I stared into the guarded eyes, only seeing hatred and anger seeping through them. The chiseled jaw locked in place, showing how determined he was in beating me, in avenging his brother. I felt my resolve and the determination that was swirling in my pit dissolve for a split second when I remembered why he was doing this.
Don’t I deserve to be beaten to death? Wouldn’t I have done the same for Bryant? Was what I did to Bryant, killing him, not big enough of a sin on my part? Am I even worthy of any redemption? Do I even have the right to walk on this Earth for all the things I’ve done?
I hesitated for only a split second but that was all the opening Cole needed to slam me down on the ground. He kept me fixed on the spot with his bare hand.
“You took everything away from my brother. Do you not have a conscience?! Don’t you feel any remorse?!” He screamed at my face and I can feel some of his spit hit the side of my face from how close he was.
I wanted to scream at him, to tell him that yes, I did feel remorse; that yes, I did have a conscience that was screaming at me to stop fighting him. That I wanted nothing more than to stop fighting him. That I didn’t want to fight him from killing me because maybe death was what I deserved. That maybe death was the only thing I deserved; for getting my brother killed, for ruining two men’s lives, endangering my loved ones’ lives. All because I was selfish and self-centered. I brought all of this upon myself. No one else should suffer from the mistakes I’ve made.
But instead of all these thoughts I had, all these words that I wanted to scream at him, all that came out was a choked but hard “no.”
It was as if I wasn’t speaking, as if someone else took over my body and my voice and rendered me helpless; powerless.
At my response, Cole’s grip on my neck tightened and I saw black spots cloud my vision. I felt my head losing whatever weight it had and I felt my lungs heaving, begging for air. Cole dragged me up onto my feet by my neck. All I could do was claw at his hands in a weak attempt to get rid of the block on my windpipe.
A part of me was scared of what’s waiting on the other side. Will Bryant be there with me? Will he be disappointed of what I’ve become, what I’ve done? A part of me was begging myself to let go, to stop fighting and give up. That part was tired of this life, of hurting people after people. That part of me was sick of being the cause of people’s misery.
This man was going to kill me, though. Whether I liked it or not. I can’t defeat him. He was strong, and even though he was angry and full of vengeance, he didn’t let those emotions to cloud his judgment and make him reckless. He was smart and he was strong. I don’t think I could beat him.
I was going to die, ruining a man’s life even more so than I already have. I was going to make him a killer if I didn’t stop him.
I had to try, I had to try and stop that from happening. I can't die knowing I'm making someone bear the weight of being a killer to send me on my way to the afterlife.
I thought about the kids that I saw walking with Cole in the park and the mental image gave me a boost of adrenaline. Do it for them, Casey. You have to do it for them.
Have you ever seen that moment in the movies where the good guy remembers a memory that suddenly gives them a brighter fire of determination, super strength and immortality all of a sudden? Yeah, that didn’t happen. I made sure my last heaving breath counted as I flailed in Cole’s unforgiving grip. My vision was blackening and I was surprised I haven’t died yet. But when I felt my lungs starting to collapse, I know my time was coming to an end.
I thought about all the people that I've failed; my parents, Bryant, Jerry, Preston, Adam, the kids, Mr. Huang, Cole’s brother, Cole himself, the kids he was with, and everyone else that were going to be in danger because of me. And with my last thought, I apologized to every single one of them. Especially to the kids I saw Cole with. I apologized to them for making Cole a killer and I apologized for messing their lives up at such a tender age. God knows what their relations were to Cole and his brother.
They depended on Cole and his brother and when they find out that Cole killed someone; that I made Cole kill me, I can’t imagine how they feel. I was running out of air and my visions was fading.
‘That's was never a good sign,’ was my last thought before I jolted out of the nightmare. My eyes snapped open only to meet complete darkness. I felt around my surroundings and melted into the familiarity of my smooth duvet. My fingers soon reached the hard surface of my phone. I pressed the home button to light up its screen.
The time showed 2 a.m. and I let my eyes close once again, turning my phone off so that the bright light doesn’t hurt my eyes any further. That was one scary dream. I couldn’t stop wondering over the ‘what if’ it became more than a dream. What if I hesitated and gave him that chance to kill me.
The dream was a true wake up call. That I cannot wallow in this guilt. I cannot let him kill me. I cannot let him turn into a killer. I cannot disappoint those who rely on me to keep them safe. It was my initial choice; to start street fighting. I chose this life and I will continue to live with the consequences I brought upon myself. But I refuse to go down without fighting. I chose to join this competition. Although I didn’t know that decision would entail to such a dangerous situation to everyone I love, the only thing I can do is protect them as best as I can.
Police weren’t an option. If they would only arrest me, I won't be able to protect my family. Even if they did try to help, the second their badges are seen by the other street fighters, there would be a bounty on my head.
There was no other way out.
I had the urge to curl up into a ball, feeling like a trapped little mouse, but I refuse to succumb to that weaker side of me. If I let myself wallow in self-pity, I’ll never crawl out of it.
The next fight is in three days and it’s going to be the last fight before the semi-finals. I would be lying if my nerves weren’t putting me on edge. I was so close. I need to get through to the finals and win this. I cannot let others suffer the damage I brought onto my own life. I will win this.
I woke up hours later only to crave some ice cream. I quickly got up and checked my fridge only to see that my stock of frozen sweets had ran out. I didn’t waste much time on getting ready and headed out to restock my fridge with ice creams.
I drove to the nearest convenient store, which was 15 minutes away, where I know I’ll find myself some Ben & Jerry’s. Come to mama, boys.
I pushed the glass door open and walked the aisle to get to the back of the store where the fridges were lined up. I was in the process of scanning through the contents of the fridges, trying to find the section where my favorite buckets were, when I heard the squeals of children behind me. I slightly turned around to take a glimpse at the kids and was about to go back to minding my own business when I recognized them. They were the kids that hung around Cole.
I immediately froze and surveyed the store to look out for their brother. Lucky for me, I didn’t see him anywhere. I sighed a small breath of relief before contemplating on whether or not I should approach the children.
I wanted to know more about my opponent’s weakness. I was normally not one to blackmail someone for my own personal gains; especially now that I have an experience of being in the receiving end of said blackmail; but my family and all the people that I love were counting on me. Any valuable information I could get on Cole could be crucial.
I eyed the kids. The girl, I suspect is the most approachable one, with her doe like eyes and innocent expression. But she didn't look like she’d know much about Cole since she looked 4, the age when where everything revolves around her own personal bubble.
The oldest looking boy looked wary of everything around him. That showed that he knew something about what his brother was doing. There's no other reason for a kid his age to look so wary.
The children were accompanied by a woman whose age was shown in the lines on the edges of her eyes and lips. She was smiling at the little girl while the other two boys looked around for the different kinds of sweets. Before I could continue to make a plan on how to approach the family, the younger boy noticed me looking. At the sight of me his eyes grew wide. My heart thudded in my chest, afraid that he’d know my intentions of subtly interrogating them and alerting his family of my presence.
It was impossible for him to know about my intentions unless he was psychic but that didn’t stop my mind from assuming that he did.
All my worries vanished when his face broke into a huge grin and he ran towards me. I probably looked alarmed but I didn’t think it fazed him because he barreled straight into me, barely able to stop himself before he crashed into me. I held the little guy steady. His grin looked permanent on his face.
“I remember you! You’re that girl from the park!” He greeted me. I was confused for a moment before I remembered gave my wallet back to me at the pack. I gave him a smile of my own as I nodded.
“I remember you too. You helped return my belonging to me before I could lose it. Thank you for that.” I thanked him, messing his hair up a little. The little guy started blushing before giving me a toothy grin. Such a cute kid.
“Alex? What are you doing there? Stop bothering the young lady and come choose your treat or you’re not getting any.” The woman called out before giving me a soft smile.
“I’m sorry about that,” the woman addressed me as Alex ran back to the other children who were picking out their treats.
“Don’t worry about it,” I gave the woman a smile. I decided to test my luck. As I prayed that I didn’t cause any suspicion to grow in the woman, I asked her a question.
“Are they your grandchildren?” I asked her. She gave me a small chuckle while shaking her head to answer my question.
“They’re my children.” My lips popped open slightly in shock before I recovered. The woman laughed even more at my reaction.
“I get that a lot. Truth is, I used to be their foster mom before I decided I couldn't let them go back to the system. So, I adopted them.” She told me. I tried to process this as quickly as I could, trying to connect the dots as best as I could. Before I could ask any more questions, she beat me to it. Her expression growing solemn as she watched the children run around the store, playing with each other.
“It probably wasn’t a good idea to adopt all three children when your barely have any financial stability wasn’t at its best but I don’t regret it you know? They’re my angels and I don’t love them any less than I do my own sons.” She sighed. The adoration she had for the children was painfully obvious. After what she said, things were starting to become clearer. This woman may be Cole’s mother and these children are his brothers and sister.
The woman definitely looked old enough to be Cole’s mother but her kind eyes made the guilt in me grow. I had no doubt that someone with a mother like her would grow into a gentle person. The amount of love that shines in her eyes for the children that weren’t even biologically hers hinted me on how much she must love her own flesh and blood. There was no doubt in my heart that Cole’s actions were a result of what I did and.
I could feel myself getting choked up, the guilt of what I have done to Cole hit me in waves. I couldn’t hide my glassy eyes from the woman standing in front of me but I tried my best to wave off her concern.
“Seeing how much love you have for these children is touching is all.” I told her, only giving the half-truth.
I quickly took my leave, ice cream long forgotten as I rushed to my car. I opened the car door and slipped into the driver’s seat, I stared at the steering wheel for the longest time, trying to not break down.
But not a moment later I felt tears start to slip out of my eyes and I could practically hear my heart breaking. My hands turned into fists and I started hitting my head violently. The dull throb failed to soothe the guilt that was exploding in me. I gave up after a while and dug the heel of my palm into my lidded eyes and stayed that way. I wept and wept, not knowing what to do with myself anymore.
Dear God, what have I done? Am I even worthy enough to be forgiven after all the damage that I have done?