Chapter 12: The Aftermath

CASSIAN’S POV

It’s been two days.

It’s been forty-eight hours since Torin had looked at me on that ice like I was the only thing worth looking at. Forty-eight hours since he grabbed my jersey, pulled me close and told me he was scared of how much he wanted me.

Forty-eight hours since we’d last had a proper conversation.

He avoided me like the plague, he left rooms when I walked in, sat at the opposite end of every table and made up excuses to be anywhere I wasn’t.

I let him.

Because what was I supposed to do? Chase him, or beg him to stop running? I had some pride left; it wasn’t much, but it was enough for me to hold back.

———

Some days later, we had a team dinner at some restaurant in Boston. I sat with the guys, laughing at jokes I didn’t understand and nodding my head at conversations I wasn’t listening to. My eyes kept drifting around the room in search of him.

He wasn’t here yet, he was probably occupied with Captain duties like film review, strategy discussions with Coach, pretending I didn’t exist.

After a while, Torin walked in looking as handsome as sin. He was donned in a plain t-shirt and a pair of jeans. I watched him as he located our table and walked towards it like he owned the entire restaurant.

He sat at the opposite end of the table, as usual.

He didn't spare me a glance.

Something in me broke.

Raffi called out from where he was sitting. “Yo, Vance and Pike, are you two fighting?”

“No.” I said quietly.

“Yes.” Torin said at the same time.

“Okayyyyyy.” Raffi said, laughing nervously.

I looked at Torin, he looked back at me. For a moment, all was fine between us; something flickered in his eyes, something that looked like pain, but it was gone before I knew it.

He stood up pushing his chair back.

“I have film review.”

He walked out without looking back.

He didn’t even get anything to eat, not even water.

I said nothing, watching him go as I felt something lodge itself in my throat.

———

Raffi watched me.

I felt his eyes before I heard his voice, he studied me from across the table with a knowing look, like he was putting the pieces together.

He walked towards me and sat beside me.

“Kid.” He said in a low tone. “Be careful with whatever you’re doing.”

My head snapped up. “What do you mean?”

He shook his head softly. “Relax, I don’t mean any harm.” He leaned in closer. “I’ve been in this team long enough to know when there’s something going on.”

My heart thundered.

“Your secret is safe with me.” He said, his eyes holding mine in a steady and serious gaze. “But you need to think twice if your actions will hurt both of you.”

I stared at him, opened my mouth to say something; the words didn’t come out, I closed my mouth back.

“I honestly do not know what you are talking about.”

“Of course.” He said, squeezing my shoulder in a comforting way. “Just be careful.”

He walked away.

I sat still, with my heart still pounding; feeling like my secrets had been exposed.

————

Somehow, I made it through the rest of dinner; I laughed when I was supposed to, nodded when I was supposed to, throwing in some ‘hmmms’ and ‘ahhhs’ here and there, keeping my face neutral and my hands still.

The moment we were done, I bolted.

I didn’t go to our room or to the lobby.

I went to where I was sure he’d be at.

The film room.

The door was closed, but light leaks through the crack underneath the door, I stood there for a moment, hesitating.

Then I knocked.

There was no answer.

I knocked again.

“Go away, Pike.”

His voice sounded tired.

I ignored him and opened the door.

He sat alone, facing the screen. The footage of one of our games was frozen on some random frame. He didn’t acknowledge me.

“Why do you keep running?”

No answer.

“You said you wouldn’t do this again, so why do you keep running?”

Still no answer.

My hands curled up into fists.

“Look at me.”

He didn’t.

“Torin, look at me.”

He turned.

He looked tired; he had dark circles under his eyes, he looked like he hadn’t gotten good rest in days.

I hadn’t slept well either.

“Why?” I asked. “Tell me why you keep doing this; we had a real moment, we both felt it. You gave me your word that this wouldn’t happen again. So why do you keep disappearing?”

“I didn’t disappear.”

“You did.” I said quietly. “In your own way, you did. You won’t talk to me or look at me. You can’t even stand to be in the same room as me; what am I supposed to think?”

He stood slowly, like he was scared of breaking something if he stood too fast.

“You’re supposed to think that I’m trying to protect you.”

“Protect me from what?”

“Protect you from myself. From everything that happens when we eventually stop pretending.”

I crossed the room and stopped when I was a few feet away, I could see the war in his eyes.

“I don’t need protection, Torin.”

“You’re not thinking clearly, Cassian.”

“Don’t do that.” I said sharply. “Don’t tell me what I’m thinking, don’t tell me what I feel. I’ve spent my whole life being told what and how to feel by the people around me; people who barely knew me. So, don’t do that, don’t be like them.”

He stared at me helplessly.

“Cassian.”

“Do you know what has been going through my mind?” I said, stepping closer to him so we were standing chest to chest now. “I’ve been thinking about the interactions we’ve had since the weight room down to how you looked at me on the ice, you looked at me like you wanted to kiss me senseless.”

His breath hitched; the sound made me smile.

“I’ve been thinking about how you grabbed my jersey the other day, how you held me close to you, what would have happened if we hadn’t stopped.”

My voice dropped to a low tone as I continued. “Right now, I’m thinking about your mouth, what it would feel like, the sounds I’d make when you run your lips all over my body. I think about the things I’d do to you if only you’d stop running.”

He didn’t move or speak, he just swallowed thickly as he stared at me.

“Please stop running from me, Tor. Please.” I pleaded softly.

His hands raised to gently brush my jaw.

“I can’t do that.”

“Why?”

“Because if I stop running, I’ll kiss you and I’ll never want to stop. And if I stop running, everything I’ve built might fall apart.”

“Then let it.” I said breathlessly.

He sighed.

“I can’t.”

“You can.” I grabbed his hand, bringing it up to hold it against my cheek. “You’re the strongest person I know, you can handle anything; you can handle me.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.” He said sadly.

“Then don’t hurt me.”

“I don’t know how to do this.”

I pressed his palm harder against my cheek. “Neither do I; but I want to try this with you.”

Something flickered in his expression.

“Cassian.”

“Yes?”

“I’m terrified.”

I smiled. “So am I, let’s be terrified together.”

His other hand came up to cup the other side of my face; he held me like I was something precious.

He pulled me closer and rested his forehead on mine.

We stayed like that for a long time.

————-

Torin finally pulled back.

“You should get some rest.”

“We should.”

“Cassian, I’m glad you came after me.” He said.

I smiled, it was a genuine smile; the type that came out only when I was around.

“I’ll always come after you, Torin.”

He stared at me one last time before he left me alone in the film room.

I stood there alone, my skin still tingling from where he had touched me.

He was scared, and so was I.

We were scared together.

And for me, that was more than enough.