Chapter 53 What If I Don't Compare?
Chapter 53 What If I Don't Compare?
Gracie
I am sitting with Lola at the café, having coffee. I suggested coffee because I really need to talk to someone I trust about something important, and Lola always helps me understand my feelings.
“Lola, can I ask you something?”
She smiles and nods. “Yes, of course. What is on your mind?”
I take a deep breath, my hands trembling with nervousness. I am not used to discussing these topics, and my heart pounds. “How did you know you were ready for sex the first time?” I whisper, my voice barely audible, terrified someone might overhear.
“Honestly, Gracie, I don’t think I was ready. I convinced myself I was, but looking back, I really wasn’t. I wish Ben had been my first,” she says softly, a sadness in her eyes, regret heavy in her tone.
Lola lost her virginity at fifteen to a guy she thought loved her, but he didn't. He dumped her after, and Lola didn't take it lightly; she punched him. No one messes with Lola.
“Do you regret having sex, or do you mean you regret it was with the wrong person?”
“I mean, having it with the wrong person. I enjoy it very much, but with Ben it is different, in the best possible way. Why do you ask?”
“I-I-I think I am ready to take that step with Ryland,” I reply nervously.
“Are you certain? I don’t want you to rush into anything, Gracie, especially since this is your first relationship.”
“I have been thinking about it a lot. Tonight would be a great opportunity, as we have the house to ourselves.”
Ben and Lola are unaware that I have moved in with Ryland and his mom. I keep it from them because I know it would open up questions I am not ready to answer yet. I want to control who knows and when.
“Does Ryland know you have been thinking about it?”
“No. I want it to be a surprise. He is always the first to do and say things. I want to know something first for a change.” I smile.
“Gracie, are you one hundred per cent sure you are ready for this? It is a huge step.”
“Yes, I love him, and he loves me. I don’t need to tell you that he has been nothing but patient and incredible to me; you already know that.”
He hasn't pressured me.
“Follow not only your heart, Gracie. Follow your head, too.”
Lola is only looking out for me, the way she always does.
“Every part of me is ready for it, for him.” I smile.
Lola returns the smiles and nods. “Then go for it.”
Yes, I am ready, but I am also nervous and worried. Ryland has been with plenty of girls, I am sure. I don’t want to know the exact number. I know he has a past, and that doesn’t bother me, but now that it’s with me, I worry he’ll unconsciously compare me to them. It’s not jealousy—it’s insecurity about my lack of experience. What if I am terrible? What if I don’t do it for him?
Sighing, I run my fingers through my hair as doubt floods my mind. “Lola, what if I don’t compare to those other girls? What if I can’t make him happy?”
"Gracie, you can’t compare to them, not because you lack experience, but because Ryland loves you. The others meant nothing. You mean everything. Trust me, you have nothing to worry about," Lola says, locking eyes with me.
Lola has a point. He loves me, so that does make things different. I hope.
“I know, but what if I am no good? What if, um, I don’t turn him on?”
“Are you kidding me? You turn that boy on by just kissing him.” She snickers.
I laugh and shake my head. “There is a difference between kissing and having sex.”
"Gracie, don’t worry about not turning him on. He’s crazy about you. He practically drools when you're near."
A loud laugh escapes from my lips at her choice of words. She smirks and shrugs. I think drooling is an exaggeration.
“I hope my non-existent experience doesn’t get in the way.”
“I am sure Ryland will keep you right.”
Lola and I chat about it for the next half an hour. I appreciate her advice and tips because she understands my anxiety and wants me to feel prepared, not pressured. I do feel better after talking with her. My overthinking was making my nerves worse. When the moment is right, I’ll go for it, rather than planning it, because I know overplanning will only make me more nervous.
“Are you on birth control?”
“No, because it isn’t something I have had to think about or needed before.”
"Okay, we'll get condoms. Make an appointment for birth control. I can go with you if you want," she smiles.
"Yes, I need protection. He may have some, but I’ll get more. I’ll make an appointment too."
“We can pick some up from the store now before we go home,” she says.
“Thank you for today. I would truly be lost without you.” I smile, overwhelmed by gratitude.
Lola grins at me. “What are best friends for?”
Once we finish our coffee, we stop by the store for condoms before Lola drops me off at Ryland’s place.
“Have fun and remember, don’t overthink.” She encourages and pats my knee.
“I will try not to.”
“I want details tomorrow.” She smirks.
I laugh, of course, she does. “Why doesn’t that surprise me?”
I hug her goodbye, my heart pounding with a mix of excitement and fear, grab my things and head for the door.