Chapter 35-3

“I do love him.” Nan stated to the open air. “He’s kind, and sweet. And I sound like any halfwit with an infatuation. Oh God, why is this so hard!” She whined, throwing up an annoyed hand to the air as she turned about, redirecting her pacing as she tried to figure out a way to assure herself that she loved William enough to want to marry him. “I punched a man at his sister’s Ball for humiliating him.” she offered herself. “Which I would have done for Jamie had something similar happened to him.” she admitted a moment later rejecting her own meager proof of her affection. “I was willing to share my bed with him.” she tried again and again cast the evidence aside as nothing more than affection. “Which you were willing to do even when you didn’t care for him as you do now.” She replied conversationally with an irritated sigh turning about once more as she cast yet another hand to the air. “Why is this so hard?” she asked again in a long tried sigh as she stared up at the sky. Its thick gray clouds sailing across it with a near motionless grace. For time unknown Nan stared up at the sky, her mind blank as she watched the clouds form and reform in their movements. “You’ve been gone for eight years James.” She spoke out of the blue as she continued to stare, her voice toneless, her face expressionless.  “Are you what’s caused this? Am I still holding on to you?” she questioned, slowly bringing her eyes back to the garden and its thick green shrubs, despite its being the middle of winter and all else in the garden having shriveled and died months ago the walls were still alive and well. Mindless she stared at the dark emerald wall before her. “You’re not here.” she said so softly the words barely above a whisper. “You’re not coming back. I don’t want to betray you, and I haven’t. Not once. But I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to walk through life a shell seeing but not feeling. Please, I don’t want to. I’m not a child anymore, and you’re not here to hide the ugliness of the world from me. He’ll protect me James. He’ll love me.” she told him, knowing there was no one there but herself, but feeling as though if she spoke to him. If her words were meant just for him, then maybe, if God truly was the kind all knowing, all seeing being she had been told he was, maybe he would let James hear her and James would forgive her for wanting to move on. “He does love me, James. I dare say as much you if not more than you. And I do love him.” She stated, with a small teary smile, “I really truly do.” She said louder a light laugh entering her voice. “I love him!” She declared with laughter and a bright smile, staring at the garden, but looking no place specific as she laughed. “I love him.” she said finally, happily, a full joyful smile across her lips as she finally felt the words she spoke. As her heart felt large and warm in her breast and the very thought of him made her feel as though the day was brighter. And the thought of seeing him, and telling him just how much she loved him set her feet to running as she raced from the garden and ran into the very last person she had expected to see. “Anna?” Eli breathed as he stared down at her with a look of surprise, though this surprise differed a great deal from what he had shown upon seeing her at Azurecross. “Oh no.” he sputtered as he shook his head and took several hasty steps back, certain to maintain the proper distance from her as he bowed deeply towards. “I do apologize most sincerely Ma’am.” He stated, his words both earnest and firm as he spoke them. “My name is Eli Waters and I’ve come to beg your forgiveness for my actions toward you when last we met in Azurecross.” He informed her hastily. “I’d of come sooner to beg your pardon, but the actions of your husband, though highly justified left me out of sorts until just recently. I am truly ashamed of myself and how I treated you Lady Horton.” “And how was it you mistreated me Mr. Waters?” Sophia asked, her smug voice sound from behind Nan as Nan turned to find her sauntering down the small garden path towards them, a dark blue and black lace umbrella twirling in her hands as she stared smugly at the scene before her. “I do believe this is the first time I’ve had the pleasure of making you’re acquaintance.” “I… beg your pardon?” Eli replied, rising from his bow, his expression utterly bemuse by her comment as he looked from Sophia to Nan and back. “You’re Lady Horton?” he questioned. “Indeed,” Sophia smiled pleasantly, “Lady Sophia Horton,” she added offering her hand to Eli who took it lightly in his own, but did nothing else as he acknowledged the woman before him with a small nod, then looked back to Nan, opening his mouth to speak out to have his question answered before he could ask it. “This is Nan Harris. My husband’s mistress.” She informed him sweetly, turning back to look down the path she had come when a voice was heard calling her. “Well, if you’ll excuse me Mr. Waters it seems my coach is ready.” She smiled beautifully, giving a small graceful curtsy before turning back down the path and leaving the two of them in the small path. “Mistress?” Eli repeated looking to Nan who until he had spoken had been looking after Sophia. Nan hardly faulted Sophia for taking the opening she had found. Given what little else she could do in retaliation against Nan, it was only logical that she would strike when and where she could. But how greatly Nan wished Sophia had chosen another to manipulate into attacking her. It had been years since Nan had had any interaction with Eli, and while their encounter in Azurecross had been brief and nearly resulted in his death, she had no idea if his being here was only to apologize and go, or to glean more information about her. From what Nan did recall, Eli could be just as ruthless and stubborn as William if such was the case. “Yes, Mr. Waters.” Nan replied with an instant and hard smile as she looked at him. “I’m Sir William’s Mistress.” She stated, and started for the house. Hoping to God the news would through him off wanting to continue his apology or anything else for that matter. Sadly ,when she heard the rapid crunching of the ground behind her she knew she had not been as lucky as she would have liked. “Miss Harris, a moment please,” Eli called, grabbing on to her arm lightly as he sought to pull her to a stop. Succeeding in doing but losing his grip on her arm the moment she did as she quickly yanked it from his grasp and met his breathless and startled gaze with a hard murderous glare. “I did not mean to presume—“ “Mr. Waters, I care very little for what you did or did not mean to presume. And it was my understanding that you came here merely to apologize. Which you have done. So you may go. Or perhaps you wish to reclaim your honor after what Sir William did to you for assaulting me.” Nan remarked, the cut of her words causing Eli to visibly wince. “I meant no disrespect Ma’am.” He stated in turn. “My actions toward you then were indeed untoward. But for my justification…you look exactly like my fiancée. For a moment I thought you were her. I see now I was mistaken.” He informed her, the look on his face clearly displeased with the knowledge sadly accepting of it as well. “Indeed Sir you are. Now I strongly suggest you leave before—“ “What in God’s name are you doing here!” William roared from the front door the house.