Chapter Fourteen - MARKUS

Markus’s mind felt numb. He had so many conflicting feelings as he followed the group for the rest of the tour, not paying attention to what was going on around him. Gracie had kissed him. He should be ecstatic. This was the moment that should define high school for him. A beautiful and creative girl liked him enough to place her lips on his, and defend it, in front of everyone.

Then why wasn’t he happy? Why did it feel like a boulder sat in his stomach?

Because he didn’t believe it. It had been impulse. It had been fear. She had been terrified on the tour, and then he’d been the one to lead her outside. Those things could make a person do crazy things and then regret it the next day. And that was exactly what he expected to happen.

Markus was at an all-time low by the time they reached the cemetery. But when his gaze swept over the ominous headstones, his concern no longer focused on him. The cemetery. Gracie. This was the stop she was dreading most. The cemetery seemed really old. From what he could tell from the light of his fake candle, the headstones were all lopsided, though a few grandiose ones were scattered among the rest. He searched for Gracie and saw her talking with her roommate while sketching on a pad at the periphery of the group. Gracie looked up when he approached, but her gaze hardened when she saw it was him.

Her roommate seemed to sense her presence wasn’t wanted and said something about needing to check out a cool headstone before she quickly walked away.

“What are you drawing?” he asked.

Gracie didn’t answer, but instead sat down on the grass to resume her sketch. She didn’t look at all like the scared girl she’d been before.

“I’m sorry I lost track of you back there,” Markus tried again, but it sounded lame even to him.

With a final flourish of her pencil, Gracie slipped the small pad into her coat pocket. She rubbed her hands together as if to warm them as she said, “You didn’t lose track of me, Mark. I’ve been here for the entire hour that you’ve been avoiding me.” She released a long breath. “I’m sorry I read the situation wrong back there. You said you liked me…and I guess…I just assumed…”

“It’s been a whole hour?” Man, he must have been really out of it. Where had they gone during that time? He didn’t remember any of it.

“You’re missing the point.”

Oh, right.

Markus sat down next to Gracie, his arm brushing the headstone on his other side. He felt this should be more unnerving than it was. He had determined that Gracie hadn’t been serious about the kiss—but she wasn’t afraid right now. She didn’t seem impulsive. And she still talked as if she liked him.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Markus said, unable to look at Gracie as he said it. Instead he watched their group move among the headstones. They stopped a little ways away, next to a tall one that looked like a miniature version of the Washington Monument.

Gracie didn’t say anything. Finally, Markus had no choice but to look at her.

She was watching him. “I put myself on the line back there, and you responded by ignoring me.”

Yeah, he could see how that looked bad. “I’m not quite sure how to explain it…you see…at first I was a bit shocked.”

Gracie gave a small laugh. “Yeah, I noticed.”

“And then I realized it had just been the heat of the moment. You were scared, and I was there…you needed comfort…” His voice trailed off as Gracie’s smile dipped into a frown. It was when her eyebrows also furrowed that he knew he’d said something wrong. He was just trying to explain his train of thought at the time of the kiss. It wasn’t like he thought like that now. Markus released a long sigh. This was why he could never be in a relationship. He didn’t know how to act around people, and he was perpetually in trouble without understanding why. How was this ever going to work?

“I kissed you because I like you, Mark. Or I did.”

Past tense. That was never good.

Markus stood and rubbed a hand through his hair. He hadn’t slicked it to the side or plastered it down in three days. It was kind of liberating. “Well, I suppose it’s better you found out now that I’m not dateable. I’d hate to string you along.” He released a surprisingly bitter laugh. All the pent-up resentment and embarrassment over the years were catching up to him. “You see, I apparently have no social skills. The only thing I’m good at doing is homework. My dad made sure of that. But the fact of the matter is that I do like you and have since the New Year’s Eve party, as I already told you. I would give anything for my friends—do anything for them. I don’t always say the right thing, or do the right thing. But I try. I care about people. Not that it matters. The rare times I hang out with people, I’m in the background, and I’m pretty sure people forget I’m there.”

When Gracie opened her mouth to protest, Markus held up a hand. “Let me finish. Your friends are very nice. But I have been eating lunch with your group every day because Alexa invited me and I was tired of eating with Mrs. Krump. And yes, more importantly, it was an excuse to be with you—even if we never talked. But it’s not because I ever felt like I was accepted.”

“Can I say something now?” Gracie interjected, pushing herself off the ground. She stepped toward Markus.

He crossed his arms, unsure he wanted to hear what she had to say. “I guess.”

“Good. Because if you’d stop feeling sorry for yourself for a moment, you’d realize that you do have people who care about you. No, you and I haven’t talked much before this trip, but I heard Sandra and Amanda invite you to do things with us on multiple occasions. You always turned them down. I told you I liked you and I kissed you…even told you about things that were going on at home—things that I haven’t told my closest friends. And then you treated me like garbage because you thought I must have been delusional with fear or whatever nonsense you came up with.” Gracie narrowed her eyes and took a step closer.

Markus glanced around. Their group apparently hadn’t missed them and were now on the opposite side of the cemetery, the faint glow from their candles barely visible. They wouldn’t be of any help if Gracie did something rash.

Except, she wasn’t that kind of person. And everything she was saying was spot-on.

“You’re right,” he said, and her glare morphed into a look of surprise. “Everything you’re saying is true. And you deserve better.”

Gracie gave him a sad smile. “What I wanted was you.”

“But I still don’t understand why.”

“It’s okay to not know everything all of the time,” Gracie said. “We don’t always understand why we feel a certain way—it’s the figuring out that is the exciting part.”

Not knowing…going in blindly…that sounded terrifying. And yet Gracie acted like this was a good thing. Maybe it was. Maybe it was what people in relationships did, and something he should try out. If it meant being with Gracie, it would be worth the anxiety.

“How would someone go about figuring it out?” he asked, holding her gaze. The light from Gracie’s candle flickered over her features, but rather than give her an ominous look like it had others in their group, it made her glow.

“Well,” she said softly. “You could do something that you wouldn’t do with anyone else. For me, it was to share details from my life with you. I wanted to give you a part of me that was important.”

Something important. Markus could tell her about misleading his dad about his applications for college and how he didn’t want to be a professor or engineer or anything else his dad had planned for him. But not only was that copying what Gracie had done, it didn’t place him in a very good light. Oh, shoot. He had forgotten to return his dad’s call. Maybe he could—

“You’re doing it again,” Gracie said, a teasing lilt to her voice.

Markus was startled from his thoughts. “I’m doing what?”

“You’re thinking too much. Stop overanalyzing and just move forward. Be your natural self.”

“Overanalyzing is my natural self,” Markus said. “If you hadn’t noticed, I’m the least spontaneous person in the world.” He paused. “Okay, that might not be true. There are a lot of people in the world. But I’m probably the least spontaneous person that you know.”

Gracie laughed and shook her head. “You don’t have to be spontaneous. But I know you’re holding back on me. What I can’t figure out is—”

Markus never did hear what she couldn’t figure out. Because in that moment, he allowed himself to be present. He pushed out every self-doubt and forced his mind to stop whirling, for just a moment. He focused on Gracie and her dimples and the freckles he couldn’t see in the dark but knew were there. He focused on Gracie’s energetic nature and her enthusiasm for life. Markus even thought back to the few moments when she’d been having a hard time, and how it had felt to stand by her side and let her know she wasn’t alone. Gracie was trying to do that for him, and he needed to be open to that—to her.

Markus forced himself to abandon the version of him that had struggled knowing how to feel. He didn’t like having to think so much about every little stupid thing. And as he shoved that person aside, a torrent of emotions he didn’t realize he had flooded over him. Fear, excitement, anticipation, longing. Those were only the ones he could identify. It was overwhelming, and yet so brilliantly beautiful.

He saw Gracie in a completely different light. Markus had always liked her, of course, but he knew her for who she really was at that moment. He couldn’t believe how brave and strong and courageous she was.

And then he did something he’d never done before. He acted before thinking.

Markus stepped forward, placed one hand gently on Gracie’s cheek, and then he kissed her. He didn’t realize he knew how, but the part of him he’d kept hidden away seemed to be doing just fine. At first he kissed her gently, as she had him. But when she didn’t pull away, and instead pulled him closer, the crazy whirlwind of emotions he was experiencing found a means of escape. Markus’s lips caressed Gracie’s, and he felt her shudder. At first he was concerned, but after Gracie ran her fingers through his hair and he experienced the same reaction, he realized the shudder hadn’t been a bad thing. In fact, it had been good.

Very good.

Markus didn’t think he’d ever be able to stop kissing Gracie. His arms were wrapped around her waist and he wanted nothing more than to kiss her forever. Which he probably would have done if he hadn’t heard the crunch of footsteps.

He broke away and stepped back, but he wasn’t quick enough.