Chapter 50: 38-1

"Noona." I don't dare make a noise. I just sit, frozen in place as I stare at my pencil. After a pause, he speaks again. "Are you there?" I don't know what to say, I don't even know if I want to say anything. I'd rather just listen to him talk. "Noona," his voice falters, "please." It's nearing midnight on a weekday so logically, I would be in my room or at least at home. I sigh when I realize I can't hide my voice much longer. I slowly rise from my chair and walk to my bed. "I will make a hole in the wall if I need to." My lips turn upwards at the corners from his slightly joking tone. I sit down and come close to the wall "I'm here," is all I say. "Noona, can we meet?" "Not right now, please. I'm really tired—it's late." "Oh, of course, were you asleep? I'm sorry," he mumbles apologetically. "Then—um, tomorrow?" I swear I can feel him as I lean on the wall with my face flush against it. When I close my eyes and listen closely, it's like I can feel him, his cheek against mine. "Please," he softly whispers, clear desperation hanging onto the simple word. "Okay." I can't sleep. Much like when I couldn't sleep knowing he wasn't in his room, again I can't sleep knowing he is right there. . . . Everything seems to be moving slower than usual when I wake up. I feel irritated the whole day, just waiting and waiting for the time we agreed to meet to arrive. I end up leaving early, heading to the place he suggested meeting. Once I'm here, in a lovely park close to the river, I find a tree and sit against it. The weather is pleasant today, which helps to soothe my nerves. The trees are beginning to grow their blossoms, pink and white petals softly blooming on the branches like carefully placed snowflakes. It's warm out. March is reaching it's centre and the Spring seems to be knocking eagerly behind Winter's door. I don't realize that I've been lying against the tree with my eyes closed for over thirty minutes until a shadow is cast over me, taking my sunshine away from me. Sure enough, when I open my eyes, Jaewook stands with a nervous expression on his face. "Hi," he simply says before sitting down in front of me, legs crossed like a child. He immediately puts his hands to work, picking at the grass. "I don't know where to begin." He stares at the ground as he says this. "You better start somewhere," I say with more power then I thought I had. He briefly looks up at me and cowers his head. "Right..." I hate this. I hate how much I want to touch you right now. I need to stay strong and hold my ground, but all my body wants to do is reach out and touch your hands. "I'm sorry. I got news about something when you were in the bathroom, and I couldn't think straight. I wasn't thinking, I wasn't keeping your feelings in mind." "I understand that things happen, but what am I supposed to think if you won't tell me anything?" "I know." "I was hurt. I don't know what type of guy you are in school, I'd like to think you're the same, but the way you acted around that girl made me second guess myself." "I know," is again all he can say. I pause, giving him time to think or say something more, but when he doesn't I decide to continue. "Jaewook, do you still like me?" My authoritative tone vanishes as my insecurity pokes through. He looks up at me with round eyes and a slightly open mouth. "What? Why would you ask that?" Now it's my turn to look downwards. "Because, you liked me for so many years and I feel like now that I like you too, you've lost interest or something." A baffled laugh leaves his mouth for a second. "Seriously?" I keep looking down at a particular petal that has prematurely fallen. "Beautiful," his hands finally take action and hold onto mine. The sudden contact causes me to look up in shock. "There's not one day where I grow tired of you. Not one. Hell, I still feel like I need to chase after you—you're just on a whole different level. Don't ever worry about that." My lips press together as I grow embarrassed. I don't like showing such insecurities to him. "I—I'm," it's hard to make the words leave my mouth. Being so vulnerable in front of him, in front of anyone is terrifying. "I'm still a person Jaewook, a girl. I'm not superhuman or anything, I'm not invincible. I get anxious and insecure like any other girl. I guess—just, I try not to show that to you. But—" my stupid tears have pushed their way to my eyes despite my efforts to push them back. Jaewook moves closer, his hands leaving mine to wipe the tears with his thumbs. "But I just need reassurance sometimes. I need you to take care of me sometimes instead of vice versa. I need you to show me off proudly when some girl hits on you, just like how I stood up for us when Hansoo tried to hit on me. I need to still feel like a girl, I want to feel protected. As dumb as it all sounds," I mutter. "It's not dumb, I understand," his hands continue to hold my face as he gets even closer, his eyes frantically searching through my own. "I shouldn't put so much weight on your shoulders."