’s different. But pain is still pain, Matilda—and I know what it does to a person.”
I felt my throat tighten. I pressed my palms together to stop them from shaking.
“But I feel like I’m using you to fill the void Xavier left.”
Cillian stepped closer, his hand almost reaching for me before he stopped himself. “You love me.”
“I do,” I said, and the words came with a weight I couldn’t soften. “I do love you. That’s why it’s worse. That’s why it’s sad. Because it’s not whole. It’s not fair. Half of me died with Xavier, Cillian. And I’m trying to love you with what’s left of me, but it’s not enough. Not enough to fight the grief that keeps swallowing everything else.”
My voice broke, and the tears came before I could stop them. “I’m using you. Even when I don’t mean to.”
“And I permit you,” he said simply, “to use me for as long as you want.”
He said it without flinching, as if it didn’t cost him anything, but I knew better. That was him asking me to stay without actually saying the words. That was Cillian’s version of pleading.
He didn’t speak right away, and that silence, his silence, felt heavier than if he’d shouted at me. Cillian was never one to beg. But I saw it in the small shift of his jaw, the slight narrowing of his eyes. The way his fingers flexed at his sides like he wanted to reach for me, but didn’t.
I shook my head, blinking past the blur. “No. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep taking pieces of you to fill the hollow in me. I can’t be this selfish. Not to you.”
Cillian looked at me like he’d known this moment would come. Like it was only ever a matter of when.
He crossed the space between us and wrapped his arms around me. His lips brushed mine, not with heat this time, but with something soft and final. He didn’t try to convince me to stay.
“You’re saying goodbye,” he whispered against my mouth.
I nodded as the sob broke from my throat.
“Yes,” I choked out, clinging to him. “And I know you’ll find me. Please, don’t. Not this time.”
I held him like it would be the last time, because it was. I buried my face into his chest and let the sobs tear through me. His hands stroked my back, one last time, steady and slow, until I finally pulled away.
I walked out before I could change my mind.
Down the hallway, the air felt colder, my steps faster than I intended. The moment the night air hit me, I inhaled like I hadn’t breathed in days.
Damian was already waiting by the car, standing quietly beside the open door.
“Going home, Ms. Parker?” he asked.
I just nodded and slid into the back seat without a word.
The car started to move, but my mind didn’t. It stayed back in that room with the man who had held me through my breaking and let me go without asking for more.
Then I felt something shift against my wrist.
I looked down. The bracelet Cillian had given me had loosened. It slipped down my arm like it knew what I was about to do. When I raised my hand, it slid off completely and fell softly into my lap.
That was all it took. The tears came harder, and I couldn’t stop them. I curled forward, clutching the bracelet to my chest, as if holding it tighter could undo the goodbye I had just said.
But nothing could. And I cried until there was nothing left in me but the echo of the man I had just left behind.