Chapter 203 Epilogue

Chapter 203 Epilogue
I folded Ryan’s letter along the creases I’d made when I’d opened it and slipped it carefully into the inside pocket of my coat.
My own letter was still beside me. I looked at it for a long moment.
“I’ll read it to you next time,” I murmured.
I couldn’t do it today. My chest already hurt too much, and I’d learned that grief had limits, even if love apparently didn’t. I picked up the copy of my book and ran my thumb over the cover. Then I placed it against the headstone. It would probably be ruined. Rain, frost, dirt, time. But that was all right. I’d bring another one every time. I was about to stand when I heard a familiar voice behind me.
“You’re here again.”
I froze, then I turned. Three pairs of eyes were looking at me. Two men and a little girl who couldn't have been older than one nestled comfortably against one of them. She wore a tiny cream coat with little bear ears sewn into the hood, pink mittens, and boots that looked far too serious for someone that small. One of the roses from the bouquet in the man’s hand was clutched in her fist.
I wondered how deeply I’d disappeared into Ryan’s letter that I hadn’t heard them walking toward me.
I’d spent a concerning amount of time in this cemetery during the first year. There had been one particularly bad afternoon when it rained, and I’d stayed anyway. I’d sat there soaked through, staring at Ryan’s grave like I was waiting for it to explain something.
That's when Jax had found me. He’d appeared in the rain in his boots and leather jacket, looked at me for approximately three seconds, and said, “Planning to drown yourself, or are you just committed to being miserable?”
It had been blunt, almost offensively so. But there had been something sympathetic underneath it, something steady in those dark eyes. I’d looked at him and remembered sitting across from Ryan at his restaurant, eating food made by the same man who was now apparently concerned that I was trying to become part of the cemetery landscaping. He'd held out an umbrella.
“Come on,” he’d said. “You can go be devastated somewhere with a roof.”
We’d crossed paths here more times than I could count after that. Eventually, he’d asked whether Ryan was the person I’d been with at the restaurant and I’d nodded.
He hadn’t asked anything else. He’d just started giving me food after every visit. Good food. Enough that sometimes I wondered if he’d somehow memorized my schedule.
“Happy New Year,” Jax said now.
I stood, brushing dirt from my knees. “Happy New Year.”
I was almost face-to-face with them. Both men had a couple of inches on me. My gaze shifted briefly to the man beside Jax.
I was fairly certain I’d seen his face somewhere online before. Possibly on some thirst trap I’d scrolled past at two in the morning. I could've been completely wrong though.
I looked down at the two bouquets in Jax’s hand. Always two. I knew exactly where he was going to stand. For twenty minutes, usually. I’d once passed those graves and glanced at the names before realizing I was intruding on something that wasn't mine to understand. I’d wondered about them afterwards.
The little girl made a small, incomprehensible sound and reached toward me with her rose. I smiled.
Jax adjusted her higher against his hip. “This is Xander,” he said, nodding toward the man beside him. “My husband.”
The word landed strangely. Not painfully, exactly. Just heavily.
“And this is Audrey.”
Audrey waved the rose at me again and stared at me with enormous eyes. Then she tried to eat the flower before Xander grabbed it from her.
“Nice to meet you,” he said afterwards. Then he looked at me for a second longer than necessary. I had the distinct feeling Jax had talked about me. I wondered what he'd said.
“There's this poor guy who practically lives at the cemetery. He cries a lot. I feed him sometimes.”
I looked away before my imagination could get any worse. Jax's eyes moved to Ryan’s grave, then he smiled faintly.
“You finished the book?”
I blinked. I had no idea when I’d told him I was writing one. Then again, I’d apparently told this man plenty of things during the worst period of my life.
“Yeah,” I said. “Finally.”
He nodded toward the book resting against the stone. “Congratulations.”
“Thanks.”
Xander glanced down and read the title aloud, then looked at me. “My mum and sister read a lot. I’ll have to get them copies.”
Something tightened in my chest.
“Sure.”
I glanced toward the cemetery entrance. I suddenly wanted to leave. They were happy. A married couple with a child. Standing together in the cold, carrying flowers for people they loved. It was beautiful, which was the problem. Beautiful things could be cruel when they showed you, in perfect detail, a life you could've had. My hand went into my pocket for my wallet. As I pulled out my card, I caught sight of the little seashell tucked inside.
The almost heart-shaped one. I stared at it for half a second before closing the wallet. I handed the card to Xander.
“Text me your address. I’ll send you a few copies.”
He looked at the card, then back at me. “Thanks.”
His smile was easy, almost reckless. The kind of smile that suggested life hadn't yet taught him to be afraid of it.
“You have a good day,” I said. “I should get going.”
I picked up my bag and took two steps.
“Michael.”
I stopped and turned. Jax was looking at me. He knew my name pretty well by now. He glanced at Xander who gave him a small nod. Then Jax looked back at me. “We're having some people over tonight,” he said. “Nothing big. Just a little get-together at our place.” His gaze flicked briefly toward the card still in Xander’s hand. “You should come.”
“No,” was already sitting comfortably on my tongue.
I didn't want to be around people. I certainly didn't want to be around strangers. People who knew nothing about me. People I probably had nothing in common with. People who hadn't watched someone they loved die and then spent two years learning how to breathe around the hole it left behind.
Then my eyes moved past them to the stone. To Ryan. To the book I'd left there. To the letter tucked safely inside my coat. I swallowed past the lump in my throat. Maybe that was what living looked like sometimes. Just saying yes to somewhere you didn't want to go.
I looked back at Jax and nodded. “Okay. If I'm able to, I'll be there.” His eyebrows lifted slightly, as though he'd expected a fight.
Then he smiled. “Good.”
Audrey waved her rose at me one last time. And somehow, impossibly, I smiled back.

THE END♥️