26

26
She’s asleep in the car. I drive slowly so as not to wake her up. My eyes keep darting over to hers, despite myself. 

I'm looking at her, and then the road, the headlights of the car in front of me blurring as I hurtle toward it. I slam on the breaks.

Fuck. Pay attention.

“You worried I’m gonna disappear?” 

“No.”

We sit at the red light. My fingers find the nape of her neck, pull her across the console, and connect our lips.

She tastes like champagne. I can’t get enough, I don’t care if I steal her breath, if she dies kissing me, I don’t mind. I don’t care about the cars behind me, I don’t care that the light is green.

Fuck them. 

Fuck her.

I wanna fuck her.

Her fist hits my chest, softly, without conviction. I grab her wrist. Another cycle of traffic starts. Maybe we’ll get rear ended.

I don’t even care. I hate her so much. Is that what it is? Why I want to crush her and subjugate her? But also…I want her to smile at me. I want her to have the best of everything, even me.

I pull back just as the light turns green again, resuming my route back to her place.

She doesn’t say anything but her eyes are fixed on mine, her breathing labored. Do I apologize? I’m not sorry. 

I should apologize, it’s the best course of action. But my mouth won’t open to tell that lie.

It’s better to stay silent than to tell the truth.

“You’re staying that night,” she says after a while. Not a question, a demand.

My heart pounds. What can I do to her that she’ll hate? I keep thinking: this is it this is the thing that will sever me from her forever.

I keep looking for something to help me escape her, but she keeps cutting off all exits. She keeps accepting me. Why does she keep accepting me?

“It’s going to take a lot more than a searing kiss to shake me. You know I like it rough.” Her eyes are now focused on the scenery, her head resting on the window.

My eyes flutter closed.  

“You like suffering?” I breathe.

Her hand wraps around my wrist, placing it under her dress. I take a deep breath, tighten my other hand on the wheel until my knuckles are white.

“Does it feel like I’m suffering?”

She never answers these things. She only shows me the truth. She shows me proof and then, like a god who’s disappointed in a faithless believer asks:

What does it look like?

“Well?” 

She’s hot and wet, her hands pulling me into her. 

“No. No it doesn’t.” 

Her hand disappears from mine. I can’t breathe. I can’t think. I go on autopilot my brain moving on its own, performing the action of driving on its own.

“Do you have enough weed?” 

She chuckles. “Yeah, I do.” 

She’s laughing. She’s laughing at the absence of thoughts at one touch:so why do I like the sound?

I’m going to have to kill her.

“I’ll take you when I get there. So try to get out of the elevator quickly, or you might be stuck there.”

“It’s fine if we are.”

I look over at her. I get angrier and angrier the more she accepts me.

I don’t know why.

“Is there no limit to what you’ll take from me?” 

She smirks. “Of course there is. And I promise you, you’ll know when you hit it. But fucking me hard or in odd places isn’t gonna get you there.”

“I don’t know if I like you very much,” I grumble, despite myself.

She just laughs. “I get that a lot.”

But something about it won’t let me leave it there.

“I do like you. I do like you very much.”

“I get that, too. We’ll see which is true for you.”

I already know. It’s both. 

•••

Her back is pressed the elevator, legs around my waist. How do I want her more than ever? Is it because we’ve talked? We’ve connected, in a way?

My hands rove her body, our lips fused together, her dress hitched him. My cock twitches against her, the searing heat of her beckoning me to fill her.

Her breath is haggard, warm on the shell of my ear, her heels discarded in the corner.

“You feel so good, Kyro. Come closer,” she whispers in my ear, like a divine commandment.

So I obey. I close any gap between us, hit rock bottom in her until I can’t push any further, so close we’re one entity.

Red hugs my neck, squeezing me. A hug. Did she give me a hug before? Why now? Why me?

I don’t move. I can’t. We stay that way, breathing the same breath, occupying the same body. I twitch inside her, the feeling of her body, still pulling me in, wanting me deeper than I can even reach electrifying. 

“Red…” I murmur, my brain wiped clean of everything but her scent and her name. All I see is Red.

Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. It’s a running chant I wish I could kill. 

When will she love me? How much better will her love be? Can this get better?

“It’s okay,” she whispers, kissing the shell of my ear. “It’s okay, Kyro. Can I tell you a secret?”

She doesn’t wait for an answer.

“I already love you, Kyro.” 

The elevator dings, my breathing stops and for the first time in the 2 years we’ve been together, I’m not fast enough to pull out.

“What a mess you made,” she kisses the side of my head. 

My ears are ringing. The elevator door has closed. 

“You’ll clean me up won't you?”

I nod mindlessly. Red pulls away, disconnecting us, the loss of warmth bringing me back. She touches my scar affectionately, and fixes her dress.

She presses the fifth floor again, picking up her shoes, my suit jacket. She zips my pants up, and when the door opens, she grabs my collar and pulls me out of the elevator.

I need to take control. I need to fix this.

But she opens the door, sets her shoes down, throws my jacket on the couch.

Raises her brow expectedly. Right. Clean her up. 

I’m still. She stared at me, arrogant, in that way she does.

Anger sweeps in me. I hate her. I hate her so much. My breath quickens, my eyes darting away, fist clenching. 

“I love you, Kyro. Do you know when I started loving you?” 

She turns around, shedding her dress—the dress I bought. She brings out her rolling tray, and starts rolling for herself. 

She lights a blunt. 

I don’t move.

“When I let you spend the night. That’s my way of saying…I want you around. And I only want you around if you’re important.”

“You loved me since then?”

I glance around to see who says that. Why they sound like me?

She stands with this…smile. Soft, sweet. She cups my cheek with one hand, blunt in the other. “Sweet boy.” She kisses my scar.

Red takes a puff, blows it in my face. I always come back to this. Why can she do this? No woman—no one—has ever treated me this way. Not and lived, for damn sure.

Then…it’s her fault. Since she treated me this way, tamed me like a stray dog. It’s not my fault if I can’t let go. I warned her. Right or wrong, I don’t care anymore. 

I’ll give her the same kind of the obsession I gave to my country. To my craft. To the war. To Him. 

I love like a dog. But I bite like one too.

So then…

Whatever I do, whatever I become I won’t feel guilty. She asked for this.

I get to my knees, wrap my hands around her hips, look up at her. 

“Why?” 

Her finger lifts my chin. “This look.”

I hug her hips tightly. 

Her thumb brushes my chin, her hand caresses my cheek. I lean into it, into her touch, my eyes fixed on hers. “Those eyes…you have the prettiest eyes.”

“I’ll clean you up, Red.”  

She pushes my head further down. “I know. And don’t worry. I see your eyes, Kyro. I know what they mean. And I’ll give you the same. In my way.”

I pull her dress up, hitch it around her hips. I clean the mess I made of her, diligently,and with vigor.