Chapter 18: Eighteen

Karina pov

“Because you didn’t move either, I don't think either of us wants to move,” kole said slowly.

Suddenly, the space between us closed, my brain screamed against it, but my body didn't move.

I wasn’t even sure who moved first. Maybe it didn’t matter; all I know is that the distance between us suddenly became my existence. And then I felt his hand on my face, like he was trying to memorize the structure of my face.

His lips meet mine, softly at first untill it wasn't, I could feel the restraint in the kiss. I didn't pull away; I should have, but I didn't. Everything felt like it was about to explode, like a dam about to burst.

I lean into it more; my hand found its way under his shirt, and his hands dipped lower to my waist. For a moment, everything disappeared. We were just two people deeply in love untill we weren't.

Suddenly, Kole's grip on my waist loosened. As he pulled back, he looked disgusted by what had just happened between us. I stared at him, frozen in confusion.

How could he move so quickly between kissing me so passionately and looking at me this way?

“I'm sorry, this was a mistake,” he said, still backing up as if this were a crime scene.

I blinked, still trying to catch my breath, my thoughts lagging behind what just happened, about how quickly things shifted.

“A mistake?” I repeated, my voice shaking.

Kole's eyes darkened as his jaw tightened.

“Yes.”

I stepped back first this time. Everything we just shared suddenly went from sweet to bitter. I felt exposed in a way I never want to be anymore.

“Right,” I said, shaking, I could feel my eyes starting to well up, but I'm not going to allow myself to cry in front of Kole ever again.

I turned and started walking as fast as my legs could carry me.

Kole had made a fool of me, and I let it happen.

By the time I reached my room, my face was drenched in tears, the full weight of what had just happened collapsed on me fully, and I felt crushed.

I shut the door behind me, leaning against it for a second, hoping kole would run after me to tell me he didn't mean what he said, that I'd misread his reaction, and that he was sorry, but the silence told me he meant it.

“What's wrong with you?” I muttered to myself, dragging a hand through my hair.

He was right, this was a mistake, of course it was. What else could it have been?

After two years of control. Of distance. Of pretending that whatever this was didn’t exist, and the moment it finally slipped, he shut it down like it meant nothing.

Like I meant nothing, he looked at me, the way someone would look at a bad decision. I should have expected this from him; I trained my mind to expect it, which is why I had all my defenses up.

Why did I let all of them crumble tonight. I knew this was the type of person kole was.

I stopped pacing, anger rising in my chest.

That wasn't fair; nothing in my life was fair.

When am I going to catch a break? I want to be able to breathe and feel love without it feeling so complicated, so messy, and so inconvenient.

When was I going to get what I wanted, why did every man I've tried to love look at me the same way, was their something wrong with me. Was I unlovable.

"Why me, why always me?"

“Doesn’t matter,” I said under my breath.

Because it didn’t, I didn't have the answers to those questions, I never did, and I wasn't going to get the answer tonight.

All I had to do was get through tonight, tomorrow I was leaving, so I wouldn't have to be around him for a long time, maybe never.

Something about what just happened made me realize how lonely I feel here. I had nowhere to go but maybe if after two years of living here I still felt so lonely, like I still had to do so much to prove my place every day, then this wasn't the place for me.

I don't know what the future had in store for me, but tomorrow I was leaving for the mission, maybe for good too.

All I had to do now was focus; people were counting on me, and I was going to do everything I'd learned since I came here. Fight.

A small sense of relief settled in my chest at that. I was good at that. There weren't any surprises waiting for me at the end anymore.

Also, I wouldn’t have to see him; I'd have the time to think about what I want and wouldn’t have to deal with whatever that was.

Wouldn’t have to think about the way he looked at me before he pulled away.

Or the way he didn’t.

I moved to the bed, sitting down slowly, my lips still tasted like him. If I closed my eyes for long enough, I could feel like he was kissing me. My hand moved to my lips, remembering that I caught myself and dropped my hands. I closed my eyes, hoping sleep would come sooner rather than later.

Thus was my life; it has never been a walk in the park, and I wasn't going to act like it ever has.

Tomorrow, I'm leaving this behind.

\------

It felt like morning came too quicky, after what felt like hours of crying last night I finally fell asleep.

I opened my eyes slowly the sunlight seeping in from the window told me it was morning.

For a minute, everything felt normal, like this was just another morning, but everything that happened last night came rushing back.

I felt the same sadness from yesterday start to rise again, but I pushed it down immediately.

There wasn’t time for that. I was clearly already running behind my usual schedule.

I got up and went through my morning routine quickly, barely thinking at all. My bag had already been packed for two nights. I double-checked to make sure it had everything I needed. And when i was sure, I walked out of the room a feeling of finality settling over me.

\---

The courtyard was already filled with warriors by the time I got there.

I joined them without saying much, offering a few nods in acknowledgment, making sure to avoid eye contact with them so they wouldn't see my eyes that were still swollen from crying myself to sleep over last night.

“Look at you, all serious and composed. Are you feeling okay today?” Drake tensed.

“I’m always like this,” I replied. Drake looked at me, shaked his head and walked away.

My attention shifted; I'd been trying to avoid the fact that he was so close.

Kole stood a few steps away, speaking with the utility director.

It annoyed me how he was standing there like nothing had happened between us last night.

I wasn't going to let Kole ruin my morning more than it already was. So I took a deep breath and moved to the opposite direction of where he was.

\---

“Karina, we’re set. Just waiting on final word,” the utility director said.

I nodded back. “Understood, let's get this show on the road,” I said. Everything felt so different this morning, so final.

I moved to go to the troops when I noticed kole walking towards me. I took a deep breath to steady myself. People could see I wasn't going to give them a show.

“Everything’s ready?” he asked, his tone neutral.

“Yes sir.” I replied coldly.

I noticed his expression shift at the way I called him, like he was hurt by it. It made me happy to know I wasn't the only one hurt in this situation.

“I've gone through the plan, they seem good, but make sure communication is fast,” he said, his voice was cold in a commanding manner.

“I know the plan,” I said, rolling my eyes. I didn't want to give him a reaction, but I couldn't help it.

Kole exhaled quietly, like he was choosing his words carefully.

“Look, Karina, I didn’t mean to make you feel unwanted,” he said, his voice lowered.

I kept quiet. I felt like I was going to explode if I spoke, so I kept quiet.

“My feelings are complicated. I'm sorry for dragging you into it,” he continued.

I smiled, not because this was funny, but because it was so predictable, he was really going to use the " it's not you, it's me line on me.

“I see,” I said simply. He didn't deserve any more of my words.

“I shouldn’t have started things, but I also shouldn't have reacted that way to you; you didn't deserve it. I just...” he started.

“No, I didn't,” I cut in, and paused, making sure to look him in his eyes fully.

“Whatever this is, it doesn’t matter right now. You've made how you feel clear, and I was stupid to believe you changed your mind.”

"Noo Kari.." he started speaking again, but I cut him off.

"All that matters now is the mission, so please, I'd like it if you let me join the troops and head out, sir," I replied coldly.

Kole looked at me like he wanted to say something else, but changed his mind and nodded instead.

“Right, you're right. Good luck,” he said finally, and turned to walk away.

I felt my heart rip again as I watched him walk away.