CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT

“It’s normal to be nervous,” Dr. Ezra says, “but you can trust me."

A man and a woman, both in their mid-thirties approach us, and Dr. Ezra gestures toward them. “Let me introduce my friends Sven and Delilah. They’re professionals, and they’ll help you learn the trapeze.”

“We’ll start with the small ones,” Delilah says, pointing at two trapezes, which look like elementary playground equipment next to the one that Jarel is still gawking at. “Once you master the basics, we’ll move to the real one.”

“Obviously, there’s a net,” Sven says, pointing, “but you won’t need it. We’ll keep you safe.”

I touch Angelo’s shoulder and whisper, “You should be a natural, right?”

“Please don’t tell the guys,” he whispers back.

I don’t know if he’s ashamed, embarrassed, or has another reason, and I don’t question him. “No problem.”

Dr. Ezra pairs me with Matt, and the four of us walk to the practice trapeze set.

It takes us half an hour to learn to swing properly, wrap our legs over the bar, and reach out to hold hands with our partner. It’s not easy, but Sven and Delilah are patient teachers, and the four of us take our time.

This would be an easy thing to mock. Jarel’s muscular, tall body isn’t as flexible as mine or Angelo’s, and Matt obviously isn’t used to this much activity.

But no one judges. No one even quips or makes subtle jabs. We are all completely supportive of one another, clapping when someone finally figures it out and consoling them when they don’t quite make it.

By the time we’ve gotten good enough to move to the real trapeze, the adrenaline is already surging.

Sven and Delilah take their positions, and Dr. Ezra points at us as if he’s just now deciding who to pair together. “Jarel and Angelo,” he says, “you’re up first.”

They look at each other with raised eyebrows. Maybe they thought that they would only be defying gravity with me.

They take their positions next to Sven and Deliliah, and Sven gives their instructions and cues. They swing from the bar, lift their legs, allow themselves to let go, and finally reach out and take each other’s hands. Per Dr. Ezra’s instructions, they hold that position for fifteen seconds, then let go and return to the starting point.

They’re all grins when it’s over.

“Jarel, stay up there,” Dr. Ezra calls. “Matt, switch with Angelo.”

Jarel looks more comfortable this time, and the two find their way to each other and back. Again, Matt’s beaming when he comes down.

It’s my turn with Jarel, and he winks at me as Deliliah prepares me.

When I begin to fly, I laugh. I feel like I did on the zip line, but my stomach drops, and the adrenaline is so much stronger because I’m doing it with Jarel instead of alone.

When we wrap our hands around the other’s forearms, we laugh. Dr. Ezra told us to look into each other’s eyes for twenty seconds, so we do.

“Hey, baby,” he says. “How’s your day going?”

“It’s a lot of this.”

“Bea can really pick them.”

“Can’t she?”

We silently stare at one another, and our smiles only grow. I can’t help but laugh. Looking into his eyes is easy, comforting. There’s no tension, sexual or otherwise. He’s definitely still my romantic interest, but we’ve developed a friendship too.

And then I think about our intense kisses. Friendship or not, it’s definitely still plenty hot.

Sven tells us to release, and when we return to our posts, the people on the ground clap.

“Matt, trade places with Jarel,” Dr. Ezra instructs.

I’m feeling more confident when Matt and I begin, and when we connect, he says, “Thank you for arranging this.”

“Enjoying yourself?”

“Why wouldn’t I want to be twenty feet up with my love with only a moderate risk of falling and humiliating myself?”

“I can’t think of a reason,” I say.

“Me neither.”

When I silently stare at him, it’s different than it was with Jarel. There’s a softness and vulnerability in his eyes, and I realize that I want more time with him like this, to learn more about his inner life that I know is rich, but well-guarded.

I know that when his walls finally fall, I'll be allowed to know a whole new Matt.

We let go, and Matt trades places with Angelo.

When Angelo swings, there’s a natural, undeniable gracefulness to his movements. I don’t know why he quit his aerialist endeavors, but it clearly wasn’t for lack of skill.

I’m so caught up in watching him that I miss my cues, and we have to swing back so we can restart.

A month ago, I would’ve wondered if this were a sign. The chemistry and connection just aren’t right and maybe it speaks to the entire relationship.

But that was then, and this is now, and I can easily shrug off a mistake as just that. Angelo and I are still meant to be; I just need to focus.

He points at me, then at himself. I understand his message: Just you and me.

This time I don’t get distracted or retreat into my brain. I commit.

When I grab his arms, he winks. “Better.”

I glance at his left hand and flash him a mischievous smile.

He raises his eyebrows. “You’ll have to really hold onto me.”

“I can do it,” I say, tightening my grip.

Never breaking eye contact, he releases my right arm and slowly traces letters against the sensitive skin below my elbow: I love you.

I bite my bottom lip, and he laughs at my near regret for requesting this tease.

“Worth it,” I say when he stops.

We swing back, and Dr. Ezra requests I finally come down and switch with Matt.

“Have fun?” Jarel asks when I stand beside him.

“More enlightening than I expected, but yes.”

“I thought I’d hate it, but I ended up getting into it,” he says.

“I saw.”

We watch Matt get into position, and even from here, we can see the nervousness build between them. They’re stiff, silent, and all the flexibility and comfort from earlier has died.

“Here we go,” I say.

But it’s not what I expected. They’re both experienced now, and they come together fairly quickly.

“Now hold it,” Dr. Ezra calls to them. “Look into one another’s eyes, and don’t let go until I tell you.”

“Oh boy,” Jarel mumbles.

Surprisingly, neither of them fight it. They do as they’re told, and Dr. Ezra is relentless.

Their facial expressions change from boredom and slight irritation to anxiousness, then to embarrassment, and eventually, to mild amusement.

Still, Dr. Ezra doesn’t say anything.

Jarel rests his arm on my shoulder as we watch the amusement slowly morph into seriousness and something perhaps akin to commiseration. An uncertain sadness and empathy embraces them like a tight hug, connecting them mid-air.

For a moment, I think at least one of them might cry.

“This is wild,” Jarel whispers.

Matt says something, and Angelo shakes his head.

“Okay,” Dr. Ezra says, “swing back.”

The guys silently swing back and return to the ground. They hesitantly walk toward one another and fully wrap their arms around each other.

“Wild,” Jarel repeats.

They hold each other for nearly ten seconds before patting one another on the back and stepping away.

Dr. Ezra just earned his fee.

***

After lunch, Dr. Ezra requests to spend time alone with the guys, and I wander through the woods, texting pictures to Bea.

If Matt and Angelo really did connect, if they really did look past their differences to see the men that I see, maybe I can make even my biggest dreams a reality.

I rub my hand against the bark of the trees as I walk, and I think about my dreams of a big family. The pregnancies. The diapers. The first laughs, steps, and words. The homework, sports games, holidays, and family pictures. The groundings, arguments, and irritabilities. The trips, graduations, and birthdays.

I think about all of it, and I smile the entire time.

I don’t know the logistics of how I accomplish that family, but as the leaves crunch beneath my feet in Frost’s “yellow wood”, I know that I want it.

And I want it with them.

All of them.

I grasp a small tree, and I spin myself around it.

Going in circles, just as I have been for months.

Somewhere in the distance, I hear a man call my name. Then another.

I release the tree and begin the hike back to my guys.

This time in a straight line.