Chapter 18: The World

After practice, we went to have breakfast.

Cassian sat at the far end of the table, his back to the wall and a coffee in front of him. He looked up when I walked in, just for a moment; enough for our eyes to meet.

He looked away.

I walked to the opposite end of the table and sat in the same position that let me see every every face and every potential problem.

I also couldn’t see Cassian from here, that was the point.

My hands trembled under the table.

I pressed them against my thighs, forcing them to be still. I kept my face neutral and forced myself to be the responsible Captain; the man made of ice. The man everyone expected me to be; the man who didn’t feel anything, the man who everyone needed but needed no one.

Raffi sat in the middle as usual with a sandwich in one hand and phone in the other. He looked at me, then at Cassian then at me; without a word. He looked like he knew something, it wasn’t enough but he knew something. Of course he’d know something, Raffi wasn’t stupid and he’d been in this team long enough to decipher certain things.

Sloane sat at a nearby table with her crew, coffee in front of her and a notepad in her hand. She had her usual sharp smile on, her sharp eyes watched everything as she made notes from time to time; filling her observations for later.

Dex had his camera up, moving slowly across the room, capturing every face, every interaction and every moment. The lens moved like a predator stalking a prey.

It stopped on me.

I stared back with a blank face, my hands shook but I hid it under the table; out of the camera sight.

The camera moved on from me, moving past other teammates and stopping on Cassian.

I watched him through my peripheral vision, I didn’t turn my head or move my body; that would be too suspicious.

He looked down at his coffee with stiff shoulders and a set jaw. He hadn’t touched his food or engaged anyone in a conversation; he hadn’t laughed at any random joke or looked at his phone. He just sat still, staring blankly at nothing, looking as wrecked as I felt.

The camera stayed on him; longer than it did on me.

Then it moved on.

Breakfast was pure torture.

Every sound was too loud, every laugh was too sharp, every movement was agony. I couldn’t look at him but I could also not keep my eyes off him. My eyes kept drifting to him occasionally.

He was doing the same thing.

I caught him staring at me several times.

The first time, his eyes met mine and held them for a second, the distance between us felt closer in the second, then he looked away, with his jaw tight and a hard grip on his coffee like it was the only thing keeping him grounded.

The second time was maybe two seconds, even from across the table, I could see the want, the care, and desire in his eyes. His eyes burned with silent questions, questions I knew. ‘Are we really doing this?’ ‘What if we get caught?’ I tried to answer him and reassure him with my eyes that I was always here, then Raffi said something to me and I had to look away to respond.

The third time, he looked again, but someone laughed and the moment was broken as we both looked away.

I wanted to hold him.

I wanted to damn the consequences, walk over to him; past Sloane, past Raffi, past Dex’s camera and every single person who would notice. I wanted to pull him out of here and kiss him till neither of us could breathe. I wanted to do things to him to make him moan my name; I wanted to give him so much pleasure that he forgets every other name except mine.

I wanted to stop pretending he didn’t mean anything to me in front of my teammates and the camera.

My hands fisted under the table.

My knuckles turned white as I dug my nails into my palm to control myself from doing something stupid.

I tried to keep my mind off him. I thought about hockey, about the game system, the power play, the game tonight. I tried to think about anything other than how his lips had felt against mine this morning, about anything other than his moans and the way he said my name.

It didn’t work.

I could still taste him, feel him and hear his moans in my ear, I still wanted him so badly, my body was starting to shake at the thought of him being so close yet so far away.

I sighed in frustration as I stood up.

I grabbed my tray and walked to the disposal station without looking at him.

I walked out after that, feeling the burn of his eyes staring at me, setting my skin on fire.

—————

I needed air.

I slipped into the side hallway, the one close to the conference rooms; it was quiet and deserted. There were no cameras, or crew or Sloane’s prying eyes here. It was private.

I leaned my head against the wall as I took in deep breaths.

Footsteps approached.

I knew it was him; I recognized the way he walked, I knew the sound of him walking towards me.

“That was a lot.”

Cassian stood a few feet away,with his hands in his pocket and his hair falling over his forehead, looking at me like I was the only thing that mattered to him.

I turned around to look at him.

“That’s how it has to be in public.”

He glanced around. “I know. This hallway is currently empty and all I want to do is touch you. Is it that stupid?”

My mouth went dry.

“It’s stupid.” I said. “But I want it too.”

He moved closer to me; close enough that if I reached out, I could pull him in for a kiss.

I wanted to, I really wanted to.

I fisted my hands instead.

“Come to my apartment tonight.” I said. “After the game.”

He swallowed thickly, my eyes followed the movement of his bobbing throat. He nodded.

“Alright.”

“Come through the back stairs.” I said lowly. “I’ll text you the address.”

We stood there, waiting and staring at each other.

“Tor?”

“Yeah?”

“I honestly don’t know how I’ll make it through the game.”

My lips twitched. “Same here.”

He smiled. “See you on the ice, Captain Vance.”

He walked away and I watched him go. Noticing the way his shoulders curved, the way he turned back once to see if my eyes were on him.

Then he was gone.

I stood in the hallway for a while, trying to clear my head.

Nothing worked.

Nothing could ever work again.

He was everywhere now, in my head, in my heart, under my skin.

And tonight, in my apartment, I could finally touch him.

I couldn’t wait.