Chapter 117 A world of uncertainty
Ira's POV
Buk walks toward me without a word. And when he is close enough I open my mouth to speak but before I get a word out, he pulls me into his arms.
“Just a few seconds, please.” His deep calm voice trembles and I allow him.
A hand cradles the back of my head while the other presses between my shoulder blades so tightly I feel every rapid beat of his heart against my chest. I stand stiff for a second, surprised at how clingy he's being.
As though he's hugging me for the last time. Slowly, I lift my arms and hug him back, reminding myself of how close we once were.
“I miss you,” he whispers into my hair. “Goddess, Valira, I miss you so much. How can you be so close yet so distant?”
I swallow hard.
He holds me longer than I'm comfortable with so I gently push on his ribs. Swiftly he steps back.
“Forgive me,” he bows, looking guilty. “I got carried away.” And then he claps, making a ball of blue light.
“I saw what happened.” I say, watching his brow twitch.
“What did you see?” He asks.
“Alpha king Andre, he set Father up.” I say through clenched teeth, feeling a rage I hadn't known was there before.
“Your father never meant for any of these to happen.” Buk confirms “but Valira, we must leave. At least now you know your true identity. If we move, no one will suspect a thing. With the right route, we can be miles away before anyone notices.”
I stare at him, trying to process what he's saying through his urgent tone.
“I know it's sudden. But trust me, I won't let any harm come your way but you are safer with the other clans than this betraying werewolves.”
“I can’t,” I say strongly, stepping back.
“Why do you say that?” he mutters, looking sad.
“I can’t just leave. I mean I can't leave him.”
Bukasvad’s hands tighten to fists beside him. The blue light flickers but stabilizes soon after.
“You love him,” he says. It is not a question.
I open my mouth but nothing comes out. My tongue feels heavy. I look down at the spilled old grains by my feet instead of meeting his eyes.
“I don’t know what love feels like,” I admit finally. “I’ve never been in love before… but I do know I don’t want to be away from him. Not yet.”
Maybe not ever.
Buk inhales sharply through his nose. When I glance up, his jaw is clenched so hard a muscle jumps under the skin.
“You’re in love with the mask he wears for you,” he says. “The false gentle words he feeds you with. It’s a performance, Valira. Men like him are very good at performances.”
“No.” The word comes out sharper than I intend. “That’s not fair. You don’t know him.”
“I know his kind and that's more than enough for me!”
“Well I know him too and he's not a deceiver.”
Bukasvad’s eyes flash. “Men like commander Ruel killed our parents. They burned villages while people screamed. They cut down anyone who stood in their way. Hundreds of innocent people have died by his hands or by the orders he gives without blinking. He is a monster, Ira. A well decorated one.”
My breathing turns uneven. I fold my arms, hiding my fear.
“He was only following orders,” I respond sharply. “That’s all. He would never hurt me.”
Buk lets out a short, harsh laugh. “Does he know who you truly are?”
My heart skips a beat and I stagger one step back.
Bukasvad’s mouth tightens. “That’s what I thought.”
“Don’t,” I cut in.
“Don’t what?” He steps closer, closing the space I just created. “We both know the moment he finds out you are sempyr, he will kill you… with his own hands…”
My eyes water but I blink back the tears.
“And you know what scares me the most? The fact that doing so wouldn't be hard for him since you don't know how to use your power and strength. You are defenseless without your aura. You are walking around unguarded and pretending you are safe.”
“Shut up.” My voice trembles. “I have never needed that power. I will not need it now.”
“You are being selfish.” He stares at me. “The clans are waiting for you,” he goes on. “They have waited for years, believing that just like your ancestors you'll defend them with the power of the moon that was read in your stars when you were born.”
My chest pounds in anger, my face pulled into a deadly glare.
“Yet you stand here choosing a man whose people killed ours. You think only about yourself. Hundreds could die in the next few days. Even more than have already been killed. Still you refuse to help.”
“I did not ask for this. Where were those hundreds when I WAS ALL ALONE? When I was hungry? When I was afraid? Where were they when I needed someone to care if I lived or died? Do not try to turn me into your weapon. I survived this long on my own. I don't owe my life to anyone!” I yell, breathing hard.
Bukasvad nods and steps back. I almost think I'm imagining the tears that build up in his eyes.
“I am sorry,” he says quietly. “You’re right. You do not owe us anything.”
The anger inside me falters.
“I should have listened to them,” he continues, his voice tired now. “I made a mistake coming here like this. I cannot force you to become something you were never trained to be. I did not mean to make you feel guilty. You do not owe us anything, Valira.”
I frown as the tightness in my chest shifts into something else. “Then don't ever try to force me into doing what I don't want to.”
He lets out a slow breath then looks toward the ceiling. When he faces me again, his expression is steady but distant.
“I will leave tonight,” he says.
The words take me by surprise. “What, why?”
“The eastern border needs defending. The fighting will reach it soon. I have to be there, I have to give the little ones a bit of hope. But if you ever change your mind…”
“I will not.” I say firmly. The burden of hundreds of lives is too great for me to carry. I just cannot do it.
He nods again. Still, I see the disappointment behind his eyes.
He turns away. Halfway out he pauses and glances back.
“Stay out of trouble,” he says. “And trust your aura. Always.”
Then he walks off, the sound of his boot echoing a few seconds before the blue light flickers out.