Chapter 31

"Lang, nakaubos ka na ng sampung bote pero bakit hindi ka pa nalalasing? Grabe ka." Inalog niya ang mga bote sa damuhan na wala ng laman. "Gusto mo kunan pa kita? Kunin ko na lahat ng laman ng ref para sa iyo?"

Langdon nodded his head, and glanced at her. "Yes, please."

"Okay."

She stood up and went inside the house. Kinuha niya ang huling limang bote at nagdala na rin ng pagkain para rito. Pagbalik niya sa labas ay nasa ganoong posisyon pa rin si Langdon, nakaupo, wala pa ring pang-itaas, at nakatitig lang sa langit na unti-unti nang dumidilim.

Tumabi siya rito ng upo matapos ilapag sa Bermuda grass ang tray.

"Why aren't you asking questions?" untag nito sa kaniya sa kalagitnaan ng kanilang pananahimik. Tuluyan nang nabalot ng dilim ang langit at tanging ang mga poste ng ilaw na lang sa labas ang tumatanglaw sa kanila.

"Tungkol saan naman ang itatanong ko?"

"Tungkol sa mga nangyari kanina. I thought you'd be so curious you'll ask about it the moment they're gone." Binuksan nito ang isang bote at uminom.

"Wala naman kasi akong karapatang magtanong, Lang. At tingin ko ay hindi ka namang handang sagutin ang mga tanong ko." Itinukod ko ang mga palad sa damuhan at nginitian ito. "Pero kung magkukuwento ka, makikinig ako."

He smirked and rolled his fingers over his hair. "Promise me you won't tell anyone."

"Dahil papatayin mo ako? Ni hindi mo nga ako mapalayas dito sa bahay mo." Natigilan siya at alanganing napangiti rito. "Not that I want you to." Umiling siya at nakiusap. "Please, don't."

Sumungaw ang isang ngiti sa sulok ng labi nito bago iniangat ang kamay at hinaplos ang pisngi niya.

"To be honest, I don't know why I'm letting you to stay here with me. Maybe because I can see in your eyes that you're not meant to be with me forever. You'll leave me, Cin. And it's the best decision you could ever do."

Napakurap siya sa pagragasa ng sakit sa dibdib niya. Animo may tumusok na maliit na kutsilyo sa puso niya saka piniga ito.

"Hindi kita iiwan kahit kailan kung tatanggapin mo ako sa buhay mo, Lang. Just say so and I will stay here with you forever."

"No." Bumaba ang daliri nito sa labi niya. "Iyan ang huwag na huwag mong gagawin. I'll hate myself more if ever you'll stay with me. I couldn't save anyone, Cin. I couldn't even save my one and only love so I can't do the same to you. Ang malas mo lang at sa isang tulad ko pa ikaw nahulog." Mapait itong ngumiti bago siya binitawan. "Alam kong patapon na ang buhay ko. It became meaningless since she was gone. Isang bagay na lang talaga ang hinihintay kong mangyari. It's the only reason why I'm still breathing. I dedicated my entire life finding about the truth. After that, I need to go home to my family to do everything my mother wants me to do. I'd be useless by then, Cin. And you'll just hate me for that."

"I would never hate you, Lang. Alam ko ang pakiramdam ng mawalan ng mga mahal sa buhay. The feeling of being useless all the time. Iyong may gusto kang gawin para sa kanila pero wala ka talagang magawa. You just watched as they slowly disappear before your very eyes. But life is still wonderful, Lang. You just have to know how to take happiness in it."

Tumigil ito sa pag-inom at sandaling natulala sa kawalan. "Happiness. That's what Keon also said to me. Ang sabi niya sa akin ay kailangan ko lang bumalik sa pamilya para maging masaya uli. I admit I've been very happy in their company. We bond. I considered them my brothers. That was before they chose to turn their backs on me when I love an Alcantara. I thought they understood me but they instead betray me. Love is love, Cin. No one can tell it otherwise. No one is holy enough to say that it isn't or that it's forbidden. Kasalanan ko ba kung siya talaga ang mahal ko? I can't choose who I will fall in love to. Ano ba ang pakialam ko sa ilang dekada ng sigalot na iyan na wala namang may alam kung kailan at kung sino ang nagsimula? Why do we have to pay for the sins of the past? Why do we have to sacrifice our love just for their fucking revenge and competition for power? Why did she have to die for that damn useless reason? I just want to love Casindra with all of me. I just want to see her smile again while waiting for me in our favorite place. I... I just want to see her alive." His voice broke in the middle of the sentence. "I just fucking wanted her to be married to me."

Hindi niya namalayan kung kailan siya nagsimulang umiyak basta ang alam lang niya ay kanina pa parang may dumadaklot sa puso niya dahil sa nakikitang hinagpis ni Langdon.

It's more painful to hear him beg for his lost love than her hearing all of these. If only she can, she'll trade her life for Cas to make him happy again.

Wala nang nagsalita sa kanilang dalawa. Hindi niya rin magawang hawakan o tingnan ito dahil sa sakit na umaalipin sa kaniya. Nagpatuloy sa pag-ubos si Langdon sa alak habang busy siya sa kakapahid sa mga luha.

Maya-maya pa ay tumimbuwang na ito sa lupa. Nangingilid pa rin ang mga luha na umusod siya rito. Pinahid niya ang pawis sa noo nito gamit ang sariling t-shirt.

"L-Lang?" tawag niya rito ng matagpuan nito ang mga kamay niya.

"Hmmm?"

"H-Have you ever felt something for me? Perhaps, have you ever loved me just... just a little? Just a little?"

Humigpit ang hawak nito sa kamay niya. "Cin, let's not talk about that. Ang importante ay nandito ako at magkasama tayo," he said dismissively.

Napapahiyang napakurap siya. Tumingala siya sa langit para pigilan ang mga luha pero tumulo pa rin ang mga ito. She faked a laugh in a failed attempt to hide her pain.

"You're right. Pasok na tayo sa loob para makapagpahinga ka?"

Hindi ito tuminag sa pagkakahiga at pagkakapikit. He tightened even further his grip on her hand as if telling her he knows what she really feels. Hinayaan lang niya itong hawakan ang kamay niya ng ilang sandali bago niya ito dahan-dahang hinila. Dinala niya ang mga ito sa leeg at dinama.

She never realized her hands could be cold like this until now.

MATAPOS asikasuhin at kumutan si Langdon ay pagod na umalis siya sa kama para lumabas ng pinto. Magulo ang utak niya at duguan ang kaniyang puso.

Napansin niya ang frame ni Casindra na nakataob sa ibabaw ng side table nang malapit na siya sa pinto. Sinulyapan muna niya ang natutulog na lalake bago kinuha ito.

She stared at the fading face of Casindra and smiled. She caressed it while her tears welled again.

"Hi, Cas. It's me, Cin, your favorite cousin. I miss you so much. I miss the way you tie my hair in a braid. Now Kuya Nathan does what you used to do. Everybody in the family wants to forget you already. Everyone wants to bury your name in a hurry but Langdon and I will never forget you. We will always love you."

Nabasa ang frame ng luha niya kaya agad niya iyong pinunasan. "I'm sorry cousin for falling in love with your boyfriend. I love him so much and I'm willing to fight for it just like what you did. I want to fight alongside him but he can't let me. He won't let me. Wala ka na pero ikaw pa rin ang hinahanap niya, ang mahal niya."

She touched the goats on her eyeglasses chain. "Alam kong hindi ako ang nasa isip niya ng bilhin niya ito. It's for you, Cas. You love goats so much you cried every time there's a goat dish on the table."

Niyakap niya ang frame at sumagap ng hangin. "Sana nandito ka pa, Cas. Sana buhay ka pa. In that way, I could stop myself from being so in love with him. I will stop because you're here and I love you both so much. Kung nandito ka sana ay hindi magiging malungkot si Langdon. I'm willing to exchange my life for you basta ba bumalik ka lang sa amin, please. When you're gone, I've never felt so guilty, Cas. If only Lang will let me take care of his heart, siguro I'll feel better. It's okay if he can't love me. I know you will be the only one he will ever love but can you please talk to him to let me in? I'll take care of him and love him in your memory."

Maingat na ibinalik niya sa pagkakalapag ang frame saka pinahid ang luha. Tiningnan niya ang payapang mukha ni Langdon at muling naramdaman ang kurot sa dibdib.

"It would have been better if you're still with us, Cas," she whispered in the stillness of the silent night.