Chapter 352: 2-3

Away above the chimney tops That’s where you’ll find me Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly Bird fly over the rainbow. Why then, oh, why can’t I? If happy little bluebirds fly, beyond the rainbow, Why, oh, why can’t I? My knees weaken and I fall probably clumsily to the floor, pulling my knees up to my chest, rocking back and forth as Oakley sings and the images of white walls, and silver bars disappear. Standing six feet away, she looks at me worriedly, pained and I feel wetness on my cheek. Humiliation swallows me hole, “Are – are you okay now?” her voice shakes as she sit in the chair nearest to her. I can’t do much, but I barely have the energy it seems to give her a brief nod, she doesn’t speak and I’m fairly certain it’s because she has no idea what the hell just happened. Not that I’m much more educated on the occurrence. My breathing skips and the gasping turns to low pants, until the silence is much too loud, “Why did you sing?” I ask to get attention off of me. I bring my hands up quickly to wipe away traces of weakness. Crying never changed anything. I knew that. I waited but when Oakley didn’t answer, I finally looked up at her to see her own tears. I swallowed hard, she shouldn’t cry, I didn’t like it. Maybe she’s hurting just like you are so she’s crying, Nyx answered me but I brushed him off. “Are you crying because of me?” I blurt out, “You shouldn’t waste your tears, it doesn’t change anything,” I mutter but she shakes her head. “I – I – I guess I never realized how freaked out Ben must have been… I used to have panic attacks all the time… especially at night and Ben would sing that song to me, I think because it’s the only one he knew…” “I hated being alone… but I didn’t know who I could trust, because I didn’t know who shot my momma,” her bottom lip is shaking and I feel new things. Strange things. Things I’ve seen others do here on the island. Hold each other, but I can’t even do that. Maybe she just wants you to listen… “Then – I made myself forget. I didn’t – I don’t recall deciding to do that but one morning I woke up and stopped remembering. I knew she wasn’t coming back, but I just didn’t think about it.”  She says picking at her dress hem, “ I never told anyone, but I hated being alone but no one wanted to be my friend,” she shrugs but the tears are there, “I was really sad for a long time until…” I was paying attention no, she didn’t tell anyone but she was telling me? I wanted her to look at me like she was before, I wanted to see her eyes but she wasn’t doing that and I wished I could touch her face and make her look up at me but that thought and need makes me hold onto my knees tighter than before. I didn’t want to be like that, I didn’t want to make her do anything she didn’t want to do. Like she doesn’t want to make you do anything you don’t want to do… Nyx pointed out giving me much to think about later. I did hate being alone, but since Oakley had come here she made me feel different, not normal, I would never be normal. I wouldn’t be a good friend to Oakley but I had to admit that I did like that she wanted to spend time with me. “No one wanted to be around me, so I studied a lot…” she continued softly, but I was in shock. I couldn’t understand why she didn’t have many friends; I knew why people were staying away from me, but her? Didn’t make sense. We were quiet for a long while, I had long stopped rocking and she only had sniffles, “You don’t have to be my friend if you don’t want Kieran. I don’t think you’re going to hurt me I think if you were going to do that you already would’ve,” she said her voice wavering. I didn’t answer, I didn’t know what say, and nothing was making sense. I couldn’t decide if this was just another trap or if I could trust Oakley? It wasn’t a trap… but I also couldn’t trust her. Even if she’s trusting you? Nyx questioned, everyone has surely told her to stay away from you, that you are dangerous, but here she is… with you. Maybe she’s broken… she wants a friend so bad she doesn’t care that she’s picking from the bottom – a pity friendship. I wouldn’t make a good friend, I couldn't joke or even do all the fun things the others did here, and it’s better to stay alone. Keep my guard up. Lost in thought I only noticed that she was leaving when she walked past me slowly, her leg much better now, but she was still wearing a funny looking boot. . . . After Oakley left, I inhaled deeply staying on the bottom floor of the library, her scent still strong until eventually I smell leather and the faint scent of ink. I wanted to go after her, I might not think she should be around me but she wanted to be. I didn’t get it though; no one wanted to be around me. I was only holding her back, but she could pull you forward, Nyx gave his two cents on the matter but I didn’t budge. I don’t even know why she’d want to be around me when she’s so smart, nice and clean, not like me. I did like that she didn’t touch me, even though she said she wanted too. She had good self-control like me, I remember wanting to touch her hair when she visited me on my mountain; but I didn’t. She didn’t look at my scars and show fear. I liked the way she smelt too… and her voice… I didn’t even like to be around people very much, and people wanted to be around Oakley, she’s new here and that may explain why she wants to be my friend but I know that once she does more, she won’t even have time to read out loud with me. My shoulders sag, I was going to miss that. Then there was the most important factor of all, I couldn’t even help Oakley when she got hurt, and I didn’t help her. I’d never had a friend but I knew that if you were friends, you looked out for each other. You did… you tried to make her stay on the mountain, Nyx reminds me but I know the truth. Trying to stop her was just the bare minimum of what I could’ve done to keep her safe. It was an accident Kieran, she miss-stepped and fell, you didn’t push her! Nyx comments again. I couldn’t comfort her, I didn’t even know how to do that, Kieran, this has to stop, weren’t you listening to what Oakley said? She said you accept her for who she is! She is trusting you, blindly so, without even worrying about what others have told her… she came to you to form her own opinion. You may not understand why or what she will get by being your friend but that doesn’t mean you can dismiss how she feels. Just because you do not understand something doesn’t mean you can’t accept it until you do, until you see why… Nyx said and I had to admit that in my chest something was bubbling up, it was new… it hadn’t even been long since she left the room and I was already wondering what she was doing. Probably reading a new book, I thought sadly.