Chapter 20

He shut the door carefully behind him with the tenderness of a new mother, gently holding on until it clicked shut. Then he leaned his back against the door and slowly sank to the floor. This is it; the final countdown… Months after the accident, many years ago, he woke up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat from another nightmare, as was routine then. In the midst of his panic he stumbled to his bathroom to wash his face. That was when he heard them first, the voices. They were arguing loudly nearby, loud enough so he could make out every word they said. What drew him towards them was their choice of topic… him. Slowly he’d made his way out of the bathroom and put his ear to his bedroom door, hoping to identify the speakers. Then it hit him… the voices… they weren’t outside… they were in his head. Alarmed, he ran back inside the bathroom and threw more water on his face, convinced he was still dreaming. He wasn’t. Over the years he’d gone over his initial horror and come to accept the voices, even name them. The fist voice, he called Ron, a character he disliked in one of his favourite books. The more understanding and calm one, which seemed to sympathize with him, he named Rose… after the sister he had killed.

“Are you really going to do it?” Rose cut through his thoughts with her soft voice, as he sat on the floor, exhausted from his afternoon of fraudulent activity. In one hand he held the bag full of pills and in the other, a large bottle of alcohol. He nodded as a reply to Rose.

“You’re disappointed, aren’t you?” his husky voice belied his current instability.

“I think you’re brave, onii-chan.” Brother.

He chuckled softly, “You haven’t called me that in a while.”

“It’s been a long time since you watched any anime or did any of the things you used to love doing with me," Rose spoke calmly.

His head slumped forward and the tears descended, pouring out of his eyes to run down his cheeks in two neat lines, each tear filled with regret for the one mistake he wished so hard to undo.

“I’m sorry, Rose. I di— I didn’t mean to kill you and Ma,” he stuttered, his voice shook from the grief pouring over him, leaving in its wake a broken creature, slumped on the floor in his final moments, the full weight of his mistakes pressing down heavy on his head, crushing him under its unbearable weight while he struggled to stay up, to breathe.

“Onii-chan?”

“Rose”

“I don’t blame you for what happened. I’m torn. A part of me wants you out of this pain you’ve been carrying for this long, and the other, feels guilty for putting you through this. I think you’re braver than this Onii-chan, and if you choose to cross over, I will be glad, for I would be with my small big brother again.”

He smiled through the tears and raised his head, “Ron is silent, I suppose he feels I’m weak as usual.”

“Not this time kid," the other voice replied. “You’ve been brave for this long. You have my respect.”

He was taken aback by the words, but found his voice to whisper a soft “thank you.”

“How will you do it?” Ron asked.

He lifted his head to stare at the small room but his eyes were unseeing. He stared off into space while he readied his answer.

“Forensic Files. A pastor drugged his wife with sleeping pills and left her in a bathtub to drown.”

“And the alcohol?” Ron prodded.

“An added bonus, to make sure I stay under long enough… Thank you Ron, I enjoyed listening to your reflections on society all day.”

“So long kid.”

He sighed, “Rose?”

“Yes, Onii-chan”

“Please stay with me”

“We’re inside your head brother, with you till the end.”

“Thank you.”

With those words he rose to his feet. It was time.