CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE

There’s a different energy when we wake up the following morning.

Calmer.

Softer edges.

Less to prove.

When we leave the tent, Matt drapes his arm over my shoulders.

When I step out of the bathroom with damp hair, Angelo kisses me.

When we walk to the restaurant, Jarel holds my hand.

My guys.

My men.

My lovers.

Halfway through breakfast, Dr. Ezra says, “One last exercise. The best way to deal with fear is to be open about it, so let’s get it out. What’s your biggest fear about this relationship?”

We all look at each other, but no one says anything.

“Scared of hurt feelings?” he asks rhetorically. “You have to be honest in a relationship, especially one like this. There’s no point in hiding fears.”

Angelo puts down his fork. “I’m worried she’ll choose one of us, and the other two will have gone through all of this for nothing.”

That sentence is a knife in my gut.

“That’s a valid fear,” Dr. Ezra says, “and it’s a possibility. Most relationships eventually end, and this is certainly not the simplest dynamic. You have to trust that Val loves each of you, and you have to stay honest about your feelings and experiences.” He looks at the guys. “Who else?”

“We won’t have a family,” Matt says.

“I second that,” Angelo says.

It’s painful to hear, but I do appreciate that they agree on something.

“I suspect that will be a series of difficult conversations,” Dr. Ezra says. “It’s very possible that the family image you once had can’t be achieved in this relationship, but that doesn’t mean that raising a family is impossible, and there are plenty of advantages to having more adults around to help raise a child or children.”

“I’m afraid they won’t stick around,” I force myself to say. “That no matter how much they care about me, they won’t be able to really accept that they have to share me.”

Dr. Ezra nods. “It was certainly one of my concerns when I took this case. Still, I think the fact that everyone is willing to be here and acknowledge that you all love one another is evidence that everyone will eventually accept the reality of this situation.”

Everyone turns toward Jarel.

“I don’t have fears about the actual relationship,” he says.

Dr. Ezra places his hands on the table and interlocks his fingers. “Not about ‘the actual relationship’?”

“Right.”

“So then, what is your fear about?”

Jarel looks at me. “I can’t say.”

“Why not?” Dr. Ezra asks.

“I promised I wouldn’t talk about it.”

“Make an exception,” I say. “If there were any time to talk about that horrific insanity, it’s now.”

“You’re sure?” he asks.

I really do love this man. “I’m sure.”

“It’s blunt.”

“That’s okay.”

Dr. Ezra asks, “So, what’s the fear, Jarel?”

“Damon will kill her.”

Dr. Ezra doesn’t have an immediate response to that.

“Me too,” I say to Jarel.

“He’s in jail,” Matt says.

“Because the court system is always fair and just,” Angelo says sarcastically. He looks at Jarel. “You really think that’s possible?”

“You guys weren’t there,” Jarel says. “I’m not trying to put myself above you by looking like the white knight or anything, but I was there, and I did see Damon, and–”

I cut him off. “You were already at the house when the police brought him out?”

“Yes, Val,” he says gently, but there’s an undercurrent of exasperation and sadness. “I was there. Bea too.”

That night lurches into my mind, and I flash back to scenes I never saw. Jarel leaning against his car as Damon screams for a lawyer. Bea pulling up and watching cops force Damon into a police car.

What it must have been like for both of them.

“Matt’s right. Damon’s in jail,” Dr. Ezra says. “Based on what Val told me, I don’t think this is a fear you need to have in the present. There’s no predicting the future, but for now, I think you’re all safe.”

Jarel shakes his head. “Logically, I know you’re right, but… I have a feeling that this isn’t over.”

“Talked to your therapist lately?” Angelo asks.

“We talk about this,” Jarel says, “but the feeling remains.” He watches me and sighs. “And now I’ve scared you.”

Yes.

Yes, he has.

I don’t let myself think about Damon and what the future looks like for his involvement in my life. I share Jarel’s fear, but I don’t think about it.

And now to know that it’s bothered Jarel for so long? How do I fix that?

“I’m sorry, Jarel,” I say softly.

“Don’t be sorry,” he says. “I’m glad I was able to help. Just… be careful.”

“Even when it’s scary or painful, it’s good to talk about these things,” says Dr. Ezra. “You all are going to have to communicate with one another. That’s the only way this works.”

I look at Jarel. “Matt and Angelo are afraid we won’t have a family. You don’t share that fear?”

“No. I know we will. I don’t have any doubts about that.”

“Me neither,” I say, looking at Matt and Angelo. “It’ll happen.”

Maybe I shouldn’t say the next part, but it comes out before I censor myself. “And if everyone gets along as well as they did this weekend, it’ll happen sooner rather than later.”

***

I thank Dr. Ezra as we pile into Angelo’s SUV. He tells me to follow up with him for a debrief in the next couple of weeks, and I promise.

As soon as we’re back on the road, Angelo says, “Well, that was a helluva weekend.”

“I’ll never forget it; that’s for sure,” Matt says.

“I think it should be our anniversary,” Jarel says.

I turn around. “What?”

“This is the day we really committed to each other.” He looks at Matt then makes eye contact with Angelo in the rearview mirror. “Right?”

Angelo moves his head, considering Jarel’s point. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“Maybe we should come back here every year,” Matt suggests.

I beam. They’re thinking about–and committing to–the future.

Our future.

“I love that idea,” I say.

“I think you should meet Julie,” Matt says. “Maybe later this week?”

“Sounds great.”

“When does school end, Matt?” Jarel asks.

“Twenty-six days.”

Angelo chuckles as he turns left.

“Let’s take a trip,” Jarel says. “Maybe just an extended weekend.”

“What about your job?” I ask.

“Vacation days exist for a reason.”

“I agree,” Angelo says. “This summer, the four of us, somewhere far away.”

“You could even bring Bea,” Jarel suggests.

“I need to meet her,” Matt says.

“Yes, you do. Angelo hasn’t spent much time with her either. You both need to get to know her because she’ll always be around.”

Jarel tells Angelo and Matt a little about Bea: her outgoing personality, her compassionate gentleness, and her take-no-shit attitude.

And the three of them begin planning their dates. Should they go together? Should it be one-on-one? Where should we go for our trip?

I look out the window and let them talk to each other, finally not needing me to be the conversational referee.

And we don’t turn on the radio the entire time.

***

Over the next month, the four of us find a rhythm. I see each of them at least once a week, and we continue to plan interesting dates. Some dates are repeats of favorites, others are new experiences, but we have still avoided the dinner-and-a-movie cliche.

Angelo and Matt meet Bea and spend a few hours with her. Matt introduces me to Julie, and the three of us go to the school’s playground for a playdate with her best friend.

Last weekend, Andre and Latrice took a trip, leaving the twins with Angelo’s mother, and I came to family dinner. The twins were delighted to see me, and Jola immediately ran to the bookshelf to have me continue reading the book to them.

I text the guys in the group chat, which has actually become quite lively. It’s not just basic texts either. GIFs, memes, videos, stickers, and emojis fill the digital landscape. Matt shares anecdotes from his last days of the school year, Angelo announces when he sells houses, and Jarel talks about beating levels in his latest video game.

On Matt’s last day of school, the guys throw him a party to celebrate making it through the school year. Bea even comes to partake in the chocolate cake on which Angelo requested they write “You Got Schooled”. Jarel presents a “Best Teacher” mug, and Matt is so touched that he hugs each of them.

“Okay, Val,” Bea says on a Wednesday five weeks after my weekend with the guys. “I didn’t want to be the one to bring this up, but you have got to sleep with these guys again. You slept with them once, and now you’ve made them wait again. You committed to them, and they committed to you, so what’s the problem?”

“I want to, Bea. You have no idea how badly.”

“So?”

“I need to know that the progress they made during our trip will last. It was powerful for sure, but are those changes that stick or revert?”

“I’m not sure if it’s possible to know that,” she says. “Maybe… another group date?

I roll my eyes, more at myself than at her. “Because my track record for group dates has been so great.”

“It’s different now, and you’ll never know until you do it.” She points at me. “It can’t be anywhere that you’ve been with any of them. Neutral ground.”

She’s right, but I don’t have to take that on as a personal project anymore.

This time, I text the guys to offer suggestions, and they offer plenty. I don’t tell them what’s at stake, but maybe they already know.

Could I really have a happy life filled with three great guys, superb sex, and a phenomenal family?

Or is that fantasy too difficult to transform into a reality?