Chapter 31: In which she has to face him.
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
Crash!
"Owwwww!"
I woke up clutching my head in my hands. The pounding indicated the humongous hangover I was about to have. I searched around the room with half closed eyes and spotted the broken clock against the far wall and groaned.
"What's all this noise...?"
My head snapped up to Nikki's frame leaning against the door frame of my bedroom. Memories of last night came flooding back.
When I'd walked out of Nate's house yesterday, I'd called Nikki straightaway and poured my heart out, even though I had omitted all about my plans and Samuel’s identity, even though I had gotten dead drunk and mashed brained. Because even my suicidal brain cells knew that it wasn't just my secret to give, it also belonged to my brother.
"I think I just broke my clock..." I threw the covers off and placed my feet on the floor.
"You think?" Nikki looked at the wall where the remains of my clock were. "So...what's the plan for today? You calling in sick or..."
"No." I stood up on shaky feet. "I've skipped enough days already. I need to face him."
"Savannah, you're in no way to-"
"I'll be fine." I cut her off, determined to face him today. "I'm going."
But I hadn't counted in what would happen when I face Nathan today.
The instant I walked in, Tina grabbed my hand and took me to a corner.
"What happened? Is everything alright between the two of you?" She asked, her attire today consisted of a pistachio green coloured shirt and light brown pencil skirt. I, however, looked like I was in moaning with my black shirt and black pants, paired with black boots.
"Why? Did he tell you something?" I asked, scared that he'd taken my anger out on her.
"No, but he's been acting weird." Tina looked around before she leaned in to my ears to whisper. "He's been bipolar this entire morning. He arrived wayy before opening hours and keeps snapping at everyone one moment and then goes quite and sulky the next. Do something Savannah, his mood swings are affecting the other workers."
"I'll try." I said unsurely. The only thing that might happen though, is that his mood will get worse the instant he sees me. But I kept that thought to myself and approached his cabin.
His door was shut so I knocked, opening the door only after I heard a snapped 'come in'. My heart was in my throat as I entered; closing the door after me and looking it with a soft click.
Nate was sitting on his chair, facing the wall behind him, so he didn't see me as soon as I entered. His charcoal coloured jacket was draped over the back of his chair. Looks like I wasn't the only one dressed for a funeral today.
"Nate?" I called out softly, trying not to disturb whatever he was doing facing a blank wall.
Nate whirled around to face me at my call, his face expressionless. Somehow, I got the feeling that he was relieved to see me. "You're late."
I think I'm intelligent enough to notice what he wanted to imply. I wouldn't blame him. I'll be the same way if someone showed me photos of him with some other woman and he didn’t give me a proper explanation as to what was going on between them.
"I was home, Nate. You can ask Nikki, she was with me the whole night." I said, forcing the words out of my mouth.
His eyes turned hard as he stared at me, but then he ran his hands down his face and I saw the mask drop for an instant. Saw the pain, the regret. I wanted to go to him, to comfort him, but I knew it wasn't the right time. I had to wait till Christmas. Everything will be fine then…if there was anything left to save.
But then his expressionless mask came back on again and I had to question myself whether I'd just imagined seeing his grief. Was I the only one effected? Clearly not from what Tina told me.
"I'm sorry for being late. I'll get to work right away." I told him and without waiting for an answer, walked out of the room.
I thought I could do this. Ask him questions, comfort him. But I was wrong. Being near him felt like I was suffocating! I wouldn’t be this miserable if he was angry. I would have preferred him to be angry, to snap at me and yell and cause a scene. Maybe that would’ve relieved some of the guilt. But this? This expressionless mask that he wore was crushing my heart to pieces.
I have known grief my entire life. Loss was like déjà vu that just kept repeating itself over and over again. I’d lost my father the instant I was born. I lost my twin brother when I was four and we were separated forever. I lost my mother to cancer at ten. And now, once again, I was losing Nate.
But this loss? I didn’t think I could survive this. This loss was too personal, too hard to bear. Just when I thought I had my brother back, I was about to lose the love of my life. Was taking revenge really worth it all?
The answer was, yes. My mother, the woman who had given birth to me, deserved this. The pain I was feeling now was nothing compared to how she must have felt when the man she loved had abandoned her and taken away her son. And then, when she was on her deathbed, he had ignored all her pleas and refused to let her meet with her son one last time. So yes, I was doing this for my mother. For every tear that had gone unnoticed and ignored…for every time her heart had been shattered by a ruthless man.
And for that very reason, I have to steer clear of Nathan for the rest of the month, until Christmas came. It's the only way I could survive without breaking down. Because there was only so much my fragile heart could take.