Chapter 393: 1-6

I believe that actions speak louder than words, and so while you told me you loved Ben, Amelia and I equally, I want you to see your actions from my side. I sighed my chest hurting but I had all the words tonight it seemed. Mom died and you never went to search for her... even though I told you nothing, you never looked and at the same time that you didn't go searching you pulled away from me. You stopped smiling. You stopped making me laugh until I would pee myself and shriek. You were never home always going to work... Somewhere a long the line you even stopped giving great hugs and saying I love you. You didn't tuck me to bed anymore, and you didn't sing either. You barely smiled. The truth is, it was hard to lose you and lose momma at the same time, but everyone said you'd come back, and when I was seven and you started smiling, I was so happy because I knew that you, my daddy was coming back around. Momma wouldn't be coming home, but you were coming back. Instead of coming back to me though, you came back to Ben and Amelia. You threw away all of mommas things to make room for your new little girl. You threw away all her things, that those were the only things I had left of her, the clothes that I played dress up in but you wouldn't know that because you weren't back yet. You were still empty and hurting, and while you were hurting all her things brought me comfort. You threw my comfort away and still gave what little you could give to me, to Amelia. You promised that things would get better, you lied. Things never got better. You stopped trying to be my daddy, but you took Amelia on daddy daughter dates, so that she wouldn't feel like less of your daughter but I hadn't felt like yours for years. You didn't have time to do that with me, you didn't have time to be my daddy. I couldn't understand why though... it wasn't like she needed you more than I did... we were only a year apart. AND SHE WAS OLDER. How much more did she need? You threw all of my mommas things to make room for her, wasn't that enough? No. because she was starving for a daddy, as much as I was, but I don't understand how that went unnoticed? I had asked you to go to father daughter dances with me... you didn't go. She came along and you wanted to go... I'm not sure why I even went... you danced the first two songs with her, while I sat on the bench waiting. Hurting. Back then I didn't notice it but now, I can remember one of the dads that had two girls, he danced with both at once, joking around he had them under his arms as footballs. You loved me so much how come you didn't do that? I swallowed, putting the pen down, I sighed wiping my tears before I continued. I may hate Amelia, but you made me hate her. You made me jealous of her, because she had the one thing I wanted. My daddy. You were so happy to be her daddy, and I want you to know that Sarah was just a sucky consolation prize. One that said: "Mom... what do you want me to do? To say? Tell her that her mother abandoned her, was nothing but a flakey whore that probably road out of this town, this farm with another man, left her and Ben behind, didn't care enough like a mother should? It's the truth mom; this whole town knows what Norine did. One day, someone's going to give it to that child, spit it out like everything else around here and she'll hear it, but it won't be from me" I write what she said the night I hurt myself, verbatim. It was her though. It was always her. She was always the one putting my momma down, like she was someone better. Speaking ill of the dead. How do you want me to love a woman that could say such things about the one person in the world besides Ben I thought loved me? You never had time for me, but you made special time to be with Amelia. I don't think you know how much you hurt me, but I think on top of that new baby, and Amelia and Sarah, and everything else, the one thing that hurts me the most is how you helped Amelia and her friends to push me out of my own home. You arranged it so I could sleep at Uncle Grants while she had a sleepover, one she didn't want me in the house for, but you loved me, right? Even now, while you're reading this, seeing these words, I'm not sure how you'll feel but I just wanted to say that I don't think I will ever want anything to do with your new child, Amelia or Sarah. And I would hope that for once, you think of what I'm saying, and feeling and respect that. I don't want to see you be someone elses daddy when you couldn't be bothered to be mine. I'm here now, and it's only been a few months so maybe I'll change my mind, but I don't think I will. In fact I'm hoping that we stay here so I never have to live in the same house as them if we every came back, and while you may be hurting thinking Ben and I are dead, you're only just starting to feel how I've felt for such a long time. I don't see your side anymore, like I did when I was in Middleburg and I am who I am now, this girl because of you. You can say that I could've changed our life had I shown you the recording, but again see it from my perspective... that actions speak louder than words, momma died for us, and showed me just how much she loved us - even though I think it was selfish not telling you she was a wolf. That recording is the one thing I had that told me I was loved besides Ben. I could believe what momma said on it, but I couldn't trust your words, not when you showed me otherwise. Its only been a few months, and I've cried quite a few times here, but I've yet to cry myself to sleep upset that you loved Amelia more. Love,