Chapter 192 Since when?
Chapter 192 Since when?
It’s not Calum’s fault. But I’m still upset. I don’t know if I’m allowed to be upset after hearing his side of the story, but it’s what I feel. Like the man said, I have this pent up resentment and anger to expel, and it won’t just disappear into thin air because he told me he lost his memory. That fact is only enough to ease the anger momentarily but it always comes back. I’m hurt and don’t forgive him. I can’t. Not so soon, anyway.
I fold the last batch of Amelia’s things into the box on her bed. The action draws tears to my eyes, but I guess it’s a good thing I still know how to cry. Exiting the room, I shut the door with my foot. The sound catches Calum’s attention. It doesn’t matter what I say, he’s still here. He went to his hotel for a change of clothes. And now, he is back. I may have been a bit harsh with my words. Scratch that, I was very harsh.
Dad thinks it a good idea for him to stay in Mace’s room. I agree, but how do I tell him that? He already thinks the worse of me. Well, we both think the worse of each other. I push those thoughts out of my mind as I approach the living room.
Calum sits up. I feel his gaze follow me up the stairs. Dad dropped by to take Mace so we could get a chance to talk but I’ve been stalling. He’s going to just bring up the idea of talking to a therapist. I don’t need one.
Why did Amelia write only him a letter?
I enter my room and drop the box at the foot of the bed. I have to send some of her things back to Wells. A knock from the door stops me in my tracks. I ignore it, but it only sounds again. He needs to go away.
“Cathy, I know you’re in there and you can hear me.” The knob twists, and my heart beats a sharp rhythm. “I’m coming in.”
True to Calum’s words, he steps inside. My back goes stiff. I’m lost for my words as he bridges the gap. Why is he smiling? He was in a better mood when he returned. Is there someone at the hotel? If there is, I don’t care. He sits on the bed without an invitation. His head jerks towards the box.
“Are those her things?” he whispers.
“Yeah. I want to send them back home.”
Silence falls over us. My knees buckle and I lower myself beside him. His hand covers mine. I look up but he stares straight ahead. The red spreading to his cheeks is the only indication he’s conscious of his actions.
“She worried so much about you,” he says.
“I might have been a brat,” I mutter.
Calum laughs. “I don’t think that’s true.”
He’s a liar. Only a few days in London, and I already told him so many mean and hateful things. He’s being a gentleman.
“I was annoying.” I withdraw my hand from under his. Calum doesn’t speak but inches closer to me. I don’t know why I rest my head on his shoulder. It’s probably another moment of weakness, and my body is too tired of fighting my brain and heart. They want different things. My brain wants me to remember the pain. My heart wants me to remember him. “I probably still am.”
“Maybe, but that’s part of what makes you who you are.” I raise my head. Our eyes meet. His blues are clear with emotions. “I love you and your flaws, Miss Catherine Jenkins,” he breathes out. His lips part, he closes them and sighs softly. “I never stopped loving you. You’re my superstar, my melody, my heartbeat. Even when I hadn’t recovered my memories, I knew a part of me was missing. You, superstar.”
“Calum,” I whisper.
“I don’t want us to continue the rest of our lives fighting each other all the time. Our parents fucked us up once,” he says in a voice that sounds like a plea. I try to speak but he shakes his head. “Mum replied your emails, not me, Cathy. She fucked up. Why do we have to fuck each other up? Why do we have to suffer for something they did?”
Raw emotions rush through me. It’s all too much at once. My heart recognises the strongest emotion. Fear. Calum scarred me. He left when I needed him. Though I know it wasn’t his fault, my heart cannot handle another relationship. It’s a constant battle in my head. I don’t know if I can ever get over my fear of being left again. He still has his Europe tour. After that, he has to move to his home. And his home is no longer with me. It’s in New York with his band.
“I don’t love you anymore, Calum.”
Calum’s shoulders slump and his arms drop to his sides. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but he needs to move on from us. We are something of the past.
“Since when?” he asks. His eyes are hopeful like Mace when he sees his feeding bottle.
Since now.
Since yesterday.
Since he broke my heart.
“Since when does it matter?” I say instead. That light in his eyes dies. Guilt pinches my stomach and I flatten my palms on my belly to avoid reaching out for him in a hug. “I’ve moved on, Calum Dissick. You should, too.”
“Can we at least be friends?” he asks.
“How possible do you think that is?”
Friendship is not a word in our dictionary. We tried that once, when our emotions were still a bit under control and it didn’t work out. How possible would it be now that we have a son and too much hurt?
Calum slides one leg on the bed. His hand sneaks behind to cup my neck. I lick my lips dry. He’s looking at me like he wants to kiss me. It doesn’t help that I want to do the same.
“Very.” His head lowers. His breath fans my face before he leans in to test me. His lips brush mine. I don’t pull back, I don’t punch him. “I think you’re still in love with me.”
“You’re so full of yourself,” I counter.
“Maybe. But I know you’ll never hurt me.”
My heart melts. He came with his full tank to break down my walls. “That’s not what you said the other night,” I remind him. I don’t want to confront that day, but my voice goes low and I whisper, “Like father, like daughter. I pointed a gun at you, remember? I could have hurt you, Calum.”
His finger strokes the nape of my neck. If I wasn’t seated, my legs would have given in.
“But you didn’t,” he says. “You’re nothing like Pete and I’m so sorry for saying that.”
Our eyes collide. His gaze drops to my lips and holds. If he kisses me, lines will blur. I will have no more defence against him.
“Is this how sweet you are to other girls before kissing them?” I half-tease. An image creeps into my head. An Instaagram post. “Or am I special because of Mace?”
Calum chuckles. I don’t think I ever forgot about that one girl he kissed last year. She might not grace his page anymore but the image of them kissing is burned in my memory.
“There was only one girl,” Calum whispers against my lips. I believe him. I don’t know why. He hasn’t spoken another word but I know whatever he will say after this is the truth. “And she was a mistake, the biggest one I ever made. The kiss was a PR stunt. I won’t mention her name because she doesn’t matter. But you, Cathy? You do.”
A sound locks at the back of my throat.
“You are special, not only because of Mace but because of who you are, Cathy. You mean the whole world to me,” he whispers. I gulp. His eyes are the gateway to his soul and I see the love. “If I could take away all your hurt, I would do that in a heartbeat, Superstar. You need to know how much you mean to me. You mean everything.”
A tear drops to my cheek. Calum’s lips press to mine, but we don’t kiss. Going again, he teases me with his lips, taking my bottom lip between his. His tongue runs over my lip, he slides it into my mouth and I open up for him. I’m consumed by his taste. Mint. Smoke. Donuts. My hands loop around his neck, and I accept all he has to offer. We break away to catch our breath, but that second with our lips apart feels too long, and he leans in to continue the kiss.
His hands drop to my chest. A squeeze of my boob and I moan into his mouth. I shiver at the contact of a warm hand on my belly. Tingles spread through me, guiding my action as I pull my top over my head.
Calum discards his shorts and top with the same speed. The next time we separate, our eyes gloss over. He stares at me, searching for answers, wanting me to use my words.
“I don’t want to rush you into anything,” he murmurs.
Mr Dissick won’t get my words because his admission rendered me speechless. I unhook my bra and let it drop to the floor. If I think too much about it, I might change my mind. And I don’t want to. Our world is not perfect, but I want to take advantage of this moment where I am his entire universe. Calum swallows. His hands reach for my breast, and he plays with a nipple.
“Cathy,” he croaks out. My nipples harden even more. “God. I missed you, superstar.”
So did I. He pushes my shoulders gently to the bed. His mouth closes over one nipple and I shove my fingers into his hair. Pleasure erupts behind my closed eyes. I let out a moan through gritted teeth, my body submitting to his mouth and fingers that trail down to my legs. He makes quick work of my shorts, pulling it down along with my panties. A gasp catches in my chest. His fingers dance over my warmth, sinking in slowly like he isn’t sure I want this.
“Cal,” I whisper. He lets go of one nipple to focus on the other as a finger slides into my wetness. I buck. My back arches over the bed. I need him. Now. My hands find their way down to his dick. Using my thumb, I rub the precum all over his shaft and under his crown. He groans, biting my nipple. I giggle. I’m all too sensitive. “Mr Dissick.”
Calum stops. His head jerks up and he grins sheepishly. In one move, his cock fills my entrance. We both go rigid. Different feelings unfurl in my belly. From the look in Calum’s eyes, he feels them as well.
His eyes connect with mine, he thrusts once and says, “I love you. I’ll always love you.”
My eyes brim with tears. For the first time in a while, they are not tears of sadness. My baby daddy smiles, and his head drops to my shoulder. With a few more thrusts, we reach our orgasm. I hug him tight, ignoring the weight of his body on mine. Maybe my forty-seconds man is right, and I’m still in love with him.