Chapter 108

Chapter 108
“So, the witch removed the magic? Was that Noah’s punishment for you? How did he even know?” Sam asked more questions that I didn’t really want to answer.

I leaned my head back, using the hands on my shoulder to anchor me. “Nate might have told them. I had also spoken to Noah a long time ago about magic. They might have put two and two together. They didn’t know exactly what it was, more of a general plan. Lor, the witch, probably knew the moment she touched me I had a seal.” Sighing, I looked up at Sam. “Noah said that my punishment was that I had to live with the fact that I’d never stand next to my mate again. That I would never have the joy of seeing my pups grow up. That I would have to keep moving forward without him…feeling everything.”

Sam started pacing again. “So…now your bond is unlocked? You can feel everything? Feel the pull and just…everything that was missing before?”

Slowly, I nodded. “After she unsealed the magic, and I met Aelia, she chained me to my mind. She forced me to watch everything I had done from when I had locked the bond away. Seeing that, reliving that, was pure torture. The things I said…Sam…” I shut my eyes tight. “I broke him. I destroyed him. I told Noah that I didn’t know whether I could live like that. Knowing what I had done.”

“You have to, Silas. For Nate.” The way Charles said it was more of a slap in the face.

The room felt both too big and too small. The feeling was like I was going to suffocate under the weight of my pain, knowing that this probably was just the tip of what Nate felt every time he saw me or talked to me. He didn’t even know. Every day, watching him walk with his cane, accepting that it had been a choice he made. When really it wasn’t. It had been me. All along, it had been me.

“He said I’m supposed to stop the cycle of pain that I was inflicting on everyone around me. To learn and move forward.” I looked at the two of them. “How? How do I do that?”

When they didn’t answer me, my eyes filled while my lips trembled. “I lost every chance I had. I don’t get to be next to my mate. I can’t hold him or love him. I don’t get to grow old with him. I don’t get to watch our pups grow up. I don’t get to be in their lives. I don’t even know what they look like! I’ll never feel the pride of seeing him pregnant, of watching him give birth. I don’t…”

My hands wove through my hair, and I tightened my grip, pulling from the roots. The physical pain numbed the emotional pain. Not that I deserved any relief after what I had done. It almost made the thrumming of constant need that the bond now threw at me so much worse.

Charles got up off the floor with the help of Sam. He clenched his fists before he finally let them fall. Coming over to me, he held out his hand to me. I looked from it, up to him.

“What?”

“Just…get off the floor.”

Placing my hand in his, he easily lifted me up off the floor. He didn’t let go of my hand but squeezed it tightly. Charles pulled me close, glaring directly into my eyes.

“I haven’t forgiven you. I don’t…I don’t know if I can. Nate was my brother. We had the relationship that I wanted with my little brother.” He swallowed hard. “But you’re my brother too. Despite how horrible these past years have been, for making stupid, fucked-up decisions…all stemming from one, grief-stricken moment, we stayed because we knew one day you would fall apart. Sam and I stayed, despite not wanting to, for you. I wish you had talked to me. I wish you could have at least had the decency to rely on me as a friend.”

“Charles…”

He shook his head, cutting me off. “But what I won’t do is continue to punish you for your actions. Just like I never punished Nate for his. Noah was absolutely right. You will have to live with this. Every single day. Suddenly, Nate’s consequences pale compared to the pain you will endure.”

His hand let go of mine gently before he continued. “I will make sure you keep going and keep moving forward. Not just for Nate but…for you too.”

Sam stepped forward, rubbing Charles’ back. “You also don’t know what the future holds, Silas. One day, you might have the chance to meet them. A chance to reconcile with Nate. You don’t know what the future holds. He could…possibly forgive you…even after everything.” I looked up at Sam, surprised, but he cast his eyes down. “He loves you. He always has.”

I let out a pained scoff. “The twins are already…what…three? Four? I’ve lost my chance…”

Walking back to the window seat, I sat down. My back rested against the blinds as I rubbed my eyes. Sam was always an optimist. I knew better. Nate would never forgive me for what I had done. Part of me hoped he wouldn’t. There was no way I could even forgive myself.

Charles took a deep breath and let it out. “Eros took over at the Alpha Conference, didn’t he?”

I nodded. “I was really drunk. I blacked out Saturday night. After everything was done, Eros threw flashes of the memories when we fought.”

“Silas…” Charles stopped and looked over at Sam before continuing.

Sam walked over to the bed and sat down at the end, still not looking at me. “Nate is pregnant.”

My heart beat wildly in my chest. Looking between them, I searched for some evidence of a sick joke they were playing on me. The only thing I found was sadness in their eyes.

“He…he couldn’t be. We…we just saw him. He came into the meeting. He didn’t look…he couldn’t…” My eyes shut, trying to conjure up the images of how Nate looked.

“I think the cut of the vest, mixed with the fact that someone attacked him, the bruises on his face…” Charles sighed. “The day we left the territory against your order, Sam and I went down the Tap to talk him into speaking with you. Even just to rethink leaving. There wasn’t much we could do, but we thought we would try.”

Sam finished his explanation. “Nate was in a shirt and jeans. Silas, his bump was prominent. He wasn’t really trying to hide it. Finn also confirmed it by saying he had pregnancy brain.”

Leaning over, I put my head between my legs, and I howled. My mate was alone and pregnant again. Nate was all alone. It wouldn’t just be the twins. I’d never see their birth. I couldn’t even picture him when he left the meeting.

Everything about him had held an air of confidence and acceptance. It made me angry, but now it made sense. All the things he had been through after I kicked him out. He was a dad, a Beta, a pillar of strength despite all I had done to tear him down. I didn’t deserve to stand by his side, let alone even be a fleeting figure in his life.

I’d lost another opportunity. I’d ruined another moment. I thought about how much he probably struggled on his own. How much he went through as a single father. Did he hate me even more because of it? Was that why he finally left the pack? Because he couldn’t even stand being connected to me in any way?

Charles leaned against the dresser that Sam had been leaning against earlier, his arms folded over his chest. “I don’t understand it. One, who would attack another wolf in human form? Let alone one that was pregnant? Nate wasn’t big by any means, but if he was wearing normal clothes, you could tell. Why the hell would someone try to rape him?”

My mouth turned down. Knowing that he was pregnant made the attack far worse. He had winced when reaching out to grab the papers, which made Eros go mad. I wondered if he took the hit there while protecting…

‘…protecting our pups.’ Eros finished my thought.

Closing my eyes for a moment, I pressed my finger into the corner of my eye. It didn’t stem the tears, but I could swipe them away before they fell. Eros was in my mind, but at the same time he wasn’t. He hadn’t been since the witch, but now he felt further away than before. I wondered if that was how it had felt this whole time. If the revelation that I killed our mate pushed him that much further away.

My head cocked to the side for a moment when something I remembered flashed through me. “No…it couldn’t…”