Chapter 16: The Alley

The cold air hit me the minute I stepped outside.

I walked so fast it felt like I was running; running away from the building, the cameras, away from the weight of Sloane’s questions that still pressed against my chest. My car was just a few feet away. If I could get inside and be alone, maybe I’d be able to breathe well then.

“You ran again.”

His voice stopped me in my tracks.

I didn’t turn around, if I looked at him, I’d probably break down.

“I didn’t run.”

“You did. You ran from the interview, you ran from me in the locker room, you always run.” He stepped closer. “What are you so afraid of?”

I turned around.

He was a few feet away, backlit by the streetlight at the far end of the alley; everywhere was semi-dark, hidden and private. There were no cameras or few here, it was just us.

“I’m not afraid of anything.”

“That’s not true.”

The weight of his words hit me.

He moved closer now; I could see his face, his set jaw and his trembling hands.

“I’m not even asking for much.” He said quietly. “I just need you to really look at me; like you did on the ice, like I’m not a problem to be solved or a burden to run away from.”

“You’re not a burden, Cassian, you’re—-”

I hesitated.

“I am what?” He moved even closer. “Tell me, what am I?”

I stretched my hand to cup his face.

His skin was cool to the touch, my thumb traced his jaw, I felt the stubble there, I felt the way he trembled under my touch.

His breath seized.

“You’re this—-“

I kissed him.

It felt like the world ended.

His lips were cold at first, then they warmed up and became hot. He made a sound against my lips; it sounded like a gasp and a sob at the same time; I swallowed it, pulling him closer as I fisted my other hand in his jacket.

His hands moved up to grab me, fisting my jacket too as he pulled me against him like I was the air he needed to breathe. His mouth opened in a desperate and needy way.

Years of performance crashed into years of solitude.

I’d been alone for too long, building walls, maintaining control and never letting anyone in.  And now, this reckless beautiful boy broke through my walls. All of them.

I kissed him like I needed him to breathe.

He kissed me back like he’d been waiting for this moment all through his life.

His tongue slid against mine and I groaned, the sound echoed off the walls but I didn’t give a fuck. I was too occupied kissing Cassian to care. His hands were in my hair, pulling me closer but it still wasn’t close enough.

I pushed him against the wall and he moved willingly. His back hit the wall and he spread his legs to pull me into the space between. I pressed my whole body against him, feeling every inch of him. I felt his body heat through my clothes and the hardness in his pants.

He gasped again and I swallowed it once more.

My hands found his waist and I grabbed it, pulling him harder against me. He moaned; the sound shooting through me.

“Tor.” He said against my lips. “Fuck!”

I didn’t know what he was asking for, so I kissed him even harder and deeper, taking everything he had to give.

Eventually we had to breathe and we broke apart, gasping for air.

Our foreheads pressed together as our breaths mingled in the cold air. My hands were still on his waist, and his on my jacket.

He laughed.

It was a real and bright sound; it bounced off the walls, settling in my chest.

I almost smiled.

“We can’t do this.” I said.

“I know.”

“This is—-“

“I know.”

“—-everything I’ve worked so hard to build could come crashing down. Everything I’ve tried my best to protect; the team, the captaincy, the—-“

“I know.” His voice was steady now. “I know what this costs, I really do.”

I closed my eyes, breathing him in.

“What if” I started slowly, “we don’t have to figure this out tonight. What if we just have this moment, and figure out the rest tomorrow?”

He pulled me back down.

This time it was different. The kiss was slower and gentler. There was no rush, it was like we had all the time in the world, it was like nothing else existed at this moment except the boy I was kissing.

His tongue pushed into my mouth and I forgot my own name.

His hands found their way under my t-shirt, feeling me up. His hands were cold but I didn’t care, I wanted him.

I pressed him against the wall again, sliding my thigh between his legs. He rocked against me, making sounds that will forever live rent free in my head.

“Tor.” He moaned. “I’ve wanted this for weeks. Scratch that, I’ve wanted you since the moment I laid my eyes on you; since the moment you looked at me like I was worth seeing”

I kiss his ear, his jaw and his throat, making him shiver.

“You’re worth seeing.” I mumbled against his skin. “Always.”

“That’s the first time I’m hearing that.” He said tearfully.

I cupped his face again as I wiped his tears.

“People these days can’t recognize valuable things.”

He kissed me once more.

When we broke apart, he was smiling, it was a real smile; the one he hid from everyone else.

“What do we do now?” He asked.

I looked at the boy who had broken through my walls, the one who made me want to stop running.

“Now we go home, and tomorrow, we’ll figure it out.” I said.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am.”

He hugged me, burying his face in my neck.

I hugged him back in the cold alley, feeling his heartbeat against mine, feeling something I’ve never felt in years.

Hope.

He pulled back after a while with that smile still plastered on his face.

“Tor?”

“Yeah?”

“Now that I’m assured that this is real, I’m not going anywhere.”

I watched him disappear into the night.

For the first time in a long time, I believed someone.

For the first time in years, I wanted to stay.