Chapter 21

I couldn’t sleep. Every time I closed my eyes my head filled with so many things, I should have had a complete breakdown from it all. Getting dressed, I wandered through the palace. It was hauntingly silent. I paused and looked down at the floor and smirked. No creaking floors here.

My mind took me through the last while: back to the island, to the beginning of my guard training, and even my mother popped into my head. If that didn’t make for an uneasy night, nothing did. I loved my mother, despite how hard she made it, but I couldn’t make her beliefs my own. I was proud of what I’d done with my life, my father was as well. I had days where I hoped, even prayed, for my mother to birth another daughter. To have a child that would fill all her ideals of what a daughter should have to be.

Then my stupid brain would toss Emil in the mix, just to cover all areas of my emotional bouncing ball. Emil was my mate, half the realm knew that now, including him. If I’d been in any other position, I would have shouted it from the rooftop. I glanced up the stairs and mentally nodded, even this rooftop. He was, aside from his hot-headed emotional outbursts, a noble man. He’d survived trials I couldn’t even begin to fathom. He was loyal and committed to family, that was very clear. Even though he hadn’t known about this realm and his birthright for the first three centuries of his life, he still stepped up and took on the war his brothers faced. I don’t know if I’d do such a thing, but it spoke volumes about his character that he had. I turned and went to the stairs that led to the third floor.

I needed to fill my head with purposeful things, not this tidal wave of thoughts swirling around and trying to swamp me. I needed to see the realm I was protecting. A tangible reminder of towns, villages, and evidence of the lives I was fighting to maintain. What better place than the balcony of the palace?

I walked into the room at the end, noting there were pictures on the wall now. I smiled, Alona did love decorating. Silently, I opened the glass doors and stepped out into the refreshing night air. Moving past the furniture, I opted to stand at the railing and look down. There were scattered lights as far as I could see. From here I could make out the area surrounding the underground chambers, a good reminder of what I was working for. For too long the royals had been forced to live underground. I rubbed my hands along the solid railing, affirming that their living peacefully in this palace was something I would do anything to achieve.

I inhaled slowly and looked out over the land.

“It’s serene, isn’t it?”

I almost collapsed on the cold stone. Turning, I saw Emil leaning around a chair he sat in, looking at me.

He smirked for a moment. “I didn’t mean to frighten you.”

I swallowed and forced my breathing to settle. “I was,” I motioned in the air, “having trouble sleeping.”

“Mmm, seems to be going around.” He looked in the other direction for a moment. “Autumn just jogged by here a few minutes ago.”

“Oh.” I blew out a steadier breath, “she’s very energetic.”

“Yes, very driven.” He motioned the other chair. “Have a seat.”

I wasn’t sure if it was a request or order, but my knees were shaking, and sitting wasn’t a bad idea. I moved over and sat down. He sat there, the light from the moon shining down on him. He was a very handsome man.

“Look,” he leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees, “I’m sorry about my behavior lately,” he shook his head slightly, “I seem to have lost control of rational thinking and managing my own actions.”

I wasn’t sure what to say about to that, so I kept my mouth shut.

He huffed out a breath, and leaned back, “There are moments I feel like I’m in some sort of dream.” He ran his hand through his dark hair, “one moment I’m at the bank assessing if a move to a quieter, cleaner city is attainable,” he shrugged, “I mean, it’s easier to hide in the constant motion and chaos of a large place, but my heart,” he gave me a steady look, “my heart needed some peace and solace.”

I just sat there, listening to the angst in his voice. This was a man that had suffered in his life.

“That’s neither here nor there,” he leaned forward again, only to sit back once more, “you see how ridiculous this is, don’t you?” He snorted softly, “My children are over two hundred years older than you,” he shrugged, “well, Abe is one hundred and eighty-seven, but close enough to two hundred.”

I realized he’d given more than a fleeting thought to the fact that I was his mate. “I don’t see it that way.” I said quietly. I glanced over the view again, “I’ve been born into this.” I turned back to look at him, “family trees vary here a lot, but,” I shrugged, “it’s normal.”

“Mmm,” he watched me for a moment, “I guess that’s me thinking like a human again.”

I suddenly regretted my words from earlier. “But you’re not,” I watched his reaction, “human or just human.”

“No. I’m not.” He tapped his hand on the arm of the chair, watching himself as he did it. “I didn’t know that until just recently, though.” He glanced at me from under his lashes, “it’s not something one would ever imagine, is it?” he smirked, “oh I must be a different race and from another realm.” He rolled his eyes at his words.

I smirked, “I suppose it isn’t.”

“You grew up knowing there were other realms and beings of all matter.” He sat back and crossed his arms over his chest, “I grew up with a mother having a tattoo down her arm about two hundred and fifty years before that was acceptable.” He nodded slowly, looking between the rails to the land below, “we moved constantly, she was always melancholy and looking over her shoulder,” his eyes sought mine again, “and never explained why.”

My heart ached for him. “Does knowing change any of it?” I asked in a hushed voice.

He was quiet for a moment. “No. No, it doesn’t.” He inhaled deeply and then exhaled slowly, “that’s why I’m in this fight. That’s why when we catch that bloody lunatic Arwan, and assist the other realms if need be, I’ll be out there finding every lost soul that’s running from their own shadows for reasons they couldn’t fathom and helping them.” He held my look. “Helping them have a better life without the constant fear of someone finding out they’re different.”

I quietly cleared the lump in my throat. “I think that’s an amazing and admirable thing to do.” I searched his eyes for a moment. “Most wouldn’t you know; most would never look back.” I’d seen a lot of people that were just dark and selfish at their core. “I’ve never been over there myself,” I made a scoffing noise, “except to that island and the amusement park.”

Emil smirked, “those aren’t very good examples of what that other side holds.” He rolled his eyes, “Well, to be honest there are a lot of things wrong over there, but nothing that’s the fault of any other realm.”

“Maybe I’ll go over sometime.” I shrugged, “I could help those in the safe houses or something.” I hadn’t thought it through beyond that, only knew that I couldn’t stay in this post with the royal family and see him every day.

He looked at me for a moment, then turned to look out over the land once more.

I didn’t know what else to say, making light conversation seemed shallow. I turned and looked out over the closest village to the mountain. I nodded to myself, that was enough for one night, I thought. Sighing out loud, I stood up. “I think I better go try and sleep.”

Emil stood up and looked at me. “I didn’t,” he motioned to the chair I’d sat in, “I wasn’t saying anything against you,” he studied my face, “you know, that right?” He touched his chest. “This is all me and the life I’ve missed. It has nothing to do with you.” Placing his hand on my arm, he gave me a brief encouraging look, “you’re a spectacular person.” He nodded, “sincere, truthful,” he made a small grimace to that, “a hell of a warrior.” He smiled this time, “even though you kind of scare me when you can move things without touch…”

I inhaled sharply. It felt like my heart was breaking, which was insane. I didn’t know this man. I would never know this man. His words hit me as being a goodbye. I wasn’t as ready as I thought to say goodbye to the idea of having a mate. “Thank you, prince.” I inclined my head and stepped back to go.

“Kinsley.” He reached out and touched my arm again.

My breath was stuck in my throat. I’d never had a simple touch feel like so much more in my life.

His eyes searched mine.

I stood there unable to speak a word.

Something went through his eyes and everything changed once more. He lifted his hand away in slow motion. “You’re a beautiful woman.” He whispered so quietly it took his words a second to register. With that, he spun on his heel and went through the doors so fast he was almost a blur.

I lifted my arm and looked at it. I felt that there should have been some sort of brand or mark that labeled me as his. Inhaling slowly, I rubbed my hand across the spot his hand rested, hoping to remove the feeling.

With my hands on my hips, I turned and looked out over the country. My resolve, no, choice I had been fooling myself with was gone—if it ever was there to begin with. Biting my lip, I shrugged and then shook my head. I still had a job to do. I inhaled deeply. I wasn’t going to walk away from an assignment. I may not be Rena’s guard, but I had a job to do. A task I’d been asked to be part of.

I backed up still watching lights flicker across the land, I was doing my job, then—well, I had no idea, I’d figure that part out later. Turning, I went back into the room and closed the doors softly.

As I went down the stairs, I saw Autumn opening a door.

“See you for our run at seven, before breakfast?” She grinned, “work up an appetite.”

I still couldn’t find my voice, so I gave her a quick salute and descended the stairs as quickly as I could without landing on my face at the bottom.