Chapter 21: The Fight

It’s been three weeks.

Twenty-one days since the alley, twenty-one days of stolen moments, whispered names and learning the shape of him in the dark. Twenty-one days of coming to my apartment through the back entrance, silenced phones and neighbors who looked at me differently ever since Cassian started showing up at midnight.

It was perfect.

It was enough for me.

But, it wasn’t enough for him.

I knew something was up the moment he came in. His shoulders were slumped like he was trying to make himself seem smaller; his jaw was tight and he didn’t give me a kiss or even look at me when he walked in. He just dropped his jacket and stood in the kitchen, staring at nothing.

I turned off the stove; the pasta I’d been making for us could wait, this was more urgent.

“Hey.” I moved towards him, keeping my voice gentle. “Are you okay?”

“Yes.”

“That’s not convincing.”

He didn’t say anything, his arms were crossed and his knuckles were white.

I tried my best to cheer him up. I poured his tea the way he liked it; enough honey with no milk. He stared at the mug, pushing it around with his hand but he didn’t drink it. I put on his favorite music that he usually hummed along to; he ignored it. I stood behind him, placed my hands on his shoulders and pressed my hands into the knots I found there. He let me touch him but he didn’t melt into me like he usually did. His body was stiff under my touch.

“Cassian?”

“What?”

“Something is definitely wrong; talk to me.”

He pulled away from my touch and walked to the window, and stood there with his back to me. The light from outside reflected off the glass; cutting shadows on his face.

I waited for him to speak.

Nothing.

I moved to the couch and sat, giving him space and time.

He didn’t take it.

The silence stretched on for minutes; I stopped counting after fifteen. The tea went cold; four other songs had played. I watched his reflection in the window, watching his jaw move as his hands curled into fists then uncurled only to curl again into fists at his sides.

“Cassian.”

He turned around.

His face was blank; the sharp edges I loved were gone; the smile I’d been seeing for weeks was nowhere to be found. Everything that made him unique was hidden behind something that looked like pain, and I didn’t know how to get through to him.

“You’re embarrassed to be seen with me.” He finally said quietly.

The words hit me and I stood up immediately.

“What?” I said, genuinely confused.

“You never want to go anywhere with me.” His voice was sharp now. “We’re always here; holed up and hiding in your apartment, like you’re ashamed of me.”

“No, that’s not it. I’m protecting us.”

“Protecting us? From what? From who?” His voice rose even more. I’d never heard him speak with so much pain in his voice, not after the Toronto loss. But this time, the pain in his voice wasn’t caused by any game, it was caused by me.

“What are you protecting ‘us’ from, Torin?”

“From losing everything!”

The words broke free before I could take them back, and it came out sharper than I intended. The words cracked against the walls of my kitchen, and hung in the space between us.

Cassian’s face crumpled up; the mask he’d been holding together fell. His eyes watered as his chin trembled.

“So that’s what this is?” He said. “Something to lose?”

I moved closer to him. “That’s not what I meant.” I said, trying to fix everything.

“That’s exactly what you meant.”

I moved closer to him again, but he stepped back putting a distance between us.

“Cassian.” I said gently.

He ignored me, grabbing his jacket from the chair and putting it on; his hands shook so much it took him longer than usual to wear the jacket.

“I need air.”

He headed for the door.

“Don’t go.”

He stopped with his hand on the door handle and his back to me.

“Why not?” He said, sounding hollow. “You don’t want me here anyway.”

“That’s not true.” I said.

He turned.

“It isn’t?” His eyes were wet, and so were his cheeks. “It’s been three weeks, Torin. Three weeks of hiding and sneaking around. It’s been three weeks of being your dirty little secret.” His voice cracked. “I’m not asking for a parade, or for you to shout from the rooftops. I’m asking for something meaningful and simple; like coffee, or a walk or a meal in a restaurant where I don’t have to pretend I don’t feel anything for you.”

Something lodged itself in my throat; I couldn’t breathe.

“It’s not safe.”

“Of course.” He laughed, but there was nothing funny about the way he laughed. “All my life, I’ve played it safe, I’ve been careful, I’ve been what everyone else excepted me to be. I thought with you, I could finally stop pretending and putting on performances.”

He moved closer to me, but not close enough for us to touch.

“But I was wrong.” His voice dropped. “You’re just like everyone else; you want me when no one’s watching, when it’s easy, when there’s nothing at stake.”

“That’s not true.” I said shakily.

“It’s the truth.” He fired back, gesturing around my apartment. “We’re always here, in the dark; where no one can see. I’m now starting to wonder if you really have genuine feelings for me or if I’m just here to fill up the space.”

I reached out to him to grab his arm; holding him like he was going to disappear.

“I do have genuine feelings for you, Cassian. I want you.”

“Why don’t you show it then?”

I had no answer to that.

He stared at me for a long time; hoping for an answer.

Then he pulled free of my grasp.

“I thought as much.” He grabbed the door and opened it. “Like I said, I need air.”

“Cassian.”

He waited, but didn’t turn.

“I need to think about this whole thing and figure out if I can keep doing this.” His voice was barely audible. “Being your secret.”

He walked out, the door slamming shut behind him.

I stood alone, staring at the empty space where he’d been.

The pasta was cold on the stove, but that didn’t matter now.

He was the one thing that mattered to me.

And I’d let him walk out.

I sat on the couch, dropping my head in my hands.

He was right.

I was hiding, not because I was ashamed. I was hiding from how much he meant to me; from how much I had to lose.

I’d spent my whole life building walls; protecting myself and making sure no one could ever get close enough to leave.

Now, he was gone.

Because I couldn’t let him in.

I didn’t know how to fix this.

I didn’t know how to fix me.