Questions

We are sitting in Bluebird on the King's Road, just around the corner from the house. Breakfast has been ordered and I am sipping on a cup of tea gratefully, having never actually gotten around to drinking the one Alex brought me in the bath. Away from the house and Alex's 'distractions', my head is bursting with questions. I think it is the researcher part of me that means I am never fully satisfied until I have covered all my bases.

Alex sits back, appraising me. "Talk to me, Liv. What's going through that mind of yours? I can see the cogs turning."

I stare at the table, picking at the serviette, knowing that I might be opening a whole can of worms that I shouldn't. I take a deep breath. "Alex, what happens now? I mean, you have subs, don't you? I guess what I'm trying to say is, where the hell do I fit in this?"

"Look at me, Liv," Alex instructs, and I tear my eyes off the table. "Okay, firstly I don't really have a sub." My eyebrows raise but leave him to continue. "What I mean is there are a lot of Dominant/submissive couples that only play together, regardless of whether they are a couple in real life. Do you understand what I mean?" I nod in response. "At The Club, there are a number of subs who are happy to play with a variety of Doms. I travel so much that it has never appealed to me to have my own sub. Instead, I would see who was available, and if they wanted to play, then we would.

"At The Club, every person, Dom or sub, has a profile written about them detailing preferences, limits and so forth, so you get an idea of who you are compatible with. Plus the owner makes it his business to ensure that everyone is matched up correctly. It is all safe, sane and consensual, you get me?" I nod again, doing my best to absorb everything he is telling me. "Over the years, I have gotten to know the subs, and in turn, they have gotten to know me. I have a couple of favourites who enjoy the kind of pain I dish out, but there is no exclusivity or anything, and I certainly don't have any relationship with them outside the scene."

"Oh," I say softly. I can see from the openness in Alex's expression that he is telling me the truth. "I didn't like it!" I blurt out suddenly. "The caning. It was too much and I know that I could never do it again." I feel a shudder run through my body at the memories flooding through me. "I did it because I wanted to help you, but I know that I am not strong enough to do it again." I realise that I am babbling and take a deep breath and close my eyes, forcing myself to calm down.

I feel a hand envelop mine on the table and I open my eyes to find myself looking into Alex's eyes, eyes that are filled with compassion. "Oh, Liv, I would never, ever do anything to you that you did not want. Do you understand?" Tears fill my eyes and I bob my head in response.

"But I will never be enough for you if I can't give you that," I say sadly, the thought that has been buried deep in my subconscious finally coming to the surface.

"Oh, Liv," Alex says, running a hand through his tousled hair. "Liv, listen to me. I am going to be completely honest with you. I have been to The Club exactly twice since we got back from Australia. The first time was after you discovered the playroom and seemed so disgusted with me. I needed to reaffirm with myself everything I believed to be true. The second time was last week."

My heart sinks at the thought of Alex having sex with someone else after my experience with the flogger. My horror must show on my face because Alex quickly clarifies, "Nothing happened, Liv. I was so confused about my feelings towards you that I just needed to escape and find a bit of serenity. When I got there, Jessica, who has always been one of my favourites, approached me to do a scene. I had her tied to a St Andrew's cross, her arse all rosy, but all I could see was you in my head. After a couple of minutes, I knew I couldn't go through with it and had to hand Jessica off to one of the other Doms. That's when I knew…" I hold my breath as I wait for a beat for him to continue. "Knew that you were it for me."

My tears are openly falling down my face, my hand gripping tightly onto Alex's. "I am as unsure as you where we go from here, but I can tell you this. For the first time in my life, vanilla sex was fucking awesome." His words make me giggle and I swipe away the tears with my napkin, his revelation filling my heart with hope. "For so long, love and sex had to be separate in my life, Liv. The only way sex could satisfy was if it was brutal. Yet here I am, wanting to make love to you over and over, like a man in the desert longs for a drink of water."

The waiter approaches with our food and we break apart with a smile. I glance down at my eggs royale and realise that I am ravenous. Alex reads my thoughts and smirks at me as I dig in like it is my last meal ever. The eggs have been poached to perfection and the hollandaise sauce makes my mouth water. Alex attacks his own full English with equal vigour and for a while, there is silence as we savour our food.

When every morsel has been cleared and Alex declares himself stuffed, we resume our conversation. "Alex, just so you know, if you need to go to The Club because you need it, please just tell me, okay? I couldn't bear it if we had secrets like that between us."

"Liv, your trust in me is the most precious thing in the world. I would never, ever do anything to abuse that, you hear?" I nod as I see the truth shining out of his eyes.

"Also…" I take a gulp before I speak, my words hardly above a whisper, "I don't think I could ever be a slave. I started reading about that and, argh, that is so not my thing!" I see Alex holding in a laugh.

"It's not mine either, Liv. I have no desire to dominate you in real life. You have seen where I come from…Do you think any female I grew up with would have allowed me to tell them what to do?" I think of the forces of nature that are Alex's mother and his sister, Nadia, and I find myself grinning. "No, for me, it is purely sexual," he says. "Look, I think maybe we both need to sit down and work out some guidelines so we can find the parameters we are both comfortable with." I raise an eyebrow in response, a million questions running through my mind.

"Like, for example, if you are agreeable, then in the playroom I would like you to submit to me fully, call me sir…" Oh my, I think to myself, as a delicious heat starts pooling between my thighs. "But in the bedroom, that's just Alex and Liv. What do you think about that?"

"Is that why you only call me Olivia when we are in the playroom?" I ask the question that has been burning inside of me for some time. I have always found it a little strange that the only time Alex ever calls me by my full name is when he is in full-on Dom mode.

"Hmm, I have never really thought about that but, yeah, I guess it helps me to separate things in my mind," Alex says.

My cheeks are flushed and I can see Alex appraising my body language knowingly, a sexy smirk on his face. I nod and duck my face down, feeling shy all of a sudden. A finger hooks under my chin and once again I am looking into Alex's smouldering eyes. "Liv," he says softly, "your submission is the greatest gift you could ever give me, and believe me when I say that I will treasure it always." I gulp down a breath, suddenly feeling light-headed and starved of oxygen.

"Oh, Liv, this is just the beginning…"