Chapter 117

Chapter 117
Silas’ POV  

I stared out the window of my office. It was already dark outside. Taking a breath, I tried to center myself. I needed to get the last of this paperwork done. Not that I slept. Sometimes I would get three or four hours of sleep, but that, mixed with maybe eating one meal a day, left me weaker and thinner than I had ever been. It didn’t matter, though. Even Giselle stopped bothering me about it.

The Elders at least stopped hounding me. They called me a lost cause, but they wouldn’t have the balls to have me removed. Not when Charles was my Beta. He would have to take over since they didn’t have a candidate in line.

Turning away from the window, I brought my arms up and leaned against the bookshelf. Closing my eyes, I reached out for the mate bond. Cruelly, since I had met Aelia in my subconscious, I could see the bond connected to my chest. I could only see mine, but the fraying golden braid continuously reminded me of the pain. The feeling of loss and loneliness were all I could feel these past few months.

Taking a slow breath, I tried to feel Nate’s emotions. Usually, I could feel the prickling happiness or frustration. I don’t know why it brought me comfort, but it did. Suddenly I blinked, and I was standing in an unfamiliar room. My eyes roamed the room, taking in the dark green tones. All the furniture was of a dark wood, but not quite black. There were also pictures of the forest; some were of a misty early morning, some raining and others had beams of sunshine cutting through the canopy.

The room was nearly as large as our game room, with a loveseat and two chairs in one corner. A dresser, wardrobe, and full-length mirror lined the far wall. The other corner had three bassinets, a changing table, and a little desk with some baby items on it. Walking over to the bassinets, I brushed the edge of them. Two had little unicorn mobiles hanging above them, whereas one had a wolf mobile.

The bed was the biggest piece of furniture, with the headboard pushed against the opposite wall from the door. I walked up to it, and immediately my eyes filled with tears. Nate had wrapped himself in blankets, his stomach curve prominent. He was huge, and I guess that was to be expected with triplets.

It had been five months since the Alpha Conference. Nate still had one month left before he would give birth. Pride and love filled me as I looked down at him. Next to him, curled up around his protruding bump, were the twins. They looked like they stepped out of Aelia and I’s baby photos. They were literally the spitting image of us; of me. Sitting on the edge of the bed that Nate was facing away from, I brushed his cheek. He stirred for a moment, but I’m sure with the weight, once he laid down, there was no turning over.

So many emotions welled up inside me. I thought I would never see him, never get to see my kids. Never would feel the pride that came from seeing Nate pregnant. I’d never know if he was alright, or if someone had taken him. Guilt rippled through me as well. This was an opportunity I shouldn’t have been afforded.

‘You don’t belong here, Silas.’

Nate’s voice filled my head, and his eyes snapped open before the room disappeared from my vision. I was now standing before a giant wall. I pounded against the wall, seeing the bond disappear into it.

‘Nate! No! Please! Please don’t! Don’t lock me out! Please!’

I shouted at the wall as I pounded against it. It wasn’t budging, and I howled, throwing my forehead against it. Once, twice, but the third time I just rested against it.

‘Please. Don’t shut down the one thing I have. Please. Don’t.’

Taking a breath, I opened my eyes to my office. The bookshelf I had been leaning against was destroyed, with the books strewn all over the floor. There was a trickle down the side of my head, and I touched my fingers to my head. I inspected my fingers to find blood.

Sighing, I tried not to sob; tried to hold the floodgates back. It was already something I shouldn’t be doing. I had no right. Still, the loss made it hard to breathe. My office door opened, and I twisted away from it, walking over to the window and leaning my shoulder against it.

“What the…?”

I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I’m sorry, Sam. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Sam was three months pregnant and already showing considerably since he was so small. Since I had been ‘fixed’, as Charles called it, I hadn’t had any outbursts. I had accepted the blanket of depression that now weighed down on my shoulders. In the house though, a quiet peace had settled.

“You aren’t drunk.”

I leaned my head against the window, reveling in its coolness. “I haven’t had a drink since I saw Finn and Noah. Everything in the bar is empty. Poured down the drain months ago. You can check.”

“Then how did a bookshelf get destroyed?”

Not answering, I continued to stare out the window.

“Silas.”

I turned and nearly jumped, not realizing Sam had walked so close over the pounding of my heartbeat in my ears. He was only a couple of feet from me as he looked me over. His hand came up and touched my head.

“You’re bleeding.”

He pulled out my chair and tugged me into it. I plopped down as he disappeared into the bathroom, only to come out a minute later with a first aid kit. Sam set it down on the desk and came close, brushing my hair back, inspecting the damage.

“You don’t have to, Sam. I’ll heal.”

Shaking his head, he grabbed an alcohol wipe. “Yeah, in three days. You don’t bother keeping your strength up anymore to heal correctly. You had a bruise from the corner of the kitchen table for a week.”

“Four days and I hit that sucker hard.”

Sam chuckled as he wiped my forehead. It took two weeks before I had a proper conversation with either of them. Everything before that had been short and sharp, the bare minimum to get our work done.

I hadn’t meant for them to find me breaking down in Nate’s old room. They were supposed to have gone out that night. It had been something I did alone as I clutched the bond at my chest. Sam found me first, and he wrapped his arms around me, holding me.

From there, everything seemed to smooth out. I focused on the pack. Made sure I apologized and paid any damages I had incurred. I also straightened out projects and paperwork that I had officiated while I was under the influence. Some things I had done were fine. The only thing that kept us afloat during that was that I had still focused on myself being Alpha. It was only when I’d been well past drunk most of the time that it slid further and further into madness.

Over the past couple of months, it was almost like I was restarting our relationships from scratch. With Sam, Nate had always taken him under his wing. They were a lot closer just due to how much they had to work together. While our relationship wasn’t the same, I could almost define it as something closer than what we had before.

I was ecstatic for them when they broke the news that Sam was pregnant. Sometimes it wasn’t easy. Charles would dote on Sam, ensuring he was taken care of and had no extra tasks. I’d never seen Charles so flustered until Sam finally had to put his foot down. Now, he was just slightly overprotective.

“I’m sorry I woke you. If you can believe it, I didn’t realize I was doing it.”

Sam tossed the wipe in the trash, grabbed a bandage, peeled the paper off, and placed it gently on my head. “You want to talk about it?”

“Do I ever?”

He smiled. “No, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.”

I laced my fingers together. “Lately, I’ve been slipping into the bond and feeling Nate’s emotions.”

“Silas…”

“I know, I know. It just…it brings me comfort.”

He closed the first-aid kit and leaned against the desk, rubbing his bump. “How did that lead to a destroyed bookshelf and you bleeding?”

“I guess I dipped in too far. The bond pulled me in. I ended up doing the same ghost link or spirit link that Nate had done before. He was in bed though, sleeping with the twins.”

His eyes widened. “You saw him?”

I nodded and smiled softly. “He’s so large. There is still a month to go, but he is probably on bed rest with how large he was. The twins were curled up next to him. Goddess, they look like Aelia and I’s photos. Spitting image of us.”

Sam smiled. “They do, don’t they? Exact replicas of you.”

My smile fell. “I reached out and brushed Nate’s cheek. I don’t know if that woke him or he was awake the whole time, but he told me I didn’t belong there. Then, a wall blocked the bond completely. I couldn’t feel anything at all coming from it. I banged against it, pleading as if Nate could hear me, asking him not to leave it. I hit it twice with my forehead, and then when I opened my eyes…” I waved to the mess on the floor.

“Oh, Silas.”

Sam got up and wrapped his arms around me, letting me rest my head against his chest. The tears that I held back earlier, slipped out now. He let me cry silently in his arms. I managed to pull myself together after a few minutes. Leaning back, I took a deep breath.

“You need to go back to bed. If Charles woke up and you weren’t next to him, I’m pretty sure the pack house wouldn’t be standing anymore.”

He chuckled. “You’re probably right. Thank you for telling me.”

I looked down, swallowing the pain I felt.

“Shouldn’t you be a little happier? I mean, you got to see him and see your pups. I know it’s not much, but it’s more than you had. Especially Nate, pregnant with three pups. I can barely deal with this one; I can’t imagine three.”

Smiling, I realized it was the same one I plastered on my face at pack functions. “It drives home what Noah said. I’ll never have Nate. I went too far, and it’s too late. I’ve lost him, and I don’t belong in his life. Let alone deserve it.”