Chapter 13: The Late-Night Phone Call

The city never sleeps, but at least, at two in the morning, it pretends it does.

I stood at my window, looking at the deserted streets. Streetlights cast bright orange circles on the pavement, a cab drifted past slowly, searching for late-night passengers. Everything was quiet and still.

It seemed wrong.

After weeks of sharing a hotel room with Cassian, after nights of listening to his breathing while he slept, my quiet apartment felt like a punishment. There was too much silence and too much space, I missed Cassian’s chaotic energy.

Everything I did or thought about always circled back to him.

The way he’d looked at me in the film room, the way he held my palm against his cheek, the way he never stopped running after me, the simple way he’d said ‘let’s be terrified together.’ Like it was easy for two lonely people to build something whole together.

I turned from the window, laid on my bed and stared at the ceiling but it didn’t help.

I saw his face on the ceiling; the way his voice was sad when he talked about his father, how he seemed soft when I was the only one watching.

My phone rang; I grabbed it without thinking.

It was a call from Cassian.

I stared at the screen. Was he thinking of me too? Or could he sense that I was thinking about him?

I should have ignored it and let it go to voicemail. I should have protected myself from what I’d feel if I heard his voice.

But I gave my word that I’d try to work this out.

I swiped right.

“Torin, it’s me.”

His voice sounded rough, like he’d also been on his bed, staring at the ceiling while thinking the same thoughts as I was.

“It’s two in the morning, Cassian.”

“I know.” He paused, searching for the right words. “I couldn’t sleep, I’ve been replaying the whole thing in my head. To be honest, I don’t know why I called, I just knew I needed to hear your voice.”

I closed my eyes, leaning against the headboard.

“You should be asleep.”

“So should you.” He said back.

Fair enough.

The silence stretched between us, but it was comfortable.

“Torin, are you alone?”

The question had different meanings, but I had only one answer to all the meanings.

“Yes.”

He exhaled. “Me too.” A pause. “It’s crazy, after weeks of sharing a room with you, being alone feels weird. I keep listening for you, I keep expecting to hear your voice here in my apartment. I know it sounds stupid.”

No, it didn’t.

“I know what you mean.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

There was a long pause this time.

“I need to ask you another question, Tor.”

“Alright, shoot.”

“Back in the film room at Boston, when you said you were terrified, what exactly are you terrified of? I know you told me, but I feel like there’s more to it than what you said.”

I thought about it.

“I don’t know, Cassian.”

“You do.”

I opened my eyes again to stare at the ceiling.

“Having these feelings scare the shit out of me.”

“What feelings?” He asked.

“You know what I mean.”

“I do.” He agreed. “I just want to hear you say it.”

“Why?”

“Because I need to be reminded that it’s real, it all feels like a dream. I need to know I’m not the only one that’s losing my mind over this, I need to know I’m not the only one that feels this way.”

I swallowed hard.

“I want you, Cassian.” I said. “I want this, it scares me because wanting you makes me feel like I’m losing control of everything I’ve spent years building.”

The silence stretched again.

“That’s one of the most honest things you’ve ever said to me.”

“Don’t get used to it.” I said with a smile in my voice.

He laughed.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“I’m terrified too, but I’m more terrified of you walking away, of you deciding you can’t deal with this because it’s too hard.”

“That’s not going to happen.”

“That’s what you say, but then you keep running.”

“I’m trying not to.” I said.

“I can’t chase you forever, Tor.”

The words hit me like a punch to the gut.

“What?”

“At some point, you have to stop running. I can’t keep chasing after you.” His voice cracked as he continued. “Everytime you run, it hurts so bad.”

I sat up.

“Cassian, I—”

“I’m not saying I’m giving up or that I don’t want this. I need you to meet me halfway, I need to know that when I reach for you, you’ll reach back; not run.”

“I reach for you all the time in my own way.” I said.

“I know.” He said softly. “I see it; the passes you give me when you can easily take the shots, the way you stay in rooms with me, giving me silent comfort, the way you look at me, like I’m precious to you.”

“You are precious to me.” I said

“I know.”

My thoughts spiraled; I thought of all the things I’d had to do to get to this point.

“Tor?” He called out, breaking my chain of thoughts.

“Yeah?”

“I want you to know that I am not going anywhere.”

I felt a strange sense of relief.

“I’m not going anywhere either.”

“Is that a promise?”

“I promise I’ll try.”

There was a long pause.

“For now, that’s enough for me.”

I didn’t have anything else to say.

“Get some rest, Tor.”

“You should do the same.”

“Thank you for picking up the phone, Tor. I didn’t think you would.”

I smiled.

“Thanks for calling.”

“Always.” He said with a soft laugh.

The line went dead.

I stared at the phone for a long time.

I laid back on the bed and stared at the ceiling once more.

My heart still pounded.

But for the first time in weeks, it wasn’t pounding out of fear, it was pounding out of hope.

I didn’t fall asleep for a while.

But I stoped running.