21

21
I stumble home, barely. My mind is almost empty. I am devoid of all thought. The feeling of visera on my hands , that I couldn’t erase before, is gone. The illusion of his blood, the man in the mirror—she doesn’t love me.

She doesn’t know me. 

But with even the idea…I find salvation. 

She knows my name. Sees the anger in me, the darkness, but she looks anyway. She looks with that…that soft look. Those bright eyes. Peering into me, like they always did.

And slowly…slowly I put it together. Red. Red. Red.

Why I couldn’t stand Veronica’s touch. Why I…I wanted to see Red.

I needed to see red.

I lift my face to the sky, the heat of the sun warming my body, I close my eyes and enjoy it. Soak the light into my skin. Let it touch every part of me.

I fill my lungs with air, and then I start the walk home. It isn’t too far, just 15 minutes. She’s 15 minutes away if I walk leisurely.

I could get there in 9 then, if I ran. 

When I get home Noble is waiting with a glare. But when he sees me he softens, inspecting me carefully.

“I guess I’ll leave,” Noble says softly. 

“So easily?” I chuckle, opening the fridge, rifling through the leftovers. He’s a good cook, I’ll give him that.

“The light in your eyes is back.”

That gives me pause. The light in my eyes? 

I’ll leave when your eyes have light in them again.

A smirk paints my lips. “Hey, Noble?”

He looks back at me. “Hm?”

“Thank you.” 

He grins and turns his back. “Don’t be weird. There’s leftovers to last you a few days. Eat.”

“I will.”

Noble left it spotless. Now that I’ve been cleared I have no doubt I’ll have another mission. I’m deep in enemy territory, there’s no end to things I have to do.

The people I have to kill. Information to steal. But somehow the burden feels lighter. 

Because someone might love me. And even better, that someone might be her.

I pull the pen from my ear. Red. 

My lips tug up. I don’t know how. I know it doesn’t make sense. That it’s not likely to work. I’ll get called off somewhere, my cover will be blown, agents could get to her—

But if I’m just good enough. If I work hard enough. Maybe…this one thing. I could have this one thing. I could have her.

I hadn’t realized how much I wanted it.

I feel like I could catch my breath for a minute, and she could hold it for me. And when she gives it back it’ll be cleaner.

But what will I do to her? Everything I touch crumbles. What if she does? What if I ruin her? I don’t know why I feel so certain I couldn’t.

Like she’s invincible. Like she’s immune to my rot.

I know better. It rings in my ears now, my gut twisting around itself. Now the morning sun is gone, she’s gone and reality comes crashing into me like a freight train.

I can’t keep anything but especially not her. She’s sidetracked me and I didn’t even realize it. So…what happens when I dig deeper?

Sink deeper into her?

Will I be able to leave when I have to? And I’ll have to. Will it be enough? Can I separate myself from her? I’m supposed to have no attachments, it’s rule number one.

I sit in the dark again. My fingers ghost the pen behind my ear but I don’t take it. It’s red.

I lean back on my couch—a better one and stare at the ceiling. I need to work. I’m seeing her behind my lids. I have been for a while.

How did she worm her way into my brain? When? 

It doesn’t matter. I do want her to love me, but I can’t afford to love her. I need to focus. My mission is imperative to my country’s wellbeing my failure could have catastrophic consequences.

The house phone rings. I glance it for a moment, tap my fingers against the cushion, before standing and leaning against the wall. I lift the receiver, my hand tight on it.

“Check your email.” 

My eye twitches. My manager. “On it.”

An answer descends on my shoulders as I open the laptop, watching the dossier flicker to life. It’s a shitty answer but becoming of me.

I want to be loved, but I should not love her. 

I can convince her to, it’s easy. It’s my job. This obsession I have is not with her, but with being loved. Once I have it, once I feel it, I can move on.

So then…I read the details.

Despite my best efforts, I am human. I require a human’s touch. But that’s as far as it can go.

Now that I see it, I can kill it.

I close the dossier and get to work.