Chapter 22: The Reconciliation

CASSIAN’S POV

I walked until my legs almost gave out.

The city was deserted at this hour. The streets I’d driven past lots of times looked different on foot. It looked darker and quieter.

I passed a bar with its lights off, a parking garage with one car still in it and a church with candles flickering behind stained glass.

I kept walking.

My phone buzzed, I ignored it.

The cold air seeped through my clothes, my hands were numb but I didn’t care. I needed to think and figure out how I thought things with Torin would be different.

My phone buzzed again; I ignored it still.

I kept walking, I was exhausted but I pushed through the exhaustion.

The diner appeared around the corner, it had neon lights, and glowed like a beacon in the dark. I pushed the doors open and the bell rang, making the waitress look up. She saw the look on my face and didn’t ask questions.

I slid into a booth by the window and ordered a coffee I didn’t want.

I looked at the clock on the wall. It said 3:17AM.

I’d been walking for two hours straight.

My mind flashed back to the look on his face when I was walking out, the way he’d said my name and reached out for me, the way he’d looked at me like I was taking a piece of him with me.

I thought about his spotless apartment and how he’d looked standing in his kitchen, looking helpless as he tried to cheer me up.

I thought about his words and how they hurt me.

He was scared, I knew that.

But I was scared too. And I was tired of being the only one to admit it; I was tired of being the only one willing to work things out even while being scared.

My phone buzzed once, I finally took it out of my pocket to look at it.

It was Torin.

Torin: Please come back.

I stared at the screen.

Torin: I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean it the way it sounded; you’re not something to lose but something worth fighting for.

I read the message several times, before my vision got blurry as my eyes watered up.

I typed back.

Me: I’m at the diner on the 4th.

Three dots appeared, then disappeared, then appeared again, only to disappear again.

I placed my phone face down on the table with shaky hands, wrapping my hands around the coffee cup to keep my hands warm.

It took him ten minutes to get to me.

The bell rang and Torin walked in.

He was still in the clothes he wore at the apartment, his hair was a mess, sticking up in places he’d never let it stick up in. His eyes were red rimmed and hollow; he didn’t look like the great Captain Vance or the man made of ice.

He looked broken, like a man who’d been running and searching for years. He looked scared out of his mind.

He spotted me almost immediately and crossed the diner in long strides, sliding into the booth across from me.

The waitress walked up to him and he waved her off without sparing her a glance.

His eyes were on me.

“I’m so sorry.” His voice sounded raw, and wrecked.

“I know you are.”

“I’m terrible at this.” He paused to exhale shakily. “I’m terrible at expressing my feelings, I’m terrible at anything that is not hockey related or about control or about being the reliable man people want me to be.”

I didn’t say a word.

He pressed his palms flat on the table like he needed the solid surface to hold himself up.

“I’ve been alone for almost all my life, that I forgot how it feels to need someone; to let someone in. And then you came along, and you made me need you. You made me desire things I’d convinced myself a long time ago that I didn’t deserve; and it’s scary.” His voice cracked as he looked up at me with teary eyes. “I can’t lose you, Cassian. If I lose you, I’ll lose myself too.”

His words hit me.

I reached across the table to hold his hands; they were cold but I didn’t care.

“You won’t lose me.”

“You don’t know that.”

I gave his hand a gentle squeeze. “I know I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me, Tor.”

His lips twitched.

“That’s the thing; I don’t want to be stuck.” His voice lowered. “I want to choose you everyday and every time. I want to wake up every day knowing I have you in my life, knowing that I’m with you because I want to be with you; not because it’s easy or because you’re filling up space. But because it’s you, Cassian Pike.”

His words melted me and tears pricked my eyes.

“Then choose me, Tor.”

He raised our joined hands and pressed his lips to my knuckles; right there at the diner, in front of the waitress, the cook and the other customers who were watching.

“I choose you, always.”

I stared at him.

He stared back.

The waitress walked up to us, clearing her throat softly. “Are you ready to order now?”

We pulled our hands apart, laughing. I gave her my already cold coffee and we ordered two cups.

When she walked away, Torin grabbed my hand again.

“I’m going to screw things up again.”

“I know.”

“I’ll get scared again, I’ll pull back again, and I’ll most likely do things wrong because I have no idea how to do things right.”

I interlaced our fingers.

“I know.”

His thumbs traced patterns on my skin.

“And you won’t leave?”

I thought about the past hours, the walking, the cold and the fear that I’d made a mistake of giving my heart to someone who wasn’t going to treat me right.

But the heart wants what it wants.

And mine wants Torin.

“I’m definitely staying, not leaving.” I said.

He let out a shaky breath, and his shoulders relaxed as if he let go of a burden he was holding on to.

“You scared me tonight.” He said softly.

“Good, you scared me too.”

He smiled. “Fair enough.”

I squeezed his hand. “Tor?”

“Yes, Cassian?”

“The next time you feel like running, just don’t. Instead, think about how much running will hurt me.”

“I’ll do just that.”

“That’s great.”

The waitress brought our coffee and we drank it in silence; it wasn’t the heavy silence from the apartment, this was comfortable and reassuring.

When we were done, Torin stood, pulled out his wallet and left some cash on the table.

I stayed still in the booth, looking up at him.

“Are you coming?” He asked with his hand outstretched.

I put my hand in his, letting him pull me up.

We walked out in the cold, the streets were still empty and quiet, waiting patiently for sunrise.

He put his arm around my shoulder and I leaned into him.

“I’m scared.” I said.

“I am too.”

“Is that okay?”

He turned to face me, his hand coming up to cup my jaw. His eyes were still red, but not as red as before.

“It’s okay; as long as we’re scared together.”

Right there on the sidewalk; under the flickering light on the empty street, I kissed him.

He kissed me back immediately, his hand moving to my hips to pull me in.

When we broke apart, he was smiling.

“Let’s go back to my place.” He said.

I took his hand.

“Yeah, let’s do that.”