Chapter 23

Chapter 23
OLIVIA

I gasped and my hands flew over to my mouth. Ryan was still looking at me and I began growing uneasy.

“I'm so sorry. Oh my goodness, I didn't mean to.” I muttered while staring at my hands, wondering if I should clean him up or not.

This is a total mess up.

“Olie, let's get you cleaned up.” Melody said and began dragging me upstairs but I kept looking backwards at Ryan who smiled.

He smiled. He's not offended right? He smiled and that's a good sign.

After I cleaned up and changed, the embarrassment still clung to me like a bad perfume. Melody had gone quiet, only giving me small smiles as if she didn't want to make it worse.

“Okay bye. I'm off to bed.” She said and didn't wait for my reply before she fling the door open and walked out hurriedly making me wonder what the matter was.

But my mind wasn't on her anymore. It was in Ryan. His face when it happened, the way he didn't even flinch and how calm he stayed when he should have been disgusted.

The way he smiled after I apologized but didn't say anything.

The calmness haunted me.

I stood in front of his door for a full minute before knocking. My hand hovered midair, then dropped. I wasn't sure what I was doing.

“Just say you're sorry again. Then leave.” I told myself but my feet didn't move.

I finally knocked once. The sound was too soft, so I knocked again, louder.

“Come on,” his voice said from the inside. That deep voice that made my insides clench and made the hairs on my skin stand.

I took two heavy breaths before einoushed the door open.

He was sitting at the edge of the bed and was wearing a white turtle-necked singlet.

His phone was beside him. The lamp behind him threw a soft light across the room, warm enough to blur the edges of everything.

My heart thudded once then twice.

“Hey,” I said quietly and used my hands to drag my dress down just to ease my nervousness.

He looked up and I almost forgot how to breathe for a second.

“Feeling better?” I nodded my head in approval.

Did I suddenly lose the ability to talk?

“A little,” I forced out and gave him a small smile. “I just came to apologize properly.” I blurted out because I didn't want him asking me what I was doing in his room.

“You already did.” He replied and started working on his laptop again.

“Not really,” I said, taking a few hesitant steps forward. “That was… chaos. I just needed you to know I'm sorry. For… all of it.”

He tilted his head, watching me. “All of it?”

My breath caught. “Yesterday. Today. For making things weird.”

A flicker of something crossed his face. Amusement, maybe. “You didn't make things weird Olivia.”

“Ryan, I threw up on you.”

He almost smiled. “I've had worse.”

That made me laugh, though it came out small and nervous. I rubbed my arm, glancing around his room.

It smelled like cedar and lemon, like him.

Everything else was neat except for the edge of the bed where he sat, rumpled from his weight.

“Still, I said softly, “you didn't have to be nice about it.”

He leaned back slightly, his eyes never leaving mine. What would you rather I have done?”

I swallowed, also thinking about what I would have wanted him to do.

“I don't know. Maybe yelled? Told me to get out?”

“That's not really my style Olivia.” His voice dropped lower.

The way he calls my name? It makes my stomach have some kind of movement. Like my head is floating in the air.

I tried to meet his eyes but I failed.

“I don't want you to think I don't respect boundaries,” I murmured. “I know what you said before about how complicated–”

“Olivia.” His voice cut through softly, making me bite down on my lower lip. “You don't have to explain yourself again.”

“I know,” I showered. “That's why I came. Not just to apologize. I wanted to know if you're angry.”.

He shook his head once. “I'm not angry.”

“Then what are you?”

He lifted his gaze back to me. “Trying to be careful.”

Careful?

Of what exactly? Me? The word did hit something inside me.

“Careful,” I repeated, barely breathing the word. “Because of me?”

“Because of what this could mean.” For a long second, the room went silent m. The ticking clock on his dresser sounded so loud. I could hear my own heartbeat.

I took another step forward and his eyes followed every of my movement. Not in a way that felt wrong, but I'm a way that made my skin burn.

“I don't want to make things harder for you,” I said quietly.

“You already have.” His tone was soft, but it wasn't cruel. It was honest.

“Then maybe I should leave.” I said and swallowed the lump in my throat.

“You could.” His eyes softened. “But you haven't.”

That stopped me cold. I hadn't realized how close I'd gotten until that moment.

“I don't know what to do with you.” He said half, half to himself. He sounded like he was going to get a headache soon.

“Then don't do anything,” I whispered. “Just… don't push me away either.”

He looked at me for a long time, his jaw tense. Then he stood up.

“He was taller than I remember, or maybe it was just the way the light hit him. The distance between us was almost nothing now. I could smell the faint trace of his cologne, feel the warmth radiating from his skin.

“Olivia, you don't know what you're asking for.”

“I do.”

“No,” he murmured. “You think you do. But this isn't simple.”

“Neither is pretending you don't feel it.”

His bre
ath caught. I saw it that moment when the mask slipped just a little.

“Do you ever stop talking?” He asked almost smiling.