Chapter Thirty One: Lacey

I hadn’t spoken to or seen Ezra in over a week, and while I wanted to tell myself that I was finally moving on, it didn’t really feel like it some days. Mostly I stayed holed up in my apartment, curtains drawn and wine on hand. I kept the door locked and didn’t answer it for anyone, especially Ezra, even though sometimes I felt like he was the only person I wanted to talk to and the very person I couldn’t bear to see.

“He’s a sopping mess,” Tilly said over the phone one Friday night. It was only the second time I’d spoken to her since I’d left, but I knew I had to socialize with someone before I buried myself completely into the black pit of depression. In the background, I could hear music playing in the club, vibrating against the walls, seducing all the clubgoers into a good time.

“Yeah, well, that’s nothing new.” I clicked on another employment website on my computer with a sigh, looking for any openings in the city for a manager or bookkeeper at a club that wasn’t Club Phoenix.

“No, he’s really bad,” said Tilly. “He spends most of his time in his apartment now. We barely see him come out.”

“He’s probably got a gaggle of women to bow to his every need,” I said, forcing a chuckle, but Tilly didn’t laugh.

“He doesn’t, Lacey. He just sleeps. And drinks. He sleeps and drinks.”

My heart felt like it could shatter for my best friend for a moment. I never enjoyed seeing him in so much pain. But just as soon as I felt the heartbreak come on, I remembered just how I’d felt watching him invalidate my feelings right in front of me. My sympathy was running out.

“I don’t know what to tell you,” I said coolly, angry that Tilly was trying to make this my problem. “Sounds like he needs a therapist. Or more sex.”

Tilly was quiet for a moment, and I thought she’d hung up the phone for a second. “He needs you, Lacey,” she said finally, her voice soft. “He needs you.”

“I’m sorry, Til.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, hoping the tremble in my voice wasn’t evident to her. “I can’t help. I love Ezra, but—he doesn’t share the same feelings, and that’s toxic for me. It’s not healthy for me to be around him every day. I need to move on with my life. And if that means that I have to leave him and the club, then it’s what I’m going to do. I don’t want to be someone’s second or third choice. I deserve better.”

“You do,” agreed Tilly. “But he still needs you, and I think you need him, too.”

“I don’t need anybody,” I muttered bitterly. “I’ve been dependent on Ezra for far too long. What I need, Til is a god damn break.”

“Are you okay?” she asked, the concern in her voice evident. “I’m really worried about you. Both of you. Can I come over and see you tonight?”

“I’m not up for company.” I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples, feeling the ache of an oncoming migraine approaching. “But maybe soon, okay? I promise. I’m fine.”

“Somehow, I don’t believe that.”

“You don’t need to.”

“I’m going to call again tomorrow,” Tilly promised. “You better answer.”

“We’ll see.” I smiled despite myself, wishing I could hug my friend. I did miss her; I missed her a lot. But right now, all I could tolerate was being alone.

“Love ya, sis,” she said, and we bid our goodbyes. I set my cell phone aside and focused on the computer screen before me, sending in online applications and resumes for anything that looked like it could be a potential fit. At around ten PM, the growl of my stomach reminded me that it was time to eat something that wasn’t boozy, liquified grapes, and I grabbed my phone to order some food to be delivered. I felt tired as I waited, as though I hadn’t been sleeping twenty hours a day since walking out of Club Phoenix. I knew that my tiredness wasn’t due to lack of sleep but emotional turmoil instead. Depression.

There was a knock on the door at ten-fifteen, and I rushed to open it, stomach grumbling. But as the front door swung open, it wasn’t the delivery person with my order, and I took a startled step back, caught completely off guard.

“What do you want, Ezra?” I asked, running a hand over my face. “It’s late, and I’m about to go to bed.”

That was a total lie, but he didn’t need to know that.

“I want to talk to you, Lacey,” he said. His voice was raw and scratchy, different from his usual cocky tone. Tilly was right; he looked like shit. But then again, I knew I did, too. But even despite that, even despite my annoyance at him showing up right now, my heart seemed to melt a little bit as I stared at my best friend. He was still him. He was still Ezra.

And I was still hurt. And angry.

“What do you want to talk about?” I snapped. “That’s what cell phones are for.” I stepped aside to let him in, mostly because I knew that if I didn’t, he’d just pester me until I did. He stepped through the doorway almost sheepishly, hands shoved deep into the pockets of his jeans, hunkered down a bit instead of standing tall and arrogant like he was prone to do.

“As if you’ve been answering your phone,” he said softly. I expected him to sit down or go to the fridge for a beer like he used to do with every visit, but he did neither of those things. Instead, he stood there and looked around as though my apartment was some new, unfamiliar territory to him.

“Well, then get on with it,” I snapped, going to the cupboard to get a glass of water. “I have an interview in the morning that I don’t want to be tired for.”

“An interview?” he repeated. “Where at?”

“A different club downtown,” I told him. “Good pay, decent benefits, and I don’t have to stand around and watch you shove your tongue down random stranger’s throats.”

Ezra looked away when I said this as if he couldn’t face me, and a small burst of satisfaction traveled through me. I wanted him to hurt. I wanted him to hurt like he’d hurt me.

“I’m sorry, Lacey,” he said, shaking his head. “I had no idea how much I was hurting you.”

“Sure, you did,” I told him, crossing my arms over my chest. “I think deep down you’ve always known.”

“Known what?”

“My—my feelings for you.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Forget about it.” Annoyed, I turned away from him, heading for the door to open it and kick him out. But before I could walk away, Ezra grabbed me by the arm, whirling me around, his brow furrowed, jaw set in an intense line.

“When we were in Hawaii, you told me that it was just a one-time thing,” he growled, pushing me against the kitchen counter. I resisted, but not much. I knew I couldn’t overpower Ezra even if I wanted to, and I also knew that he would never actually hurt me. “You made it clear that it was a one-time thing, and when I confirmed it, you didn’t fight it. Do you remember that?”

I hesitated before nodding because, of course, I remembered that. I also remembered him saying nearly the same exact thing when I’d confronted him about it.

“I wasn’t the only one,” I reminded him bitterly, shoving him off me. Ezra took a step back, but he didn’t retreat, and neither did I. “When I asked you the same thing, you said we were just friends. Friends with benefits, anyway. How should I have responded to that, Ezra? Were you lying?”

“Were you?” he asked, and those gold-speckled eyes narrowed in my direction, scoping me out, reading me like an open book. I swallowed the hesitation in my throat, feeling tears press against the back of my eyeballs.

“I guess that’s the question of the day, isn’t it?” I asked softly. “Who was lying? Both of us? Neither of us?”

Ezra shook his head and took another step back, but I stepped with him this time, keeping a mere short distance between the two of us. After a moment, I reached out and took his hands, squeezing them just as I used to do when we were kids.

“I don’t know what you want from me, Lacey,” he said softly, his body visibly relaxing as my thumbs caressed the top of his hands.

“And I don’t know what you want from me, either,” I whispered. “Do you?”

After a moment that seemed to go on for far too long, Ezra pulled me against him, his fingers stroking the back of my head, holding me, comforting me. I wanted to pull away from him, to make him fight for it, but I couldn’t do it. All I could do was succumb to him, just like I had so many times before.

“I want you,” he said finally, lips brushing the top of my head. “I’ve always wanted you, Lacey, and I’ve never been able to say it out loud. Because—because I couldn’t lose you. I couldn’t risk losing the number one most important person in the world to me.” A tear finally escaped and slid down my cheek, and Ezra held me out to gently brush it away. “Don’t cry,” he said, forcing an awkward chuckle. “That wasn’t meant to make you cry.”

I chuckled and shook my head, burying my face in his shirt briefly before I could face him again. “Ezra, for as long as I’ve known you, I’ve wanted to hear those words come out of your mouth,” I said softly. “I’ve loved you so much, for so long, and all this time, I thought I might not survive watching you love so many other women.”

“I never loved any other woman,” said Ezra, brushing another tear from my face. “Not ever. I was with those women so I wouldn’t obsess about my best friend. Do you understand that? They were a damn distraction from you and nothing more. I—” he took a deep, shaky breath. “I didn’t mean to hurt you all this time. I thought there was no way you could reciprocate my feelings, and even if you did, I was terrified that I might not be able to provide you what you needed the most—unconditional love. And what if things went bad? What if—what if we ended up like Tabitha and Kevin? Out of love, angry, and hating each other?”

I shook my head, standing on my tiptoes to brush my lips across his. Ezra kissed me back, softly at first, and then with more passion, more desire. He pulled me firmly against him, body pressed against mine, holding me captive against him.

“That will never happen,” I assured him softly. “We’ve been through hell and back together, Ezra. We’ve had our trials and errors and survived them all. We will not end up like your parents because we’ve loved each other for this long. What’s a little longer?”

Ezra pressed his forehead against mine, closing his eyes, and for a moment, we just stood there, wrapped in each other’s arms, savoring the moment that we didn’t want to end.

“Lacey,” he whispered, lips brushing my forehead. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I realized over this last week that I can’t survive without you, and why should I try? You’re my everything. You always have been.”

“What are you saying, Ezra?”

“I’m saying that I want to marry you,” he said, his eyes searching mine for any spark of hesitation.

Before I could respond to this, Ezra dropped to one knee in front of me, pulling out a small box from his back pocket. He opened it in front of me, holding it out, and a brilliant, glistening diamond ring shone from the box. I swallowed, feeling unsteady on my feet. Now that I had not been expecting.

“Lacey,” he said softly. “I want to marry you, and I want to have babies with you. I want to grow old together and raise a family. I want you. That’s all I want. I want you. Will you—will you marry me?”