Chapter 19: Nineteen

Kole’s POV

“Because you didn’t move either… I don’t think either of us wants to move.”

The moment the words left my mouth, I knew I should have stepped back; I shouldn't even be here in the first place, yet I was.

The space between us closed, like, I would say. I didn't know how it happened, but I did. I knew this was going to happen, yet I allowed it.

My hand came up to her face before my brain could stop me. My wolf stirred, awakened. Something about us being so close together felt dangerous.

For two years, I had imagined this, what it would feel like to touch her without restraint, without control tightening around my throat. I had trained myself to ignore it; the only time I explored was in my dreams, in my mind. This was different. This felt different. I could always control the outcome in my mind, but this was real; I could already feel my self-control slipping.

I had two choices here, and I was making the wrong one; no matter how good it feels right now, it's still wrong.

My eyes met hers, I recognized the desire burning in them, and I could feel my heart burning with the same intensity.

This wasn't like before; the hesitation I'd had melted into confidence. A confidence I got drunk on.

I stepped closer and kissed her.

At first, it was controlled. Measured. The kind of kiss you share with your first love as a child, then it becomes passionate, the kind of kiss that feels like we are eating a forbidden fruit.

I convinced myself when I was coming here that I could do things, but that lie didn’t last.

I moved from kissing her lips to her neck for a few seconds. I felt her respond instantly, as her grip around me tightened. As I moved back to kissing her lips, she leaned into me, as if she wanted our bodies to morph into one.

My other hand found her waist, pulling her closer, like I needed to confirm this was actually happening and not another of my fantasies. How could something so wrong feel so right?

Too right.

I felt my heart rate increase, fear returning to my heart like it never left. It scared me how, after two years of keeping my distance and my feelings for her away, tonight I felt like I wanted more, not just this kiss, not just tonight. I wanted Karina to be in my arms forever. To be mine.

Just then, a memory flashed back in my mind. I remembered the blood, the betrayal, and how she looked helpless, lying on the floor, dead. She paid the price of loving me.

Was this what I wanted to risk again, my brain screamed. Immediately, my grip around her loosened, and I pulled away from her as if contact with her was burning me. Maybe it was.

I had played with fire, and now I was burned. But fire never stops at burning one thing; it burns everything around it, and I understood that when I looked up at Karina.

She looked heartbroken. Why wouldn't she be? She stood there, her eyes teary, searching for comfort in my eyes.

A comfort I couldn't risk giving her, a comfort I was too scared to show her because of the cost. The last person I gave was taken, killed without hesitation, without mercy.

If I let myself want her.

If I let myself love her, and the same thing happened to her. I would never forgive myself.

I should face the truth. People like me didn’t get to love without consequence. Anyone close to me became a target; they will always be.

And Karina was already too important, too well-known; I would be putting her in a vulnerable spot. I can't do that.

Even if it meant destroying whatever this was, even if it meant hurting her, even if it meant hurting myself. So I took a deep breath and spoke words I knew I would regret.

“This is a mistake.”

The words came out colder than I intended, but they needed to be though.

Karina blinked back tears.

“A mistake?” she repeated, looking like she was about to melt into a puddle of tears. It took everything in me to say what I was about to say.

“Yes,” I repeated.

She stepped back first.

“Right,” Karina said. I noticed her eyes change; they grew darker, and the love in them was gone.

I watched Karina walk away. I wanted to run after her, chase her, and tell her I didn't mean what I said. That things between us could work.

I couldn't afford to do that.

I didn’t move. No matter how hard it is.

\---

I stood there long after she disappeared. I felt rooted to the ground at first, like I couldn't move; the silence felt heavier.

I deserved this, cursed to a life of loneliness. I closed my eyes tightly as the memory of her came back, the warmth of her skin on mine, the way she leaned into me, the way she didn’t pull away.

She finally gave her heart to me after two years. And what did I do with it? I looked at her like it was a mistake.

I dragged my hand through my hair.

“Idiot,” I yelled.

I knew how things were going to end; I knew that if I let myself get so close to her. After two years of watching her and trying to convince myself I didn't feel anything.

Two years of pretending it would go away.

It hadn’t. It only got worse, more difficult to control.

“You’ve done it now,” I said to myself.

Because there was no going back, after this, no forgiveness for me, I know that from the way she looked at me. I did something I'll never be able to undo.

\---

By the time I reached my room, the weight of what had just happened had fully settled on me.

I stood pacing, back and forth, like movement would somehow clear my head.

It didn’t.

All I could see was Karina's face. The look on her face was twisted. From confusion to the hurt she tried to hide.

“A mistake?” her voice played in my mind.

I stopped abruptly, pressing a hand against the wall.

“i'm sorry, I'm sorry,” I said under my breath, like she was going to hear me.

This didn't matter. obsessing over what happened wasn't going to change anything.

As painful as this was, it was safer for her.

That’s what this was about. It had to be.

I wasn’t going to let history repeat itself.

I wasn’t going to stand over another body, knowing I could have prevented it if I had just kept my distance, stayed in control, and not let myself care. I guess it's too late for that last part.

I care deeply, more than I should have, more than I wanted to.

And that was exactly why I had to end it.

Before it became something neither of us could walk away from.if It became something more than what happened tonight. I don't know what would happen.

I ran my hand through my hair.

“She deserves better,” I said quietly.

Someone who can love her without being scared, someone who wouldn’t look at her like she was something to protect by pushing her away.

I can't give that to her, I don't think I ever will be able to be that to her.

The memory of her face, illuminated by the nightlight, flashed in my mind; she looked beautiful.

“You don’t get to think like that,” I yelled at myself, shutting down the memory.

Not after what I just did.

Not after making it clear that whatever this was didn't matter to you.

I told her myself this was a mistake.

I took a deep breath and moved towards my bed. I sat down heavily, my elbows resting on my knees as I stared at the floor.

It's over now. I whispered to myself.

But I still let myself imagine it. What would have happened if I hadn’t pulled away? If I had stayed. If I had done things differently, and said something different.

Suppose I had chosen her instead of fear, of what ghosts. I knew why they did that to my last mate, but no one has a reason to harm Karina. Why was I so scared to move on?

This wasn't about protecting her; I was protecting myself. I'm nothing but a coward. Too afraid to love again because of my past.

I closed my eyes, trying to forget about what happened. Trying to escape the shitty reality my life was in. Because reality was louder, it was crueler.

She's going to hate me forever. That was good; it would make this easier for her and for me.

I lay back down on the bed, my chest felt tight like I was carrying the physical weight of what happened.

I need to get through tonight. By tomorrow, she'll be gone on the mission. Too far for me to make foolish decisions like this tonight again.

Distance was exactly what we needed.

But maybe I can make things better for her; I can apologize to her tomorrow. Tell her I can't give her what she wants from me because she deserves better.

I can never be that close to her again, but hopefully apologizing will get things back to the way they were between us.