Chapter 17: The Morning After

I woke up with the taste of his lips on mine.

It was a memory but it felt real, like he was still here kissing me. It moved through me; hot, sharp and impossible to ignore. I lay there, staring at the ceiling, with my hands pressed to my chest as I tried to calm my racing heart.

It didn’t work.

The scene at the alley played on repeat in my mind; his back on the wall, his hands grabbing my jacket, the sounds he made when I kissed his neck. The way he said my name.

I closed my eyes but that didn’t help either.

I saw him anyway, his lips, the tears that rolled down his face, his real smile and bright laughter.

I rolled over, punched my pillow and stared at the alarm clock.

It was three AM.

I needed to get back to sleep, but it seemed like an impossible task at this point.

Each time I closed my eyes, I felt his lips against mine and his body pressed to mine. It drove me crazy

I grabbed my phone, there was no message.

I dropped it, only to grab it again after some minutes. I typed a message, deleted, typed again then deleted again.

What was I supposed to say?

Hey, I can’t sleep, thinking about the sounds you made when I kissed you? Hey, I can still feel the ghost of your lips against mine and I love it?

I put my phone down and stared at the ceiling for a long time.

I looked at the alarm clock now. It was Four AM now.

My phone buzzed and I grabbed it immediately.

Cassian: Are you awake?

It was just three words, but it felt like an epistle.

I took in a deep breath to calm myself.

Me: Yeah, I’m awake.

Three dots appeared almost immediately.

Cassian: The kiss keeps replaying in my head, I can’t seem to stop thinking about it.

Me: Me neither.

Cassian: It feels like a dream.

I smiled as I typed.

Me: It wasn’t a dream, it was real.

Cassian: Good. I needed to be sure about that.

Me: It was real.

Cassian: When I close my eyes, I feel your hands on my hips, your mouth on my neck; I feel the way you pushed me against the wall like you couldn’t control it.

Heat rushed through me.

Me: Cassian

Cassian: Is it too much? I’m sorry about that.

Me: No, it’s not too much. I just feel it, more than you can imagine.

Cassian: Really?

Me: Yeah.

There was a long pause after that.

Cassian: Tor?

Me: Yes, Cassian?

Cassian: What happens next? Where do we go from here?

I stared at my phone.

‘Where do we go from here?’

I didn’t have it all planned out, so I didn’t have an answer to give. I didn’t know how to be someone who lets people in, I didn’t know how to want someone so much and not fall apart.

Me: I have no idea.

Cassian: Neither do I

Me: But I would like to find out.

There was another pause.

Cassian: We’re doing this together, right?

Me: Yes, we are.

———

An hour after the conversation ended, I still couldn’t sleep. I stayed awake, staring at the ceiling and thinking of the whole thing.

I thought about how he made me feel, and how I could make him feel.

My phone buzzed again.

Cassian: Practice is in three hours.

Me: I know.

Cassian: How am I supposed to be able to control myself around you; to look at you and not kiss you?

The words hit me.

Torin: It’ll also be hard for me to control myself around you.

Cassian: That seems impossible.

Me: I know.

Cassian: It’s worth it though.

My hands shook slightly.

Me: Yeah, it is.

Cassian: I’ve never felt like this for anyone before, I’ve never wanted anything as bad as I want this and it scares me.

Me: I feel the same way.

Cassian: It doesn’t matter if I’m scared, I’m not running from it regardless.

Me: I’m not running either, not anymore.

Cassian: I hope you’ll keep to your word, Tor.

Me: I’ll try.

Cassian: That’s a start.

———

Before I knew it, it was time to get up.

I took a bath, dressed up and got to the rink earlier than the others.

I couldn’t stay in my apartment, or sit still. All I could do was walk around and think of him.

The locker room was empty. I sat in my stall, taped my stick, untaped it, then I taped it again. I checked my phone anxiously; there was no message.

The door opened.

I looked up, I didn’t need to, but I did anyway.

He walked towards me slowly, he approached my stall and stopped right in front of me.

He was dressed in his practice jersey and sweats, his hair was damp and his eyes were bright and filled with hope. He had dark circles under his eyes; he didn’t get much sleep either.

“Hi.” He said with a nervous smile.

“Hey.” I said.

We stared at each other; the air between us was charged.

“You came early.” He said

“You came early too.”

“I couldn’t keep still in my apartment.”

My heart pounded.

“Cassian.”

“Yes, Tor?”

I stood.

Immediately I stood, I got an instant flashback of the alley, I shook my head as I tried to focus.

“I don’t know how to do this.” I said. “I’m trying not to fuck this up.”

“I know.” His hands came up to cup my face. “Me neither.”

“We’ll figure it out.” I said, enjoying the feeling of his hand caressing my cheek.

He smiled, and my heart skipped.

I pulled him in for a hug.

“I’m terrified as fuck.” I said slowly.

“Good.” His hands wrapped around me to pull me closer. “We’re in the same boat.”

I kissed him then, slowly and softly.

He made that same delicious sound; it went straight to my groin.

When we broke apart, he had a soft smile on his face.

“Practice is going to be tough.”

“I know, but it’s worth it anyway.”

I looked at Cassian; the boy who had cracked me open, the boy who made me want to tear all my walls down.

The door opened and we sprang apart.

Raffi walked in with a coffee in his hand, oblivious to what just happened.

“Morning, boys. Ready for today?”

Cassian laughed; his armor was back on.

“I’m always ready.”

I grabbed my bag and headed out.

I turned to take one last glimpse at him.

He was looking at me with a small smile on his face.

I walked out with a thundering heart, flushed skin and one thought in my head.

‘Together.’

We were going to figure this out together.